INTERROGATION: PATRICK KIELTY: What dont I understand about women?

Why have you decided to do a stand-up tour? Patrick Kielty: Stand- up is like being in a bad relationship you can leave it for quite a long time, even though theres a lot of pain involved, then you suddenly find yourself back where you started. Its like a girlfriend you cant finish with. I last did stand-up six years ago, but its hard to shake off.

Are you nervous about it? PK: Im really excited, but excited in the sense that I will be crapping my pants when I go on stage. Its that zero/hero thing you have nobody to blame if it goes wrong, and if its a good show, you think youre Jesus Christ.

Will the show be all about you? PK: I will talk about what has been going on in the world and what has been going on with me the fact Im 34 and still single. But Im not turning my back on TV. I will be doing more telly in the New Year.

Ah, but wasnt Cat Deeley spotted coming out of your house early one morning recently? Is it true you two are dating? PK: Shes obviously my mistress. No, Im joking. Our friends gave us a right royal ribbing over that story, we were wetting ourselves laughing. I phoned Cat up when I saw it and said, Did you know were dating? She was like, What? Were just great pals, and that night wed happened to go out partying. We see each other all the time. In fact, Im seeing her at the weekend because her boyfriend will be DJing at a party.

There is no other special woman in your life then? Youve been single for over two years now

Would you like to settle down? PK: Definitely. You dont want to end up alone, and there comes an age where if youre in a club, drinking cocktails and chatting to girls, its not a good thing. You have to know your limitations. But having said that, this is me were talking about, and Im clearly not ready to settle down just yet.

Did you fancy any of the female contestants on Celebrity Love Island? PK: None of them were what I would be looking for. Dont get me wrong, there were some hot-looking women in there and a good mix of posh totty, glamour girls and bisexuals, but can you imagine walking home and going, Mum, this is Abi. F**king hell. The rosary beads would be on the floor, shed be like, Eh?

Jayne Middlemiss allegedly said she had the hots for you. PK: Shes only human. Clearly the heat had got to some people more than others.

Whats the truth behind your working relationship with Kelly Brook? Apparently you despised each other. PK: Oh, the whole Paddy hates Kelly, Kelly hates Paddy thing came from the fact the press were sh*tting themselves as they didnt find a story. Theyd been flown to Fiji and had to write something. Were friends, I was speaking to her the other day in fact. It wasnt the Eamonn and Anthea scenario people made out. It was interesting working with Kelly though. By that, I mean I didnt realise the amount of attention she would get there were bodyguards, paparazzi

Did you enjoy doing Love Island? PK: Oh my God, it was hilarious. It got to the point where I was so addicted to find out what the hell they had all got up to, Id rush into work each morning. It took them a week to settle into their environment and after that, it was like, God, did they really do that? A lot of the stuff went on the cutting-room floor.

Can you spill the beans? PK: If you have six men locked in a house for six weeks, theyre either going to shag or do something else lets just say a few of them were pitching tents at night without going camping.

Who was your favourite contestant? PK: From an entertainment point of view, Paul Danans top of the list.

You also hosted Fame Academy this year. Judge Richard Park seems to hate you. PK: Its great to share a stage with someone who is so TV-naive, he thinks youre shutting him up because you dont like him, as opposed to the fact you are shutting him up because you dont want to crash the news. It is a live programme after all. Dear oh dear.

He does seem to like venting his fury against you. PK: If he thinks the only way he can stay in the limelight and keep himself in work is by firing a few insults towards me, well, good luck to him.

If you werent in showbiz, what would you do? PK: Id be a landscape gardener. I did it one summer when I was 17 and I liked the fact I was working with my hands at swish houses with attractive women pottering about in the kitchen going, Oh, you have done a nice job.

If you could become anyone for a day, who would it be? PK: The woman from Limerick with six numbers and the bonus ball in the Euro lottery (Dolores McNamara, who recently won pounds 77 million). Work is very overrated. But I wouldnt like to be her for the day, Id like to be her for a week, so I could embezzle the funds to my account. I would never be able to work out how to transfer the money in a day.

Describe your perfect lost weekend. PK: I have it every other month when I head back to Ireland to walk the dogs and chill out with my family. It sounds very boring, but it does it for me.

What dont you understand about the opposite sex? PK: Everything. I am 34 and single where do you want the list to start?

When was the last time you were really drunk? PK: Friday night. It was my friend Bretts birthday and we went out in London. There was a little bit of alcohol poisoning and I woke up with a hangover the next day, having lost two hours of the evening. I had to call my friends to find out what had happened. Apparently I was OK and no embarrassing behaviour had taken place. But the fact Alzheimers has settled in is not looking good.

Have you ever stolen anything? PK: Yes I have now, what can I tell you? Weve all done the student traffic cone thing. I also got arrested 14 years ago with 95 other people in Ocean City, Maryland, in the US. We were in this bar and we all decided it would be great if we took our drinks and threw a party across the road on the beach. The bar manager did not appreciate it and I spent a night in jail with the 95 others. We were skinny-dipping when they arrested us, so the mug shots were, erm, quite interesting.

And finally, who is your ideal woman? PK: Its weird because 10 years ago I would have said somebody with big breasts. Now Im older and Ive moved on, you start looking for someone who understands you, who has a good career maybe, who is funny and who has big breasts.

For details about Patricks stand-up tour, which kicks off on 1 October, log on to www.ticketmaster.co.uk

PATRICKS REALITY CHECK

When was the last time you used public transport?

Im from Belfast and live in London. If you think Im getting on a tube or the bus with 30 years of experience of bombsIm sorry, I might be skint, but I am still getting a taxi.

Have you ever worn sunglasses indoors?

Only when the sun is shining indoors. (I am joking.)

Are you a beer or a wine man?

Wine man definitely. I love white wine, Sauvignon Blanc in particular.

Copyright 2005 MGN LTD
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.