Star Problems: Dear M Celebs Agony Aunt

LETTER OF

THE WEEK

Why am I so miserable?

Dear Auntie

I recently married a talented, sensible man, and I am happily pregnant. My career is going well, and I look after myself with yoga and, until I became pregnant, a macrobiotic diet. The trouble is, I just can't shake the feeling things shouldn't be this easy. Deep inside, I'm a troubled poet, not a cheerleader - so how can I accept that my life is going well for once? Gwynnie, London

You, lady, are so busy gazing into the depths of your half-empty glass, you're failing to spot the vast carafe of alcohol-free organic wine right next to it. Life naturally goes in cycles of good things and bad things - you happen to be in a lucky cycle at the moment. Did your mother never tell you, 'Don't trouble trouble till it troubles you'? Because trouble you it certainly will at some later point. Attempt to lighten up while you've got the chance, because when the work starts drying up, the baby's screaming, and your husband is complaining because you're out of soya bean soup, you'll wish you'd had fun while you still could. But by then, it may be too late...

MY ROVING EYE GETS ME INTO TROUBLE

Dear Auntie

I'm a charming Irish rogue with an eye for the ladies. Although I am happily married with small children, I just can't help myself falling into the arms of willing women, wherever I happen to be. Have I got cold feet about commitment, or am I just a complete eejit?

James N, London

I'm tempted to say a complete eejit. There are many reasons why men cheat - most often, it's opportunity. It appears that - like many successful, attractive men - you have more opportunity than most. However, just because a willing woman makes herself available, that does not mean you're obliged to take advantage of the offer. If you know you can't handle commitment, what are you doing with a wife and kids? You should have realised years ago you'd be happier with a penthouse flat and an efficient duvet-rotation system. Seemingly, your wife is very forgiving - so stop acting the irresponsible leprechaun, and act your age, not your willy size.

Who am I?

Dear Auntie

I'm a real fighter. No ho brings me down. But I have one issue - I just can't decide who I am. Am I a shy little girl with curls? Am I a dirrty bitch in leather? Am I totally ghetto fabulous? I change my image every week - but I just can't find a look that's me. Help!

Christina A, California

Changing your image constantly is not only exhausting - it also suggests you don't really know who you are inside. And eventually, people get tired of chameleons - because all they really are is attention-seeking and insecure. So you need to sit down and focus on what you really want to project about yourself. Then you can reflect that in your personal style. If that means leather chaps, a blonde afro, knee socks and a geisha kimono, then so be it - you are beautiful, no matter what they say. Honest.

I don't want to be wild

Dear Auntie

I'm so psyched!!! I have like, a totally cool career, and I love what I do. But I keep getting drunk, and sooo going off the rails - then I pull these way crazy stunts. Like, I married a friend, just cos it seemed, like a really fun thing to do! But I want my life to be like, more zen. How do I chill out?

Ms B Spears, Los Angeles

Marriage is never something to enter into lightly. When it comes to your drinking, however, it's easy to ignore the warning signs. Which is why I suggest you take a tape recorder on your next night out. As the wine kicks in, hit record, and play your night out to yourself the next day. If the tape contains the sound of an Elvis-o- gram singing Love Me Tender, or anybody saying, 'We are gathered here to witness the marriage of (insert your name) and (insert the name of your platonic pal), you'd better stick to Pepsi.

A life, not a wife

Dear Auntie

Although I am still studying at university, with a view to running the ailing family firm, I find my family and friends - even people I don't know - are becoming obsessed with finding me a wife. I am happily single, and the pressure is simply ludicrous.

William, St Andrews

People who carry a lot of family baggage often end up being controlled by those around them. Your willingness to rescue a troubled organisation has made your family eager to have complete control over you. Stand firm and consider refusing to take the role expected of you. Remember you're a free agent, and if you want to go and live on a Mexican farm, nobody can stop you. Don't be forced into an unsuitable marriage to please others, and don't be pushed into a career you're unsure about. You might upset a few ageing relatives, but hey, they'll get over it - you have more power than you think, so use it well.

WILL I FIND MR RIGHT?

Dear Auntie

Recently, I called off my engagement to a handsome, sexy guy. I've been married twice before, to men less successful than me. Now, I'm being comforted by my ex-boyfriend - he's always been around for me, and his love don't cost a thing. But maybe I just see him as a father figure. How can I ever find happiness?

Jenny, The Block, NYC

Has it occurred to you your expectations are too high for any human male to handle? Most men are fragile creatures who aim to please, and strive to make the woman they love happy. You are setting the bar so high, they're bound to sprain an ankle if they even attempt to clear it. Not only are they expected to compete with your ex, they also know others have tried and failed in their place. I suggest that, instead of relying on men to make you happy (then jumping ship when they inevitably disappoint), you should focus on what you can offer them. And remember, any love worth having does cost something - for both of you...

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