Here we go again, it's only 74 days until ...

Week 10 Only 10 and a half weeks until Christmas (or 74 days). How is your office preparing? Tesco, after all, has been selling minced pies since April. Time for the We Love Leo Sayer Xmas Party Committee (aka We Don't Have Much To Do And Do And Do Tell Everyone) to reconvene. Senior management turns a blind eye; it's a choice between this or letting them continue to destroy Western capitalism.

Week 9 Committee members narrow down party theme to a Past-Times- Tasteful But-Rather-Selective-Medieval/Elizabethan/Victorian Xmas. Sadly budgets don't stretch this far and the committee is reminded that the paper chains and Slade's Merry Christmas tape are where they're always kept. It will be a traditional Seventies party yet again, provided they can find the Donna Summer disco-glitter wig.

Week 8 Mass hysteria as people want to know what will be the Christmas colour: silver, gold or black? Everyone waits to read November's Elle. Not that it will matter as most people under the strobe lights look as if they've got psychedelic chicken pox anyway. Week 7 The office's architects remind everyone that "nothing should be hung to detract from the postmodernist statement of the building's distressed hes-sian core". After a series of emergency meetings, minimalist decorations are finally allowed - but there are to be no concertina Father Christmases or sprigs of holly. The next person to say there are only 53 days till Xmas is likely to be strangled with purple tinsel. The oldest person in the office recalls how, when they were young, they were quite happy with a tangerine wrapped in a piece of silver foil and an old box. Week 6 A young and enthusiastic committee member suggests an Xmas postbox for people's gifts and cards. Everyone is too embarrassed to say no, provided she organises it. Soon a giant tube is covered in red crepe paper and Boots cotton wool balls, with a perky plastic robin on top. The office Xmas lunch is unanimously booked for an "Xmas-free" Chinese restaurant. Week 5 Close clients, it is announced, will be invited to the "added-value" Xmas Party - the MD wants to beat the competitors and offload the gift-wrapped Chivas Regal in person. It is decided, sadly, to put the Full Monty Santa-gram and simulated snowman and snowgirl on hold. Week 4 Excuses for not attending the Xmas party start flooding in. They include "I'm out of the country all of a sudden" and "I've got an allergy to Kettle Chips". Several leaving dates are even brought forward. Week 3 Human Resources explains that the photocopying room will be out of bounds for the Big Day for unspecified reasons. Week 2 Refuse collectors somehow breach security and electronic surveillance and ask plaintively for their Xmas box. Everyone breaks down and has a whip-round, giving them all the suppliers' expensive liqueurs, cigars and mini-Xmas puddings that they didn't really want anyway. Week 1 Pick straws to see who must wear the Santa outfit and empty Xmas postbox; the usual Military Tattoo CDs, bra-and-panties aprons and car-cleaning sets appear but at least people know what they'll be getting next year. Colleagues stand around most of the day discussing traditional Xmas themes including the M4 on Christmas Eve, Camden Sainsbury's and the miserly bonus. Last person to leave Xmas party upright is asked to put on the lights, so that the cleaners won't fall over too many bodies. Only one week now until someone says: "There are only 52 weeks till next Xmas ..."

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