They ought to be committed - 'All Over the Guy' explores relationship issues of men; actors Dan Bucatinsky and Adam Goldberg discuss film

The stars of All Over the Guy wonder whether gay men and straight men bail out of the same boat where relationships are concerned

The only thing separating a straight man from a gay man these days is not a six-pack, as the cliche suggests, but a wedding ring: Straight men can cement their relationships the old-fashioned way, at the altar, while gay couples still have to improvise. That's one theme in screenwriter and actor Dan Bucatinsky's new film, All Over the Guy, which deftly and humorously tackles gay men, straight ones, their friendships, their similarities, and theft differences.

Directed by Julie Davis, Guy follows two budding parallel relationships. As gay everyman Eli (played by Bucatinsky) pursues prickly, commitment-phobic Tom (Richard Ruccolo), Eli and Tom's straight best friends--Brett (Adam Goldberg) and Jackie (Sasha Alexander)--become engaged. Along the way, all three men throw the occasional wrench into their own romances, evoking another cliche: All men are pigs.

"Straight or gay, people somehow manage to be attracted to the very thing that's going to make it impossible for them to hook up," says Bucatinsky. "I know that I've fallen for people who were completely not available or hated my guts."

Bucatinsky adapted All Over the Guy from his play, which originally saw Eli and Tom as a heterosexual couple, a woman inhabiting the struggling alcoholic Tom character. The gracefulness of Tom's sex change--his affair with Eli will seem familiar to gay men everywhere--suggests again that gay and straight people may be more alike than most would care to admit.

Hoping to shed more light on these often-ignored similarities, The Advocate sat down with Bucatinsky, who's gay, and his straight costar Adam Goldberg in a Greenwich Village apartment. Throughout the discussion, Guy executive producer Don Roos (writer-director of The Opposite of Sex) snapped photos and graciously proffered snacks and beverages--but alas, no six-packs.

So, Dan, both Eli and Tom screw up their relationship during the course of the movie. Which is the bigger idiot?

Bucatinsky: I think it's easier to believe Tom is the devil and evil one, but I think there's something much more honest about Tom than Eli. Tom is staying true to his fears, whereas Eli is sort of imposing a lot of false hopes and ideas on a person who clearly isn't [ready]. So in a way I think Eli's the bigger stooge.

Goldberg: I think early on it's more clearly Tom who's the stooge. But then as it goes on it seems to balance itself out.

Are men all pigs?

Goldberg: I think everybody is, period. I read short story in The New Yorker about this woman who got out of a tortured relationship, had a series of one-night stands, and had total control of all these men but at the end of the day didn't want to be with somebody with whom she could have a life. And when she finally met that person she became repulsed. She sounded so much like one of my male friends that to think this went on inside the mind of a woman completely terrified me.

Bucatinsky: I know a gay woman who has not been able to be in a relationship for 45 years because no one woman is good enough, smart enough, classy enough, tasteful enough. The assumption being that she is [all those things].

What about this concept that "men are from Mars and women are from Venus"?

Bukatinsky: That's what fucked everything up ...

Goldberg: The whole concept that men and women are really different. I've thought at times how it's too bad I wasn't sexually attracted to certain male friends of mine. It's easy to think that men understand each other a lot better, but I know that in the case of my friends it's easier to be forgiving with your friends than your spouse, straight or gay.

Are gay men more commitment-phobic than straight men?

Bukatinsky: I find that a lot of gay men are into looking for that person to spend time with, much more than the streotype assumes. And I guess [straight] guys pick up women all the time and have one-night stands.

Goldberg: But it's a lot harder.

Bucatinsky: I think gay men can always find a guy who's looking for what they are.

Goldberg: That's what my friends and I used to say all the time. Driving down Santa Monica Boulevard in L.A. and saying, "Look at these lucky sons-a-bitches. It's a sea of sex."

Bucatinsky: But I know a lot of guys, gay men, who want to meet somebody [to settle down with]. The only difference--and I think we show it in the movie--is a time line, the societal structure straight couples have. They've got a natural course to follow. And the gay guys, as much as there's now a very conventional cliche of two guys living in their house with their two golden retrievers and picket fence, what keeps them living together if they don't have a legal contract? Purely your desire to be with that person.

Are you on that hetero time line, Adam?

Goldberg: I love the idea of being able to have someone to share my life with, of having kids. I'm incredibly cynical about it, though. I don't believe that marriage and family as it's expected to be is possible, and I'm sure that's because my parents got divorced and everybody else's parents got divorced. I don't have a sense of what a normal family life is.

Bucatinsky: In the movie what motivates Tom is that whatever he does, he doesn't want to end up like his parents. And that keeps him from wanting commitment.

Are you in a relationship now, Dan?

Bucatinsky: Yes. For 8 1/2 years.

So you haven't had to deal with any of this stuff recently.

Bucatinsky: But right before this relationship I was having an affair with someone for eight months who was with somebody else. And I was the one saying, "So clearly we're in love, you obviously need to leave him." I'm not proud of it, but I'm glad it happened. I don't know that I believed I could truly be in love with somebody until that time, so for me, it was a great experience. You get something from every relationship.

Goldberg: Ideally books or CDs.

Bukatinsky: Or the clothes you steal which you never give back.

Goldberg: That's where we can't relate. The clothes thing. I can't fit into my girlfriend's clothes.

So is sharing clothes the biggest advantage that gay couples have

Goldberg: There might be more room in a gay relationship to just experience each other without imposing the structure that is imposed upon us. I really resent that we're slaves to this outmoded structure. It goes back a zillion years, but those initial reasons for marriage are not applicable[anymore]. Which, again, is not to say I want a harem. It's just that the day I turned 30 suddenly I felt I had to start thinking in completely different terms, and I don't want that.

Bucatinsky: I have a friend whose girlfriend said to him, "If you don't propose to me by Thanksgiving, it's over." And I thought, God, that's tough, to get married under those circumstances. Yeah, sure, a gay guy can tell someone, "Move in by Christmas, or this is over." The whole "shit or get off the pot" thing can happen in any relationship. Even in a one-night stand, someone's looking at you like, "Is this the one?" If you're even wondering that and we just met nine hours ago, already I can't deal with that.

If all people are really so similar, it does sort of trash the Mars/Venus thing. Anyway, that theory never answered the question, What planet do gay men come from?

Goldberg: Uranus?

Bucatinsky: You went there. I'm disappointed.

Goldberg: What was I going to say? Pluto?

Ferber also writes for L.A. Weekly and Time Out New York.

Find links for All Over the Guy and the film festivals at which it has appeared at www.advocate.com

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