Tom Brown: The House of Losers..

BORED with the brouhaha of THAT wedding already? Fed up with all the flummery, fiascos and foul-ups? Will you throw up at one more frozen-faced picture of cheerless Charley and Camel-driver whatsername?

Not me! I'm loving every messy minute of it. Can't get enough of the cock-ups, the constitutional contortions and the cringe- making awfulness of it all.

Don't be surprised. There's reason behind my apparent madness. This latest performance of the long-running shambolic farce that is the House of Windsor must surely have put paid to the nonsense of Monarchy. The marriage 'By Royal Disappointment' could be the last ludicrous act. Roll on the Republic!

Once upon a time there was a makey-uppy land called Ruritania, which became a byword for romantic muddle, courtly intrigue and gormless people with ridiculous titles, wearing comic-opera uniforms, dripping with medals and decorations they had never earned.

Incredibly, Ruritania really exists in the 21st Century - and we're living in it. But not for long, if the Royals continue to perform like this...

We're now getting a good look at them. It's fashionable to call it a soap opera, but it's worse than that - they're cartoon characters. The Queen (where's the 'Majesty"?) is a Grumpy Grudge- bearing Old Woman. Her son, a spoiled 56-year-old inadequate who needs a flunky to put his toothpaste on the brush for him, is waiting ...and waiting...and waiting...Soon to be joined in less- than-holy matrimony to a mistress who's past her sell-by date and is referred to by the Royal mother-in-law-to-be as "that wicked woman.

Somewhere in the background is the octogenarian OAP formerly known as Prince Philip who made a lifetime career of walking two paces behind with his hands in his pockets. And you can have your pick of the rest - playboys and girls, layabouts and all the hangers- on.

How do YOU feel about being "subjects" of that lot? The more Chazza and Camilla and their retinue of Munchkins pratfall their way to the wedding, the more likely the nation will say: Dump 'em in the dustbin of history!

Scots may shrug and say it's nothing much to do with us. We only have to put up with them when they come and patronise us a couple of times a year. Not so.

A few years ago - before the Diana tragedy which the public have still not forgotten nor forgiven - a poll showed that half the population of Scotland were anti-Royal, many more than the forelock- tuggers south of the Border. Now, I'll bet there's a majority in Scotland for scrapping monarchy.

The House of Windsor has become an embarrassment to us all and is damaging Britain's reputation in the world. Overseas, they're laughing at us; newspaper headlines ridicule us for being stuck in a past century; they regard us with derision for allowing ourselves to be "ruled" by these figures of fun.

Constitutionally, it's a pig's breakfast. Charley's Aunt (which was the name of another farce), Princess Margaret, was told if she contracted a civil marriage, she would have to renounce her rights as a Royal.

Is Charles prepared to renounce what he still seems to think is his "right" to become King? If he tries to have the Crown and Camilla in civil marriage, is it open to some mischief-making anti- monarchist to raise a court action to have him declared non-King? What fun!

As for religion, it's downright hypocritical. Did you know that after the wedding, the Church of England will say official prayers every Sunday for Camilla? In other words, they will bow their heads in respect for a woman they refuse to marry in their church!

So let's enjoy every humil- iating moment of it. On the wedding day, I'll declare a holiday in my Republican heart - because, the worse it gets, the closer we come to the Fall of the House of Windsor.

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