Terry Butcher: Craigan can forget about a rise, all he'll get is an

STEVIE WONDER: Craigan ran rings around England's super stars, and earnt praise from club boss Butcher (inset)THE Weekly Mars Bar awards at Motherwell descended into chaos on Friday after the players tried to use the prestigious event to ridicule me.

Having tired of saying 'top of the morning to you guvnor' in the worst Irish accents I have ever had the misfortune to come across, they collaborated to rig the nominations.

Each week we vote in five different categories - the best player, the worst player, goal of the week, miss of the week and moaner of the week.

Tireless planning goes into the event including my monthly trip to the cash and carry to pick up a box of 48 Mars bars, which are given out individually as prizes for each category.

It turned into a farce from the opening award this week, when David Beckham won the Best Player award.

That was in response to my claims that his legs had gone, prompting headline writers to write 'Becks Attacks Sad Tel'.

In the interest of fair play I had to pull rank on my players and give the award to Stephen Craigan for his outstanding display against England.

When I mistakenly thought that common sense would prevail up comes the award for Miss of the Week which was awarded to my book, in the week it was officially launched.

I had considered giving everybody a free copy of my auto- biography but given their childish behaviour I'm giving serious thought to buying them all a copy of the Beano instead. I'm not one to make idol threats but unless the players give the awards the respect they deserve I'm going to cancel them, not to mention Christmas as well.

Naturally I have taken a great deal of stick on my return to Scotland from Northern Ireland. Anyone would have thought I was responsible for Sven Goran Eriksson's pathetic tactics on Wednesday night, when England suffered that horrific 1-0 defeat.

But as someone said, being English I am guilty through association.

Everything has conspired against me this week.

Going to the dentist would have been less painful than watching England.

And to make matters worse I have to come back facing a load of gloating Scots, who suddenly seem to think their lot are a match for Brazil, after they beat Norway and found a World Cup qualification lifeline.

But, let's be honest, Scotland are Scotland and their campaign is always destined to end in glorious failure!

But, on a more serious note, Walter Smith is doing a superb job as are his assistants Tommy Burns and Ally McCoist.

They are doing their country proud. I must admit that I was always surprised by Berti Vogts' appointment prior to Smith.

But it all made sense the other day when someone said to me the plan was never about qualifying for the World Cup it was all about what happened when we got there. The Scottish FA had the foresight to appoint someone who knew the host country inside out and knew exactly where to lay down the towels to annoy their rivals.

I cannot close my column without mentioning Stephen Craigan's performance against England.

As much as it pains me to say it, he was outstanding. A more dedicated professional you are unlikely to meet. He doesn't crave the limelight, just goes about his work and always gives you 110 percent.

Mind you I know he's earning 100 times less than Michael Owen and Becks.

However, he can forget about knocking on my door for a pay rise because we don't have any more money.

But I think I can push the boat out on this exceptional occasion and give him an extra Mars bar.

Oh and I just want to make one thing clear to my players. If anyone has thought about defacing the notice board with press cuttings for last week, forget it. If - no, when - I find out who it is, I will fine you a fortnight's wages.

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