An A-Z of nonsense

Added value. Producing a rather boring product or service, but by adding something extra things suddenly pep up - why didn't you think of making ice cream a sex aid?

Brainstorming. Spending six hours on "making the most of meeting situations" only to decide that the point is to communicate.

Core worker. Somebody whom they can't sack because they saw what the MD was doing on the photocopier at the last Christmas party. Downsizing. Caring Nineties way of announcing redundancies. News often released early, like at Christmas, to get you over the initial shock. Empowerment. Encourages you to take on so many extra responsibilities, you won't have time to work out your salary hasn't gone up. Flattening of hierarchies. Your company's middle management is sacked and most of its work and stress problems are delegated to you. Glass ceiling. Either blatant patriarchal sexism stops you getting to the top - or else you don't want to miss Brookside. Human Resources department. Used to be called "the person from Personnel who took an abnormal interest in your hobbies and told you where the toilet was". Innovation. "In the interests of continuous change and development, you shouldn't be resistant to redundancy." Japanese management style. Your boss holds empowered Quality Circle meetings where everyone gets the giggles when he mentions Vision Statements. Kite marks. The ultimate quality accolade that lets clients know they will get put through to the right department eventually. Learning curve. Discovering, for example, that spilling a cappuccino inside a keyboard isn't a very sensible thing to do. Mission statement. Says you're the number one global leader and totally caring, except in a bit more of an obfuscatory way - in case anyone actually reads it. Networking. Meeting someone for lunch whose job you would quite like to have. Portfolio of skills. A classic euphemism for "having had loads of unsuccessful careers which you're now trying to turn into a logical progression on your CV". Quality time. The time you spend outside your job, worrying about it. Reengineering. Management consultants tell the MD, for an exorbitant fee, what everyone has been saying for years. Stakeholders. Management try to make non-shareholders feel happy about working for a pittance. Tele-cottaging. Working from home on a 24-hour standby, as no one sees why you should miss out on any of the stress. USP Every company must have its unique selling points, otherwise it wouldn't stay in business. Keep telling yourself this. Vision statement. A mission statement written by the chief executive, felt, by him, to be analogous to the Sermon on the Mount. What if? analysis. Computer-spreadsheet models that let you blame Bill Gates when it all goes wrong. X Theory. Belief that most employees are lazy and lacking in ambition and luncheon vouchers wouldn't improve them. Y Theory. Belief that maybe luncheon vouchers might just do the trick. ZD (Zero Defects). The idea that none of your company's products or services ever falls below standard, and that pigs may fly.

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