Diary of a TV makeover

BEFORE

FILMING

TOP interior designers Colin McAllister and Justin Ryan have already had a huge bust-up with Christine and Neil Hamilton in their TV series How Not to Decorate. She claimed they had turned her London flat into a Morticia Addams pastiche of a funeral parlour while they hit back by calling her a cross between an American footballer and a bad drag queen from Butlins circa 1975. But do things always go so badly? Here the boys gives us a unique insight into the tears and tantrums behind the scenes

WERE at home in Glasgow when the the phone rings. JOY! were filming in Alderley Edge, Cheshire, next week. We almost spill our skinny lattes. Its one of our fave districts, home to soap stars and footballers such as Wayne Rooney and Rio Ferdinand. Oh, the glamour! Oh, the champagne! Oh, the gossip!

On day one reality bites as we swish past droolsome homes with electric gates and pull up outside a terraced home on an ex-council estate that looks a little worse for wear. No, make that a lot worse for wear. Theres a jacked-up car in the drive. Stacks of tyres in the garden and kids toys everywhere.

Were introduced to the owner, Jo Mills, 27, and her boyfriend Barry Woodyatt, 28, who both work in catering. Playing outside is Jos eight- year-old son, Harley. It just kind of evolved into chaos, says Jo. She is not joking. The whole house is more interior desecration than interior decoration. The carpets are so bald youre in danger of skidding over, while Harley has run riot with felt tips, covering the living room chimney breast in graffiti. The sofas look circa 1970 and the curtains are hanging off their poles. Think Emmerdale. Think Dingles.

Running almost screaming from the living room we head for the kitchen. Its bad. Car parts everywhere. Theres enough washing to keep Dot Cotton in a job for years. Wallpaper is peeling off the walls, while the toffee- coloured farmhouse units have the same flush as David Dickinson on a particularly orange day.

Jo and Barrys bedrom is dowdy to the power of ten with a warehouse full of orange pine furniture. Its not a bedroom where a young couple should be spending time. And as for that timber-clad ceiling. It lends the room more than an air of a sauna. And a dodgy back street one at that.

DURING

FILMING

BEFORE you can say Dulux Colour Chart, were back in Alderley Edge with the cameras and a budget of pounds 50,000. Top priority is the kitchen which needs a boot in the bum to bring it up to scratch.

Our grumpy builders (Andy, Dickie, Paul and Stuart) insist our plans are too ambitious but nevertheless get on with tearing out the old cabinets and replacing them with glossy white units topped with wrap-around timber worktops to provide contrast. It's amazing how persuasive we can be when promising a curry and a keg of Stella at the end of the shift.

Then after a massive argument with Andy, who doesnt want to take down the dividing wall between the living room and the kitchen, we get our wicked way to create a fabulous open-plan space that breathes beautifully as it leads on to the garden. God, were good.

To further link the kitchen and living zones we laid continuous flooring between all spaces and the results are spectacular. Creating French doors to the garden was a huge job (we consulted building regs and brought in a structural engineer to install new lintels both here and between the living room and kitchen).

In the dreamy open-plan living/dining room we painted everything purest white to visually clear the space and added chunky black leather furniture. We shelled out for Bertoia dining chairs but saved dosh by plundering Ikea for an inexpensive glass-topped table.

Then we added some serious glams. First a funky fireplace with a low- slung marble topped hearth/storage unit and a flatscreen TV above after checking there were no safety issues.

The final finishing touch was the large photo of Jo. As madams a car fanatic, we popped her into a little black dress, took her to a posh car showroom and draped her across the bonnet of a Porscshe Boxter! We sent the pic to Snappy Snaps who did the rest.

Upstairs Harveys bedroom was so full of junk you felt sorry for any kid sleeping there. Next Home have a brilliant range of Union Jack/ Mini Cooper-themed bedding, cushions and throws and we used these as our starting point to create a wonderful new look.

To keep costs to a minimum we ripped up the existing carpets and painted the floorboards white (using International paint) and to soften things down we added touchy feely rugs to provide a comfy play area. Harley was thrilled!

Finally, in Jo and Barrys room we took a real risk and painted the woodwork jet black and the walls softest taupe by Dulux.

Adding a massive padded headboard (made from MDF, foam and fabric) gave the room focus and soft carpet provided a veritable feast for the tootsies.

AFTER

FILMING

SO we and our marvellous if grumpy builders did it. And in just one week! And on this occasion we had a very contented set of homeowners. And to quote Jo and Barrry, This isnt about Changing Rooms, its about changing lives! Which was all we needed to hear.

GET THE LOOK

Bliss bed,

pounds 699, Silent Night (01282 813 051)

Suedette cube, pounds 75, John Lewis (08456 049 049)

Lack side table,

pounds 7.99, Ikea (0845 355 1141)

Retro bin, pounds 29.99, Sainsburys (0800 636 262)

Screen floor lamp, pounds 39.99, Argos (0870 600 2020)

How Not To Decorate appears on Five every Thursday at 8pm. A book of the same name is published by Time Warner Books, pounds 15.99

Copyright 2005 MGN LTD
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