Let grandchild visit be a 'simple' time

Question: I read the letter from the grandmother who was worn out by her grandchildren's visits. I had to write, because as a girl growing up in the midst of a busy, harried family, visits to my Nana were a deeply cherished time for me. Our times together were so simple. They were not filled-up days with visits to lots of places.

I'm writing to tell the grandmother not to let the parents set the tone for the visits, regarding "teaching the child so much, etc." My weekends with my Nana are my very best childhood memories, purely because I felt that she always really wanted me there.

I also want to share some of Nana's ideas. A small library of videos can serve as "quiet time" during the afternoon. Grandma and grandchild can make popcorn together and then Grandma can close one eye on the couch while the child watches a movie.

Toys the child doesn't have at home can be fascinating. Nana had a big box of plastic horses, cowboys and Indians. She also had Lincoln Logs. I spent hours entertaining myself, creating Wild West scenes. She'd often set me up at her dining-room table with her big tin of crayons and a new coloring book -- and that relaxed, unhurried time felt like such a gift.

I hope this grandmother doesn't miss this opportunity. My Nana died 12 years ago, and I miss her deeply every day. -- L., Houston

Answer: Your lovely letter filled with memories of your visits with your grandmother is inspiring testimony to the importance of the grandmother-grandchild relationship. Grandparents help connect a child to her heritage and serve as a beacon for her future.

My own grandmother is the reason I (Dr. Brazelton) became a pediatrician. She never pressured me or told me what to do with my life. But she adored me as her first grandchild and backed me to be the baby sitter for my younger cousins at family reunions. Then she'd say, "Berry, you're so good with small children." I still hear her voice.

It's wonderful that you remember the toys your grandmother set out for you. You say you entertained yourself, but it's likely that her presence and her approval were an important background for enjoying your play. Perhaps as you played out your dreams, you watched her for reactions -- which heightened your play.

You are lucky to have had a grandmother who cared so deeply for you. The grandmother who wrote about her frustrations must be longing for the kind of low-key visits with her grandchildren that you describe. I agree with your advice. It's up to her to set the tone of the visits, and it's important for her to plan some breaks. It could be a welcome change for the grandchildren from the parents' pace and expectations. Children can learn to respect such differences and to adjust their behavior accordingly.

Read on for another response to that grandmother's letter.

Question: Grandma wants to know why her grandchildren are so hard to be with, and I want to know, too! I wonder the exact same thing as a parent of two girls, 8 and 13.

I remember amusing myself as a child: reading books, collecting bugs, playing with a chemistry set, whatever I was interested in at the time. I wasn't half as demanding as my own children.

I could start blaming divorce or parents with demanding careers or living in a big city or any number of other things, but the truth is, I know so many kids like them from all sorts of backgrounds that none of those causes seems to fit.

Honestly, the only one that might make sense is television. It requires no interaction, input or decisions from them. Maybe they're losing the ability -- or the desire -- to be in control of their own lives. --D.H., New Orleans

Answer: You seem to be expressing the concerns of many parents today. There are a variety of reasons why children may have trouble entertaining themselves and learning on their own. But you are not alone in wondering: Are we losing our children to the media?

Two new books -- "Consuming Kids: The Hostile Takeover of Childhood" by Susan Linn (New Press, 2004) and "Born to Buy: The Commercialized Child and the New Consumer Culture" by Juliet Schor (Scribner, 2004) -- have exposed serious and previously unsuspected effects of direct marketing to children. The goal of many TV advertisers is to sell more junk food, toys and clothing by persuading children that what they see on television is more reliable than anything their parents may say.

In so many cartoons, parents are either completely absent or portrayed as insensitive or out of touch. In some, children who are rude to adults are the heroes. The message these shows are sending is: "Why listen to your parents? Just get them to buy you what you want."

We can and must control our children's exposure to television and other media. It is time for us to take back our role in defining our children's culture.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 609 Greenwich St., 6th Floor, New York, NY 10014-3610. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider. ? Distributed by New York Times News Service

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