Transforming the Story: Narrative Applications to a Stepmother Support Group

Abstract

Inherent in the role of stepmother are unique tensions, ambiguities, and challenges. Underlying much of the role strain is the dominant cultural stepmother story, that of a self-serving and pernicious woman. Undertaking a role held circumspect by many may contribute to feelings of insecurity, isolation, and role constriction. In this article, the author describes how concepts drawn from narrative therapy are utilized in an ongoing support group for stepmothers. Reasons why support groups are especially appropriate for and enhanced by narrative techniques are offered. Group functions and narrative applications are described and illustrated through 4 kinds of stepmother stories. These stories exemplify some of the dilemmas that stepmothers face and show how narrative techniques have been used to help members create more satisfying and authentic stories.

"You could have been giving me lemonade on a hot summer day, and it would have tasted like poison to me." In this conversation, Gregg was struggling to help Christy, his stepmother, understand why his younger sister has continued to treat her with contempt despite years of relationship-building efforts. "You see, Christy" Gregg continued on in his increasingly mature 23-year-old voice, "For awhile it was the same for me; you couldn't do anything right no matter what it was. You weren't my mother. The more you tried, the more I hated you. The person who was supposed to be bad was good, and the person who was supposed to be good was bad. It was an equation that just wouldn't work out." When Christy finished telling this story to the group, members nodded silently.

There are few figures in literature or modern culture that surpass the stepmother for her capacity to evoke consistently negative associations. Like all good narratives, the stepmother story is a compelling one. It offers a vivid antagonist, a simple but gripping plot, and a moral lesson; furthermore, it moves us. The story, that of a pernicious stepmother doing harm to her good and helpless stepchildren, is so powerful that it has survived at least 10 centuries and transcends country and culture (Wald, 1981). The dilemma for many women is the lack of congruency between their own lived stepparenting experience and those of the legendary stepmother. There are also few alternative stories depicting caring, committed stepmothers, and this dearth of positive role models may lead to cognitive tension and role strain for both stepmothers and their families. Thoughts about the influence of the stepmother story and ways of counteracting it gave rise to the focus of this article: facilitating a stepmother support group that is based on narrative theory and technique.

A consequence of being part of a stereotyped group is the tendency to overcompensate in order to avoid being judged or labeled. A stepmother tends to assume more household and parental responsibilities and to make more personal sacrifices in order to prove that she is not "a bad person." (Morrison & Thompson-Guppy, 1985). Similarly, many stepmothers suppress negative feelings and carefully edit conversations with others so as not to appear critical or mean spirited. The feeling of living under a "social magnifying glass"-being compared to the ex-wife and evaluated as a mother-is stressful and wearying (Berger, 1998). Relationships with stepchildren may also be tainted because of expectations that each brings to the relationship. These expectations may become self-fulfilling prophecies if children spurn efforts toward relationship building or if either party relates in kind to what they perceive to be unfair treatment.

The personal costs for stepmothers lacking a network of peers with whom they can confide and compare experiences can be high. Although research on stepmothers is sparse, that which is available has found the stepparent role for stepmothers to be more difficult than for stepfathers (Quick, McHenry, & Newman, 1994). Findings also suggest that stepmothers experience more anxiety and depression than stepfathers do about their family situation (Ihinger-Tallman & Pasley, 1987; Sauer & Fine, 1988). Reasons cited are societal and spousal expectations for stepmothers to be more involved in parenting, stepmothers' own high expectations for the stepparenting role, and a lack of perceived support from or agreement with their spouse on parenting issues (Nielsen, 1999; Quick et al, 1994). Stepmothers may also tend be more self-critical and blame themselves for problems within the family (Bray & Kelly, 1998).

Although stepfamilies have proliferated during the past few decades (estimates are that about 33% of Americans are in a step relationship), stepmother families are the least common stepfamily form. Of the nearly 7 million stepfamilies counted by the 1990 U.S. Census (the 2000 U.S. Census does not provide estimates of divorce and remarriage), slightly less than 2 million of them are stepmother families (Larson, 1992). These figures, however, do not include non-residential stepmothers or cohabitating couples who are not legally married. Thus the number of stepmother families (as well as the total number), although comparatively small, is significantly higher than that captured by census data (Bumpass, Raley, & Sweet, 1995).

Our cultural expectations for women to assume more responsibility in meeting the physical and emotional needs of children put stepmothers in a pivotal role within the family. This is significant because the quality of the stepparent-stepchild relationship is regarded as a major predictor for family adjustment in remarried families (Booth & Edwards, 1992; Bray & Kelly, 1998; Crosbie-Burnett, 1984). It is also important because second marriages are more likely to fail than are first marriages (Booth & Edwards, 1992). Estimates are that between 30% and 40% of children will experience a divorce of their custodial parent and stepparent (Wilson & Clarke, 1992). Therefore, support for stepmothers is a means of strengthening stepfamilies, which because of their structural complexity and ambiguity of roles and boundaries, are at risk of conflict and dissolution, particularly in the early years of formation.

In this article, I describe an ongoing support group for stepmothers that is based on narrative theory and techniques. Although groups for stepfamilies are not new, those described in the literature have tended to be of a shortterm, skills-based nature (Bielenberg, 1991; Fausel, 1995). Even though this kind of intervention is useful, particularly in preparing couples for stepfamily life, its limit is that it does not account for the ongoing and evolving nature of family life. Over the past decade, the use of narrative, with its focus on clients' transforming central themes in their life story, has emerged as a powerful and potent approach in the field of family therapy (Sluzki, 1992; White & Epston, 1990; Zimmerman & Dickerson, 1994), including work with stepfamilies (Atwood & Zebersky, 1995; Kelley, 1996). More recently, Dean (1995, 1998) has expanded the use of narrative by explicating and illustrating its application to groups. This article is informed by the work of Dean (1995, 1998), by narrative innovators in family therapy, and by stepfamily clinical and research findings, and in it, I first outline narrative principles and therapeutic processes and then make a case for their suitability to support groups. Narrative concepts, most notably the use and function of shared stories, are then discussed in the context of the stepmother group. Four exemplary stories are presented to illustrate how the combined power of group and narrative can help stepmothers cope with a difficult role and construct more satisfying personal and family stories.

The Use of Narrative in Therapeutic Conversation

Over the course of the past 2 decades, therapists have increasingly utilized the narrative metaphor as a framework for helping people achieve desired life changes. The metaphor of narrative derives from a social constructionist orientation. It represents a paradigmatic shift in the way in which practitioners view the nature of their role in the therapeutic process. In keeping with its postmodern origins, the narrative perspective rejects the notion of a universal truth in favor of multiple realities and multiple perspectives. Thus the therapist's view is regarded as one of many, rather than the privileged one. Unlike the mechanical metaphor underlying cybernetic theory that focuses on information processing or the system of interactions, the focal point of the narrative metaphor is the meaning that people bring to their lived experience (Anderson & Goolishian, 1992; Zimmerman & Dickerson, 1994).

The Role of Narrative in People's Lives

In the narrative literature, the narrative or story is viewed as the central means by which people construct, describe, and understand their experiences. Epston, White, and Murray (1992) defined a story as "a unit of meaning that provides a frame for lived experiences" (p. 97). Stories serve diverse purposes in our lives. They possess a temporal dimension that permits us to link and organize our experiences through time, giving us a sense of history and continuity. As Bruner (1986) concluded, "Stories give meaning to the present and enable us to see that present as part of a set of relationships involving a constituted past and present" (p. 153). Sharing experiences by telling stories is an interactive process that provides a powerful means of self-expression and self-representation. As people present their actions and reactions in stories, they shape and define themselves both to others and to themselves (Anderson & Goolishian, 1992; Dean, 1998). These interactions, as well as their context, influence and modify the telling of their stories. Thus, each retelling offers new meaning and fresh insights.

Just as the context may shape the story, the story also has the power to bring about change. A common example is seen in support groups where participants' recounting of personal struggles and overcoming obstacles can motivate and inspire others. Stories may also be instructive in nature. Instructive stories often take the form of fables and parables and make a point or teach a lesson. Within most societies, instructive cultural stories are taught to children in order to instill norms and values (Richardson, 1990). These stories highlight the positive or negative qualities of heroes and villains. The stories of Horatio Alger's persistence and George Washington's truthfulness are exemplars of cultural stories that teach the importance of hard work and integrity. An exemplar of an instructive villain story is that of the evil stepmother, which interestingly has versions in nearly every major culture (Wald, 1981). The purpose of this story is to warn young people about devious behavior and to deter them from immorality. Unfortunately, this depiction of stepmothers is reinforced by our society in a variety of ways and makes it difficult for individuals to eradicate these well-entrenched pejorative associations.

Much of the meaning that people bring to their own and others' narratives is based on and sustained by the dominant culture in which they live. White and Epston (1990) discussed how in all societies certain values are privileged and conferred with an elevated status, whereas others are subjugated. The effect is that some stories become dominant in the form of cultural norms and expectations. For people whose experiences do not conform to a dominant cultural story (e.g., ethnic minorities, disabled persons), their stories and lives may feel less valued. The perception of being at odds with societal norms and expectations may lead people to overlook, de-emphasize or conceal important aspects of their stories. Rosen (1996) noted that in other cases, people may outgrow their stories, which then causes a lack of fit or congruency. Still other life situations are so debilitating and demoralizing that the stories of individuals and sometimes even collective groups are severely restricted or completely suppressed.

The Transformation Process

Many people seek professional help at a point in time when they perceive their story as empty, stuck, or lacking in authenticity. Given the central role of the story within the narrative perspective, it follows that the primary goal in therapeutic conversation is to help individuals and families construct more satisfying and relevant stories. This process of transformation involves therapeutic conversation, a stance of collaboration, deconstruction of meaning and significance, utilizing strengths, and constructing and anchoring alternative stories.

Because making meaning is viewed as a social construction, it is dependent on the use of language by people engaged in conversation (Anderson & Goolishian, 1992; Bruner, 1986). As therapists and clients exchange meaning and understandings about an event or experience, new perspectives and stories begin to emerge. Anderson and Goolishian (1992) defined this process of therapeutic conversation as a mutual search for understanding and exploration through dialogue around perceived problems. It is also a collaborative and reflexive effort whereby client and therapist work in partnership as coinvestigators and coauthors. The therapist acts as a facilitator of conversation, creating space and openings for new meaning.

The process of deconstructing stories, as described by Sluzki (1992) and White and Epston (1990), relies upon curiosity, focused questioning, and attentive listening. A primary therapeutic task is to seek out and identify beliefs, values, and meanings imbedded in the stories, particularly those that are hindering growth and self-esteem. These beliefs may be based on partial or outdated aspects of the story, or they may be lodged in larger cultural norms. For example, a primary role for mothers in most societies is that of nurturing and caregiving. But for some stepmothers this role may be impossible or only partially possible either because it is not needed (i.e., it is being already carried out by the biological parents) or because the children reject it. In either case, this situation may cause women who are trying to conform to perceived societal expectations to view themselves as failures. A goal would be to challenge the assumptions underlying this dominant story and to create the space for alternative perspectives to emerge.

Seeking out and utilizing strengths, two other components of the transformation process, are at the core of two narrative techniques. The first technique, "externalizing the problem" proposed by White and Epston (1990), is a means by which individuals are helped to differentiate the problem from themselves. This typically involves assisting the client(s) to label, objectify, and/or personify the problem. For example, a complaint such as, "I'm depressed" might, with directed questioning, translate into, "Well, I avoid confrontation and then get angry at myself," followed by a revised label of, "I guess I call it wimpiness . . . yah, a case of the wimps." The significance of this technique (White, 1989) is that it decreases the client's sense of helplessness, fosters different options for conversing and thinking about the problem, and opens up new avenues for action and influence. A second and related technique is that of "mapping" the problem. This practice involves posing questions that encourage people to explore the degree to which the problem is affecting their lives (e.g., "How does this 'wimpiness' cause trouble for you?"), and then, gradually, to explore the extent to which they can exert influence over it (e.g., "Have there been times that you've been able to speak up and overcome this 'wimpiness' when it starts to cause problems?"). Within these conversations, it is common for previously neglected aspects of the story such as competencies and strengths to emerge. These "unique outcomes" are then examined and form the basis of an alternative story.

The therapist continues to destabilize the dominant story by asking questions that will help to fill in gaps and introduce inconsistencies and exceptions to the dominant story. This creates the space for new themes and perspectives to be considered. For example, Kim, a stepmother of four children, came to the group feeling inadequate about her troubled relationship with her stepdaughter. Questions such as these were posed to her: "How have things gone with the other three children?" and, "How have you managed to get through those difficulties?" These and similar queries served to bring out overlooked aspects of the story that revealed great strength, skill, and tenacity. Although Kim's troubles with her stepdaughter did not improve, her initial problem-ridden story and view of her own role in it did change.

New stories are anchored through various means. One such means is reframing a situation, and another is offering different versions for consideration. Because neutrality and objectivity are not considered useful or even possible within a social constructionist paradigm, therapists may favor and give more credence to one version of a story over another. Individuals and family members are also encouraged to enact new behaviors inside a session and to reinforce them outside of sessions through further reenacting, journaling, and ritualizing (Sluzki, 1992; White & Epston, 1990). Transformation occurs when a set of dominant stories reflects new actions, experiences, and interpretations so that the thematic grip is loosened (Sluzki, 1992).

Support Groups and the Use of Narrative

Support groups originated with the Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) program in the 1930s, which stressed the importance of personal testimonials and the notion of sharing and changing one's story. Since then, the mutual aid system in this country has proliferated and is estimated to provide mental health services to people equal to the number served by the more formalized mental health and substance abuse delivery care systems combined (Powel, 1990). Although some groups (e.g., Overeaters Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous) have adopted the AA 12-step template, other groups geared more toward coping with stressful life events (illness, divorce) and empowerment in the face of minority status (women, gays, and lesbians) have utilized more interactive formats. Although support groups vary widely, for the purpose of this article, the term support group refers to a group of individuals that come together with common concerns for the purpose of sharing their personal experiences and developing a cohesive and consistent support system (Schopler & Galinsky, (1993).

Support groups offer a natural milieu for the use of narrative concepts. Storytelling, beginning with the first AA groups, has historically been an integral part of most mutual aid groups. People tell their story and find relief and acceptance. Others listen, bear witness, and find hope and courage. Dean (1998) detailed this process and noted that groups, because of the increased number of participants, offer the advantage of multiple perspectives and interpretations, which enhances the possibility for change. Members of support groups typically share a common life experience that differentiates them in some way from the larger society. The group format of sharing readily understood stories is also an important way that participants form their own dominant culture. This may be reflected in vernacular language, humor, norms, and traditions (Dean, 1998; Powel, 1990). Being part of a dominant culture fosters a sense of belonging, equality, and freedom often missing among those that feel different. As stepmothers are often guarded in order to avoid offending and to gain acceptance within the family, this support group has afforded members the opportunity to be both spontaneous and reflective and to explore ways of creating more authentic and satisfying stories.

One Group's Stories

The stories to be highlighted in the following section emerged from a group of stepmothers that has, at this writing, been meeting for 3 years. I formed the group and recruited prospective members to join it with the explicit goals of (a) supporting and strengthening stepfamily life and (b) providing an opportunity for participants to share their stories in a safe, supportive environment. In recruiting communications, I conveyed my professional credentials but also revealed the fact that as a stepfamily member, I understood the challenges associated with stepfamily life. Participants noted that the latter credential was the more compelling factor in their decision to join. The group meets every 2 weeks for 2 hours. Decisions about when, where, and how often the group would meet were made consensually by the group members. This may in part account for the group's stability and longevity.

Most of the members are custodial stepmothers; that is, at least one stepchild lives with them full-time. The two noncustodial stepmothers have frequent contact with their stepchildren. The structural composition of members' families is mixed. Some live in blended families in which both they and their spouse have brought children from former relationships into their marriage. Others are parents only to their stepchildren, and still others have, in addition to stepchildren, a shared child with their spouse. The families of these women are in varying stages of formation. Some have been together for many years and are well integrated. Others, at least at the group's onset, were recently formed and still making initial adjustments. All participants are deeply committed to family life and to the goal of strengthening marital and family bonds.

In the early phase, I focused on instilling the group's culture and norms. It was emphasized that stories were not only welcome but also integral to the group process. Self-disclosure and the creation of the requisite atmosphere of safety and supportiveness was encouraged and sustained through my stance of attentiveness and respectful curiosity. Rather than providing information and expertise, I listened for themes and to the way in which stories were told. Simple questions such as, "Did she speak to you after that? What does that say to you?" and, "How does that square with your sense of not having any influence?" were posed to elicit further detail and to promote alternative perspectives. It is important to note that within a brief period of time, these therapeutic activities and those discussed previously were shared among group members. In keeping with the collaborative postmodern orientation, group members, by virtue of their own unique experience, are viewed as sources of help and knowledge.

As with other kinds of support groups, the opportunity for members to share their story with peers and to receive empathy and understanding has been an especially helpful element. At the time of group formation, several participants did not even know other stepmothers with whom they could compare experiences, and only one had regular contact with another stepmother (a work colleague) with whom she could confide. Thus, the sharing of stories provided a needed outlet for stored-up feelings. The degree to which individuals participate in any one group varies and is based solely on their immediate needs and life circumstances. Thus, there is no formal "go-round" or "check-in," nor are members singled out for attention in any kind of linear fashion. Rather, individual narratives have been continually revisited and evolved in a reflexive, reiterative way.

As members have shared their stories, one of the most important functions served by the group has been the ability to compare and contrast family situations; relationships with stepchildren and ex-spouses; parental role functioning; and the handling of events (typically stressful for step-families) such as holidays, graduations, and weddings. Learning from the mistakes and triumphs enfolded in each other's stories is another therapeutic element of the group. The diversity of family situations aided this process. For instance, several stepmothers in the group are also biological parents. Upon hearing the biological parent perspective, other members have been helped to better appreciate the feelings and actions of their spouses.

These diverse and yet common experiences have given members a sense of normalcy, and as a collective entity, the group has developed its own counterstepmother story. This counterstory is constitutive in that it embraces caring and commitment not only between members but also among members and their families. Although participants clearly perceive the group as an opportunity for problem solving and self-care, it is understood that these norms transcend the group and support the goal of strengthening relationships at home. In contrast to the themes of callousness and rigidity imbedded in the cultural evil stepmother story, this alternative story has come to embody caring, compassion, and flexibility, especially in regard to roles and relationships.

The group has offered participants the space and place in which to examine values and expectations shaped by the dominant nuclear family culture that, at times, fly in the face of stepfamily life. Most of the group's members were raised in two-parent nuclear families in which, by and large, both parents acted in supportive and authoritarian roles and where there existed mutual love, trust, and respect. Thus, their blueprint for family life has often been incongruent with their own personal family reality, a reality that may include little or no parental authority, a great deal of mistrust, and in some cases total loathing from their stepchildren. Finally, as group members have externalized specific problems and experimented with different kinds of responses, unique outcomes, options, and strengths have been identified. These, combined with new insights and meanings, have led to many individual stories being transformed.

Stories of Stepmothers

Coping With "Hear No Evil, See No Evil"

One recurrent story in the group has been that of the stepmother struggling with adolescents or young adult stepchildren who are overtly and aggressively hostile to them. This hostility might take the form of refusing to speak to them; "borrowing" clothing, cosmetics, and other personal items without permission; and verbal abuse. In addition, some of these children have engaged in various kinds of risk-taking and addictive behaviors. This situation is made far more difficult by spouses who are unable or unwilling to acknowledge the problem and/or to take corrective action. It also compromises the family's sense of well-being and places strain on the couple relationship. Home, rather than being a safe harbor, may feel more like a minefield.

Gina's account represents one variation of this shared collective experience. She is the mother of a son and a daughter and two stepdaughters, one preteen and one 16 year old. She and her husband were both divorced and then married for 4 years. About her oldest stepdaughter Gina stated, "She hates me; she just totally hates me, and there's nothing I can do to change that." Most disturbing, however, was the fact that Gina had caught her stepdaughter using marijuana and had also found alcohol hidden about the house. Gina worried about the possibility of addiction and the potential influence on the other children. Her husband claimed that these were normal adolescent behaviors and that she was over reacting. Her younger stepdaughter, whom she had previously been close to, was also starting to rebel and reject her. Gina stated, "I don't have the strength. I can't go through this all over again with still another one."

Although Gina's story did seem bleak, over time the group found several holes in it, which formed the basis of hope and a slow, painful revision. Questioning that attended to strengths rather than just the problems uncovered the fact that Gina's two biological children were well adjusted and well behaved. They had a good relationship with Tony, their stepfather, and showed no signs of "turning" as their stepsisters had done. It also became clear to the group that Gina was assuming a great deal of responsibility for the problems (which predated her relationship with her husband) and that her rescuing efforts were causing further role strain and exhaustion. As these other story elements were added and alternative versions and options considered (e.g., "What do you think would happen if you weren't running interference so much?"), Gina's story began to change. She returned to the group at a later point and declared that she had handed over the major parenting and management tasks of her two stepdaughters to her husband. He and his daughters would have to develop direct communication lines that would bypass her. Although her husband resisted these changes, they did result in his becoming more active in setting limits and eventually more concerned about the gravity of the problems. Gina still mourns the loss of the ideal family and struggles with perceptions of being selfish, but her new story is now well anchored. She has abdicated the role of super stepmom (and scapegoat) in favor of survivor and competent mother of two children.

A story told by Peg is an example of a unique outcome and how this can open up other possibilities for change. In many ways, her situation parallels Gina's except that she does not have biological children to validate parenting competencies and serve as a source of support. She, too, has problems with a teenage stepdaughter who has been belligerent and self-destructive. Her husband, who has been unable to set limits or require even the most basic elements of civility, told her to "just ignore it." At times, he even blamed her for his daughter's longstanding problems. Having come from a close-knit family, Peg was unaccustomed to the lack of rules and respect. Because her spouse was not receptive to her input, most of her feelings were internalized except within the group. At a point when tensions and conflict were mounting, Peg reported feeling increasingly anxious and talked about getting medication to relieve her stress symptoms. Although group members validated her feelings of anger and despair, they also helped her to externalize the problem. They pointed out that although her stress symptoms were uncomfortable, she was not the problem and should not have to become the patient. Members labeled the pouting, tantrums, and foul language of her stepdaughter as unacceptable and inappropriate for a college-age woman. The group helped Peg to map the problem, wondering aloud about what Peg could do to protect herself and exert more influence over these difficult behaviors. After a few more meetings, Peg reported feeling "much stronger." The previous week, her stepdaughter Stacey had "lost it" and yelled at Peg using a number of obscenities. Unlike previous times, Peg stood her ground. "I told her that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and that if it happened again that I would pack her bags and she would be out for good." She later apprised her husband of this encounter and he did not challenge her. Following this incident, Stacey was less provocative, and Peg's sense of agency began to grow. Members have continued to reinforce and anchor this "I'm in charge" counterstory through anticipatory practice sessions in the group.

Caring and Caregiving Without Authority

Other women in the group have experienced another kind of dilemma. Several group members have established very close bonds with their stepchildren. Not only do they do most of the hands-on physical care, but also act in the role of confidante, supporter, and advocate. As gratifying as these roles are, without exception, these women have all encountered similar frustrations imposed by the inherent limitations of the stepparent role.

Jill has had an exceptionally good relationship with her two stepsons. She is very involved in both of their lives and even coaches their soccer team. Early on in the group, Jill noted that she suspected that Tim (age 7) might have some form of dyslexia. While helping him with his homework and reading together at bedtime, she noticed that certain letters and numbers were being confused and reversed. When she mentioned this to his teacher, she was told that this was common for children his age and that he would "grow out of it." Jill did not want to overstep her bounds, especially because Tim's mother had made it clear that her worries about his learning were unfounded as well as unwelcome. As time went on Jill periodically mentioned her concern and at one meeting stated, "I feel really strongly that something is going on but my hands are tied! I'm the only one that thinks there's a problem, and I have no say in the matter." Group members validated Jill's frustration but challenged her assumption that she lacked the right and credibility to press her husband and the school on Tim's behalf. The group helped Jill consider various options and ways that she could exert more influence over this problem.

A month later, Jill updated the group with some "unbelievable news." During a normally brief encounter with the boys' mother before a weekend visit, Jill risked raising the topic again. Much to her surprise, this time Tim's mother was not only receptive but suggested that they join forces to strategize on how to get school personnel to be more responsive. Although she felt a "little strange" about allying with her husband's former wife, her concern about Tim took precedence. She reported that during that same weekend all the parents had managed to sit down together to talk about Tim and that this was followed by a conference at the school. Tim was scheduled to have a full evaluation. (He was eventually diagnosed with a learning disorder and has been receiving extra services.) This unique outcome of Jill asserting herself in child-rearing matters was keenly examined and highlighted in the group. With encouragement and support from group members, it was followed by many examples of Jill voicing her opinions and giving herself a larger and stronger part in her own family story.

The Ex-Wife Story

Another collective narrative is the ex-wife story. In many stepmother families, the ex-wife (i.e., the biological mother) has substantial influence over many aspects of family life. Most noncustodial mothers who share custody are actively engaged in the lives of their children. This involvement typically and appropriately involves decision making over most spheres of the child's life. It may also necessitate that the stepmother accept that some of her wants and needs may be overruled. Thus, relationships with ex-wives contain inherent tensions and may be the source of considerable frustration.

In the early stages of the group, several participants shared their resentment toward their spouse's former wife or partner. Along with anger, they also expressed conflict and shame around feeling so negatively. Two members actually stated that being able to change these feelings was a primary objective in coming to the group. Odessa, a quiet and demure woman, sheepishly reported that her hostility toward her husband's ex-wife was so intense that she could barely even speak with her on the phone. Embarrassed by the "pettiness" of these feelings, Odessa could not bring herself to share them with friends or family. Having spent many unhappy years with his former wife, her husband refused to listen to any "Alice" stories. Without an outlet, the negativity cumulated to the point where her aversion had become a preoccupation.

For Odessa, these hostile feelings began to lose their potency when she was able to externalize and separate herself from them in a safe and nonjudgmental setting. After only a few meetings of telling stories, venting feelings, and even laughing at what she was able to label as "my Alice reruns," Odessa reported that her ruminations were lessening. As group members queried her about other more pertinent as well as positive aspects of her life, Odessa also began to pay more attention to them. Over time, with support from the group, she began to exert more conscious control over these negative, intrusive thoughts by saying, "I don't know why I let her take up so much space in my head!" About a year after the group started, Odessa amazed the other members with a story about fixing Alice breakfast in her own kitchen. "I couldn't have cared less," said Odessa. "She could have just as well have been a distant cousin."

Black Humor and Wicked Stepmother Stories

As with many painful life experiences, humor has been used by group members as a means of externalizing, refraining, and coping. As mentioned earlier in this article, many stepmothers are very cautious about expressing any negative feelings to or about their stepchildren in order to prevent the perception of being a wicked stepmother. Other stepmothers, as evidenced in some of the previous stories, have realized that to discuss problems or concerns about the stepchildren with their spouse is to quickly become the enemy. Still others have learned to conceal their hopes or hurts so as not to make themselves even more vulnerable to ridicule or rejection from their stepchildren. Thus, the group has not only served as a safe place to release suppressed feelings of sadness, frustration, or anger, but also as a place to transform them as well. One way of doing this has been through mixing humor and mischief to tell some very wicked stories.

Throughout this article, the narrative perspective of meaning evolving through conversation and the telling of stories has been underscored. This point was especially apparent in some of the humorous stories that grew out of very distressing ones. At one group meeting, Inez talked about the pain and humiliation that she had recently experienced at her stepdaughter's wedding. After months of happy anticipation and assisting with preparation tasks, Inez was shocked and dismayed to discover that the mother of the bride had made some last minute "adjustments" in the seating plan. Not only was she not sitting near her husband, she was not even in the same room. Instead, she and a few other obviously less important guests found themselves seated in a nearby alcove outside the restrooms. As the story came to a quiet end, Inez's plump body began to shake, and the person next to her reached out to comfort her. Much to the group's surprise, Inez burst out laughing. "I came this close to tripping her [the bride's mother] on the way to the restroom," Inez confessed. "Now that would have been something!" As the group broke into laughter at the images evoked by this story, members fantasized about other strategies of revenge. This also led participants to tell their own stories of being sidelined and slighted, which in this shared group culture seemed funny rather than painful. Through the telling and reenactment, sad and sometimes heartbreaking stories were transformed into comedies.

The "butter" story has become a cherished one within the group. As Christy was putting dinner on the table one evening (after working all day), one of her stepsons began to complain about the meal. Her husband immediately jumped up and began to fix him something different. Although her patience was tried, Christy said nothing. However, when her stepson spit out his homemade cookies and said that they tasted like dog biscuits, even reserved and quiet Christy lost her composure. Grabbing the closest thing to her, the butter, she hurled it across the kitchen. Although the dish met its demise on the floor, the butter not only hit the wall but also amazingly stuck and stayed there. As Christy told this story she was still partly angry and partly ashamed. Members had listened attentively and respectfully until the butter incident, which then caused first a suppressed giggle and then unconstrained hilarity. As the group continued to laugh and even cheer, Christy finally joined in. Members occasionally recall this story and are fond of saying, "Sometimes, you just have to throw the butter."

Thoughts on the Dual Role of Leader and Participant

Twenty years ago when most therapists practiced under the then prevalent modernistic orientation, acting in the dual roles of group leader and participant may have been viewed as compromising the neutrality required of the therapeutic relationship. Today, however, working within a narrative and postmodern perspective, this blending of roles seems natural. One reason is that the postmodern orientation endorses the view of therapy as a collaborative process. The group leader is engaged in a mutual search for understanding and meaning and is therefore already both a facilitator and participant (Anderson and Goolishian, 1992; Dean, 1998). Secondly, rather than an expert who is there to give answers, the therapeutic role of a facilitator within the narrative approach is to ask questions from a not-knowing stance (Anderson & Goolishian, 1992). This implies an openness and eagerness to be informed by the experience of others. Thus, I consider my unique situation as a facilitator, a member, and a stepmother as enhancing rather than breaching the therapeutic milieu.

Another key way in which collaboration took place was in the preparation of this article. Group members offered suggestions and ideas about specific stories that illustrated the larger thematic stories. They reviewed drafts of the article, gave feedback, and validated the authenticity of the stories. The participants also offered encouragement and support. Most importantly, group members have permitted their very personal stories to be publicly shared (albeit anonymously and with altered details) as a means of helping others and hopefully contributing to the transformation of the larger culture's stereotypical stepmother story.

Conclusion

The bind for stepmothers in American society is twofold. The first is that the nuclear family continues to be the dominant and preferred paradigm for family life in America. Biological motherhood represents such a sacred and privileged status that the role of stepmother, which typically carries with it all of the normal duties and responsibilities of parenthood, is viewed as a second-tier form of motherhood. The second part of this dilemma is that the role of stepmother has for so long been associated with pernicious behavior that the terms stepmother and wicked are nearly synonymous. It is not surprising then that many stepmothers may avoid revealing their "step" status and experience feelings of role dissonance, insecurity, and isolation.

I have described an ongoing support group for stepmothers that is based on narrative principles. This group was conceived not just as a way of providing mutual empathy, but also as a means of untangling the real, lived experiences of stepmothers from the shadow of the pervasive and denigrating cultural story. It has given members a psychological and social milieu in which to share and reconstruct their own stories and to understand the influence of the larger culture. Out of these revised meanings, new plots, roles, and stories have emerged. The emotional benefits of this interactive process are great. As members have redefined themselves to themselves, their families, and each other, feelings of mastery, self-esteem, and well-being have increased. As one group member phrased it,

I came here with the idea that I would get answers.

Instead I got questions that made me rethink who I am.

Now I see myself and what I'm able to do in a different

way.... I'm actually enjoying my life again!

As mental health benefits are increasingly restricted to relieving the most acute problems, support groups offer a viable way of providing ongoing services to those who have exhausted their benefits. Support groups also meet the needs of those who live with stressful situations but who do not necessarily require intensive psychotherapy. Although this article has dealt with issues pertinent to stepmothers, narrative techniques are applicable to most open-ended support groups (Dean, 1998). The narrative model offers a well-defined theoretical framework to guide and inform the group process. Narrative techniques are also especially suitable for chronic, ongoing situations and for individuals who have been marginalized by the dominant society (Dean, 1995). The synergy that emerges from applying narrative concepts to support groups offers participants not only a supportive community in which to share their stories, but also a therapeutic context in which to change them.

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Anne C. Jones, PhD, is clinical assistant professor, the School of Social Work, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, 301 Pittsboro Street, CB# 3550, Chapel Hill, NC 27599-3550. E-mail: annejone@email.unc.edu. She has also worked for 15 years as a clinical practitioner specializing in adult and family transitions.

Author's note. The author thanks Dr. Ruth Grossman Dean, Simmons College, School of Social Work for fostering interest in narrative therapy, for her ongoing encouragement and for her comments on the manuscript. This paper is dedicated to the stepmothers in the group, whose humor, support, and willingness to share their stories made it possible.

Manuscript received: January 15, 2002

Revised: September 14, 2003

Accepted: October 31, 2003

Copyright Families in Society Jan-Mar 2004
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