Sex, drugs, love, loss: screenwriter Ron Nyswaner lays bare his private struggle with drugs and hustlers in a sizzling new memoir

I think I feel vulnerable in the best way," says Ron Nyswaner, describing the emotional aftermath of writing his searing new memoir, Blue Days, Black Nights (Alyson/Advocate Books, $23.95). The book--his first--pulls the lid all the way off Nyswaner's secret years of addiction to drugs and dangerous men. It doesn't paint a pretty picture of its author, and that's fine with him. "The relief that comes with honesty is worth the exposure," he says.

Nyswaner is one of Hollywood's top screenwriters, with credits including 1993's Philadelphia, for which he received an Oscar nomination, and Soldier's Girl, Showtime's 2003 Peabody Award-winning drama on the murder of Pfc. Barry Winchell. Out and upstanding on the job, he has long been viewed by gay artists as a symbol of success.

But his story's not that simple. For a wrenching period, Nyswaner discloses, he was also "what we drug addicts call a garbagehead--whatever you have in your hand, I'll take it. But the drugs that really drove me were cocaine and crystal methamphetamine."

He functioned in Hollywood with nary a professional ripple to hint at his personal turmoil. "People who know me well find it difficult to read the book, because so much of what I was going through, I kept secret," he says. "Some people said, 'Oh, gee, if I'd only known, I would have helped you.' They're missing the point--I was on a private mission of love and passion and addiction, and no one could intervene and help me."

Even as Nyswaner was living the days and nights of Iris addiction, the storyteller in hint knew he would write about it. "When life becomes very painful, as writers we can step back and observe what's going on," he says. "In some ways that sounds crass and exploitive, but for me it's a survival tool I've used my whole life."

Nyswaner was determined from the start to tell his story using his own name. "I could have written a novel and used the events I trod experienced," he says. "That's what we do in fiction; we just disguise ourselves a little bit. But I think that so much of what was making my life fall apart had to do with dishonesty. It had to do with hiding in hotel rooms, living a secret life involving chug dealers and prostitutes, and these horrible, horrific drug binges that were often solitary.

"I think I had to let the light in," he continues. "And it wouldn't have seemed as honest to 'disguise' the facts yet again. That's what I did for the years of my drug addiction--I disguised the facts. I was never 'hungover.' I 'had the flu.'"

In addition to being frank about his addiction to cocaine and crystal meth, Nyswaner honestly relates his consuming need to find the personal completion of romantic love and how the two needs, entwined, nearly strangled him.

"It was my driving passion," he says, "the notion that the solution was right around the corner and it was going to be in the form of some really gorgeous, loving, sexy, brilliant man who also had enough of an edge of danger to make him interesting."

Ultimately, this proved to be as toxic as any narcotic. "I'd gone through my life being cautious about many things," Nyswaner says thoughtfully. "Cautious about love, cautious about men, cautious about being gay. And when I took crystal, all caution was thrown aside. I was thoroughly who I was: sexual, gay, fearless--and I was able to be that for hours and days at a time. And then it turned on me."

Since then, Nyswaner has worked hard to turn his life around. "I've been sober for several years now," he says. "Anyone who's worked with me in the last few years has had the experience of working with a really clearheaded, reliable professional."

The pro is in top form with Blue Days, Black Nights. The book rejects sentiment and self-pity in favor of a minute-by-minute thrill ride that transmits the highs as vividly as the horrifying lows. "I got through the catharsis in therapy," Nyswaner drily notes. "Then I set out to write a really entertaining book."

Rowe's essay collection, Other Men's Sons, will be published this fall by Mosaic Press.

COPYRIGHT 2004 Liberation Publications, Inc.
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