Not while I'm eating, OK?

I'm not a picky eater--ask anyone who's been in my blast radius at chow-time--but there are some accompaniments I do not enjoy with meals. Among them are incoming fire, hordes of biting blackflies and simpering stupidity. Incoming's not a problem these days. but last night I was kinda wishin' for blackflies. "cause at least you can wave them away while you shovel in some grub. You can't wave stupidity away. Well, sometimes you can, if the hand you're waving with has a gun in it, but that's a topic for another time.

The Memsaab Helena and I were enjoying a rare DOWK--Dinner Out Without Kids--when the duo of dipsticks at a nearby table began loudly and lengthily bemoaning "Our Senseless Invasion of Iraq." My 20-ounce ribeye went rancid. When they segued into "Why Should We Be The World's Policeman?" my potato turned putrid. I think they were trying to impress each other--and fellow diners--with their "sociopolitical sensitivity" or something. Folks who do that tend to be about as socially and politically informed as houseplants, and these two were no exceptions.

I don't chew or talk very well with my jaws all locked up and the Memsaab knows it, so in her inimitable sweet style, she inquired of our server-person if he could either (a) find us another, more secluded table, or (b) seat that charming pair of gasbags elsewhere--like out in the parking lot. She asked very politely, but there's something about "requests" coming from six feet of Amazon with flaming red curls that make "em seem like combat commands, you know? We were swiftly and smoothly transferred to another table.

I don't like having to do that. but the Memsaab's method seems to cause less public furor than mine--like. "Pipe down, ya pinheads!" so I go along with it.

The Pinhead Position seemed to be that since we hadn't been nuked or bacteria-bombed yet, we shoulda left Hussein alone and played "let's pretend he's nice." They held forth that WMDs were only a "pretext" for deposing Uncle Saddam. Just so we're clear on this, I wouldn't have cared if the pretext was that he had failed to return two overdue library books. In fact. I would have preferred exactly that line--the overdue library books--so that the whole world would know, If you go around robbing and killing and beating up your neighbors and a buncha your own people, the U.S. just might come give you the thumpin' you deserve. break your toys, an' send you to the corner for time out. Silly pretext or not, the end result's gonna be the same: a thorough butt-whuppin'." Personally, I don't think that's a bad message to send other nations: "Play nice, or you might get a serious wedgie, and we're not totally hung up on semantics." And that kinda naturally segues into Pinhead Position Number Two.

How many times have you heard that lame line asking if the U.S. should be the world's policeman? And, it seems, you're always expected to shake your head dolefully and mutter something in the negative. I don't know why that's the expectation. I think it's because so many pinheads have asked it so many times that it's a conditioned response. Here's my question:

If not us, then WHO? I admit, having been a soldier and a cop most of my life, I've got a warped and weird world-view. but it seems to me that if you're the only one around with The Right Stuff to do the job, then you do it. Sure, your first responsibility is to police your own beat, but if an armed robbery goes down across the county line, you roll with lights and siren, OK? It ain't just about oaths and legal requirements; it s about ethics and morals as well. Is there only enough freedom and justice for us, and we can't share it? And you don't wait for "consensus" before putting the cruiser in gear.

Excuse me? Get permission from folks like Russia. Germany, and France before we liberate a nation? Like those clowns know something about liberation--or making peace? Bust out the history books and check their records, guys. Seems to me that multiple times in the past century a buncha corn-fed kids from the U.S. of A. have had to wade across the pond and knock heads together to settle their sandbox squabbles, and the only postwar "peace" Europe has known came with a guarantee written in red. white and blue. Smooth words at sumptuous banquets in gaudy palaces never bought any "peace." American rifles did.

I guess the pinheads forgot that the last couple times France approved our use of violence was when their pals the Germans were "touring" Paris dressed in feldgrau, with accessories by Mauser. And when it comes to talkin' about peace, freedom, and liberation, Russia should just sit down and shut up.

We finished our dessert and left, just as the Dipstick Duo got into trashing "Those Horrid People Who Own Guns." and I'll bet you this: When they went out into that dark parking lot after dinner. they were feeling less like sociopolitical sophisticates, more like lambs than lions, and wondering what dangers lurked in the shadows.

Me? I was silently blessing America. where even dipsticks are free to enjoy their delusions, and knowing I was the most dangerous critter in that darkness. Well, OK, maybe not the most dangerous. But I was walkin with her. anyway.

COPYRIGHT 2005 Publishers' Development Corporation
COPYRIGHT 2005 Gale Group