Our own lunatic long shots - last word

I've often heard that if the gay community wants to adore its Michelangelos, it has to accept its Jeffrey Dahmers. Here in California, the recall election fiasco has brought out a flock of wing nut candidates for governor. So if the lunatic long shot has become an undeniable political reality and the gay and lesbian community truly wants a place at the table, we need to belly up to this new phenomenon.

Here are the requirements as I see them. You must have no experience in political office. You must be a household name, especially if it's for doing something that makes people wince. Finally, you must be audacious enough to insist that some reality of your completely unpolitical business is key to solving a current political crisis. For instance, Hustler impresario Larry Flynt wants to make up for California's massive budget shortfall by legalizing mid taxing prostitution statewide. Is anyone going to argue with this lecherous millionaire over the profit margins of the sex industry? Can you say "untapped reservoir tip"?

So with these requirements in mind, I submit the following lunatics and long shots from oar own ranks.

Chi Chi LaRue. As one of gay porn's most famous directors, LaRue opts to shoot his sex scenes in real time. It's a "get in and get off" approach that eschews the multiple camera setups and various positions that can exhaust already over worked performers. His out-of-touch solution to political gridlock? A quick, hands-off approach to federal government that should appeal to gay conservatives and sex addicts alike. Screw filibusters! Literally! He'll get the budget passed even if it means hiring a hunky plumber to turn the speaker of the house over his podium and gag him with his own belt buckle.

Brandon from Survivor: Africa. In an era when the gay boys of reality TV were primarily uber-sensitive girl-worshiping ninnies, Brandon was a welcome blast of dragon's breath and surely the nastiest bitch to ever hit the cradle of civilization. This twiggy bartender from Texas displayed a tough, no-nonsense approach to sensitive social issues ("I'm sure glad I'm gay, because I can't stand women") and survived lions with his mouth intact. What fat-cat politico wouldn't quake in his boots after a sufficient tongue lashing from this powder keg of fairy dust?

Michael Alig. This out-of-control club kid tamed power-tool-wielding maniac is experiencing what you might call an eleventh hour revival with the recently opened indie film Party Monster recounting his exploits. With New York night life at its current plateau, is it any wonder people are pining for the last days of club land? Who cares if Alig's in prison? He meditates now. From K holes to the Middle Way, Alig's tale of transformation and rebirth is the stuff that American political dreams are made Of. (Especially if you're high.)

Camille Paglia. Openly lesbian but intellectually bisexual, Paglia has enraged many with her ice-water-in-the-face approach to issues. She thinks that the best way to stop the spread of HIV is for gay men to stop having unsafe sex with scores of strangers and that young women who want some one-on-one time with famous athletes they've just met should expect more then small talk. In short, Paglia has the potential to be our own Jesse Ventura, a fiercely independent leader who eventually realizes she's too good for the office she sought.

Catherine Tramell. The Terminator's run for governor proves it just might be possible for a fictional character to obtain political office. Who better than the woman-loving man-killer from 1992's Basic Instinct? She had lesbians citing foul and gay men rushing out to buy ice picks. Who better to penetrate the Sacramento or D.C. boys' club? Imagine the committee meetings.

Would we be offended by such candidates? Sure, they'd secure gobs of camera time and send countless harmful messages about the lesbian and gay community in the process. But imagine how legitimate Hugh Hefner feels every time Larry Flynt opens his mouth.

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