STAR COUPLES: FANTASY WIFE SWAP

Victoria Beckham swaps places with Karron Eubank

Why it might work: Chris Eubank and Victoria are both self- obsessed, deluded about their celebrity status and believe they are far cleverer than they are. They share a love of frankly ridiculous outfits, from Chris' dandy country squire get-ups to Vic's orange titfers, and can both witter on about themselves and their 'careers' for hours. Meanwhile mild-mannered Becks and long-suffering Karron will no doubt get on brilliantly. We suspect Karron might also be due for a break from her pugilist hubby after admitting she wouldn't bail Chris out after he was arrested for anti-war demonstrations at Downing Street.

Why it won't work: Chris and Victoria are both self-obsessed, deluded about their celebrity status and believe they are far cleverer than they are. Desperate to hog all the limelight, there could be some serious tensions over housework and looking after the kids. Chris: 'That's woman's work, my job is to be a man.' Victoria: 'Well, I'm an international star, and besides, David normally does it.'

Jade Goody swaps places with Gwyneth Paltrow

Why it might work: Jade and boyfriend Jeff Brazier have already signed up for Celebrity Wife Swap, so are obviously keen to get away from each other. And miserable ex-public school boy Chris Martin might chill boisterous Jade out. His teetotal health regime would ensure no 'kebab' moments (a la the BB drinking games) and he'll probably relish the chance to teach her about fair trade in Africa ('Where?').

Why it won't work: We suspect there's only so much of Gwynnie's 'I've got cellulite and am rubbish' whinging poor Jeff can take. Then there's all the macrobiotic meals he'll have to prepare, as Gwyneth can't cook. And once Chris' Professor Higgins and Jade Doolittle experiment is over, we fear her loudness, lack of geographical knowledge and worship of kebabs will get on Chris' wick.

Sharon Osbourne swaps places with David Furnish

Why it might work: Well, given Ozzy Osbourne's general vagueness, it would probably take him at least a week to realise Sharon's not around. After coping with Elton John's tantrums, David should find dealing with Ozzy a doddle - while Sharon and Elt would bond over their shared love of small, yappy dogs (remember, Elt is mates with Posh).

Why it won't work: We reckon swapping the Prince of Darkness for the nation's biggest queen would result in tantrum central - neither Elt nor Sharon are the type to back down in an argument. And for Elton, going from easy-going partner David to living with moaning brats Kelly and Jack would be a nightmare.

Madonna swaps places with Camilla Parker Bowles

Why it might work: This would fulfil all Madonna's country squire fantasies - she could go shooting at Balmoral and have a palace in London to lord it about in. And Prince Charles has always liked blondes. Camilla recently declared she wants a more 'rock star image', so will happily muck in and take Lourdes to Kabbalah with Guy Ritchie and learn ashtanga yoga.

Why it won't work: We could see control freak Madge getting frustrated with Charles' tendency to talk to the foliage instead of to her. She's used to being the centre of attention, and we suspect she would quickly tire of living in his shadow and being told what to do by 'the firm'. And no one wants to see Camilla do a sex book.

Heather Mills-McCartney swaps places with Cherie Blair

Why it might work: Heather will surely be thrilled to get to Number 10 and have the country's most powerful man in her hypnotic glare. And Tony Blair could find her a big help around the House - after all, this is a woman who's good at getting what she wants. Meanwhile, Cherie's showbiz aspirations - remember her spontaneous karaoke rendition of the Beatles hit When I'm 64? - are bound to put her in Sir Paul's good books. They could even release a Christmas duet together.

Why it won't work: Apart from the obvious hassles of life at Number 10 - 'When I asked you to spring-clean the cabinet, Heather, I meant dust it, not fire all my ministers!' - the PM might have another problem on his hands. Once in Tony's inner sanctum, ambitious Heather might not want to leave. And even though he lived with vegan hippy Linda for years, we think Paul may tire of 'quirky' Cherie's endless chanting and chakra cleansing.

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