Holidays: Win all the way on the dream boat

THERE'S a game we play at home, usually on Wednesday and Saturday evenings. It's called: "What would you do if you won the Lottery?"

The answers are usually the same: A new car (Helen would buy an estate with room for the family, I'd go for something sporting with just enough luggage space for my wallet).

A second home in the sun (Helen would like a rustic French farmhouse with a bubbling stream in the garden, I'd have a villa in Spain with a swimming pool big enough to park my boat).

There is just one thing we have always agreed on...no way would we waste any money on a cruise.

Who would want to spend their holiday-of-a-lifetime on a glorified ferry, surrounded by hundreds of people you don't like, with nothing to do except eat and drink all day long?

We have just returned from a cruise. And we still agree. There's no way we'd waste money on ONE cruise. We'd go on loads.

Cruising isn't cheap. But the service we got on P&O's Arcardia was as good as, if not better than, any top hotel.

We boarded at Southampton on a typically dull, grey day. But from the moment we stepped on board our spirits (all drink is cheap on board) began to lift.

Our room - or should I say cabin - had plenty of room. A walk-in wardrobe (Helen was delighted), enough drawers to keep our 18-month- old daughter Polly occupied when she wasn't playing with the TV remote control, and an en-suite shower-room (where I could escape to read the newspapers).

Before we knew it we were aweigh. Having experienced the Bay Of Biscay in a bad mood I wasn't looking forward all that much to the next few days. But after five too-many-courses-to-eat dinners, five full English breakfasts, four four-course lunches and one tea we arrived in Funchal, Madeira...and immediately set about looking for somewhere to eat. Not because we were hungry, but because our expanding stomachs needed it.

It wasn't difficult - the island's capital is great just to wander around - and there are lots of restaurants to choose from. After an enjoyable stroll along the prom, a foray into the market, and a fine lunch it was time to get back on board.

Ahead of us...the Atlantic. And, after six days, the Caribbean.

Now six days at sea may seem a long time, but there is plenty to do on board. Polly seemed perfectly content to spend the days in the children's pool, with the odd visit to Peter Pan's to watch the Teletubbies and play with the toys.

Helen had a look at the gym and considered line dancing classes, but dismissed both as "too energetic". The Mr Bumble modelling classes (popular among more mature passengers) sadly clashed with her morning snooze...between breakfast and lunch.

As for myself...I was quite content to sit on the edge of the children's pool, soaking up the sun and spending endless hours looking out for whales wondering what went wrong in the casino the night before.

The closer we got to the Caribbean, the hotter it got. First stop, the island of St Kitts. And, after a stroll around the capital and a couple of beers then off to the beach.

It's what the Caribbean is famous for. And we weren't disappointed at Turtle Beach.

White sand, clear blue sea and beach bar. But no turtles...Instead, and much more fun, were a colony of 50 monkeys so tame they take fruit from your hand.

Polly was captivated. And despite a couple of minor hiccups - a monkey twice stole bananas she'd been hoping to eat herself - we had a fantastic day.

After putting Polly to bed, we showered, changed and headed off to one of the bars for aperitifs.

Most things are free on board, except for your drinks, cigarettes and the beauty treatments on offer. A large gin and tonic costs under pounds 2. A packet of cigarettes pounds 1.70. A massage around pounds 45. We decided the first two were the better value.

On each of the islands we visited - St Kitts, Antigua, Grenada and St Lucia - there were optional excursions, which you pay extra for.

The tour manager advised us that they were not suitable for the very young, but friends we made on board who took advantage of the trips said they were great value...and great fun.

And so once in the Caribbean we settled into a daily routine.

Breakfast at eight and off the boat by 9am ready to begin our day's adventure. At first this involved a spot of sightseeing before heading for the beach. Don't miss English Harbour on Antigua, and the spice market in Grenada.

But by the time we got to St Lucia we skipped sightseeing and headed straight for the beach.

Lunch at Spinnaker's bar, next to the yacht club, was magnificent. The speciality was huge fresh lobster...what a treat, and so delicious.

The waitress did ask me "Are you sure?" as I ordered a third rum punch. But what the hell, we were on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Until next year...

VERDICT: Cruising's great for the young and old, and the Caribbean beaches are the best in the world.

FACT FILE

-ARCADIA'S winter 2000/2001 season in the Caribbean starts with a 13-night Calypso Isles cruise which sails from Southampton on October 29, 2000, for The Azores, St Kitts, Antigua and St Lucia.

Return flights are from Barbados to Gatwick or Manchester. Fares start from pounds 1,495 per person.

-A FURTHER 13 Caribbean fly-cruises are available on Arcadia until next May. The itineraries include three which feature partial transits of the Panama Canal.

-BOOKINGS: P&O Cruises 0990 726 726.

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