Happy marriage, then tragedy; how grief affects a marriage - includes related information on coping with grief

John and Mary were a happy young couple. Life was good. John earned a very respectable salary doing a job he loved. Mary worked in nursing when the bills demanded it. It wasn't much, but that was fine with her. Their two young daughters, Jenny, 5, and Suzie, 2, demanded a lot of attention, which Mary loved to lavish on them. She felt fulfilled by this fun responsibility, which she took seriously. Their American dream was complete--until one tragic day.

Leaving Suzie unattended in the bathtub, Mary busied herself for a few extra minutes in the kitchen. Suzie was old enough to bathe without being too closely supervised, or so Mary thought.

Her busy dinner preparations were rudely interrupted by a sudden chill. She realized that Suzie's singing and splashing had stopped. She ran to the bathroom to find her baby lying motionless in mere inches of water.

A scream.

Infant CPR (learned what seemed like eons ago).

A shriek--"Jenny, tell someone to call the ambulance!"

Emergency medical personnel gently pulling Mary away as they took over.

An agonizing ride to the hospital.

Somewhere, someone called John at work. Maybe she had done it, she couldn't remember.

Thirty minutes in the emergency room.

"I'm sorry. She never responded," the doctor intoned.

The American dream? "O God, please let this whole thing be just a dream."

What followed were weeks and months of numbness, then searing pain; denial, then stabbing reality; yearning, then debilitating depression.

In the midst of it all, a marriage, once strong, began to crumble.

People who have experienced the death of a loved one know what a life-altering experience it is. It may seem that such a tragedy would have the effect of pulling the family together, of making a marriage more cohesive. The evidence, in fact, points in the opposite direction.

The divorce rate for couples whose baby dies is 50 to 90 percent, many within the first year. Couples who lose older children and other family members are by no means immune.

Families often discover that problematic issues that were submerged, sometimes for years, surface following a loved one's death. These problems can cause long-lasting alienation in families, and divorces in marriages.

If a family member or parents is in some way implicated in a loved one's death, as was Mary, this can be greatly compounded.

John repeatedly told Mary he didn't blame her, and she tried to believe him. Her overwhelming guilt, however, left her feeling that John must surely blame her, even if he didn't say so.

They were both suddenly, tragically thrust into a position neither had ever been in before--that of needing support more than ever before, yet being less able to give it than ever before.

The seemingly unending pain created short tempers, thin skin, and heavy hearts. Irritants that before had been minor now became major. "I'm sorry's" were hard to come by. What can be done to prevent marital collapse or family estrangement when tragedy strikes?

First of all, it is important to recognize that grief is devastating, will last a long time, and will cause many problems.

If a couple realizes this at the outset, it may help keep them from questioning the validity of their marriage when difficulties aris during grief.

Second, it is essential to recognize that, though similarities do exist, each person in a family or marriage is unique and will manage grief in his or her own unique way. This means grieving for different lengths of time, expressing pain in different ways, reacting differently to the same stimuli. Therefore, it is important to allow enough space in the marriage to accommodate differences.

It is also crucial for couples not to drift too far apart, or to try to function with no support. Grief is an isolating experience. When mourning, people tend to withdraw from others, including their spouse.

Because of this, it is important to keep tabs on how each partner is doing. A couple must talk to each other. They must be careful not to assume that because they are no longer talking about the child/person who died, they are doing OK. The residual pain that builds up often keeps people from sharing. There is often the belief that "I should be over this by now." People then suffer in silence, and do not receive the support they need.

It is also true that people often need to go outside the marriage to get the needed support. Joining grief recovery groups, bereavement support groups, and/or individual or family therapy can all be very useful. The sooner people get involved, the greater the probability of avoiding long-term difficulties.

Spiritual issues often arise. Questions such as "Where was God?" and "Why did this happen to us?" can cause long-term difficulty if not faced and resolved. Speaking with a minister, rabbi, or priest might be of help.

Abundant grief literature is now available, covering every topic from helping children grieve to coming to terms with God. (see bos on page 20.)

Fortunately, John and Mary took advantage of many of these suggestions. For them, the most significant one was joining a grief recovery group soon after Suzie's death.

In spite of the life-changing impact of grief, a marriage can actually grow more solid if sorrow is faced with support, genuineness, and caring.

When each partner is current with and honest about his/her personal feelings while being accepting of the other, there is abundant hope.

COPYRIGHT 1991 Review and Herald Publishing Association
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group