www.ihatechristmas.com; Rich, fattening food. Liver failure. Useless

Just as Santa is revving up his sleigh on his way to town, (insightfully knowing whether you've been bad or good), ready to shower you with useless gifts, just pause for a moment. Do you really care? Because walking in a winter wonderland of is not all it's cracked up to be. It may be the season to be jolly, but most of us are just up to our eyes in debt, run off our feet and completely partied out.

Who needs another turkey-stuffed Christmas? Why not just escape it altogether - yes, far, far away from all that fun and laughter, love and joy. And excess.

This seldom-sounded fantasy of escape may just become a reality for more than a few tinsel-drenched souls this year. Bombarded recently with warnings over Scots' proliferating debt (we're the most debt-ridden individuals in Europe), binge drinking at its height thanks to happy hours and double measures, increasing numbers of heart attacks from stressful dysfunctional family get-togethers , it seems that ever more of us are looking for ways to avoid the exercise in excess that is our "traditional" Christmas. But just how easy is it to find an alternative to it all?

The answer lies in what psychologists call a "flight or fight" situation. Stay and resist the urge to indulge, or head for a distant planet where Christmas is unknown. If excess is bad, and we're constantly told throughout the year that it is, then this is the time to be positively, no-holds-barred wicked. The problem is that such self-indulgence (cleverly disguised as "having a good time") is quite a heavy load, actually. Even Starbucks has recognised the problem, offering "Christmas Support Zones" all over the city. (Why do we need support if Christmas is so full of fun? Exactly.) One "flight" response to the seasonal pressure to be extra bad/extra good is the most obvious - and the most literal. Run, walk, crawl on your hands and knees if necessary, so long as you get away. Head for those holiday villages, that apartment in Spain, trekking in Nepal, whatever takes you and your fancy far, far away. But as well as checking out the usual cheap flights to sunny destinations, which may simply result in a horribly surreal Christmas-turkey-on-the-beach affair, try some other options.

Retreats are possibly the least expensive, and perhaps most effective way to get-away-from-it-all, as leaving Christmas behind is just as much about your state of mind as it is about transportation to a far-away place. The Samye Ling Tibetan Centre ('Samye' means 'inconceivable place') in Eskdalemuir in Dumfriesshire, for instance, is offering a special meditation course this Christmas (just the thing to keep your mind off rising debt and rotting livers). The centre was founded in 1967 by two Tibetan abbots, the first Tibetan centre in the west, and it also runs humanitarian programmes for orphans in Tibet, India and Nepal.

Working with voluntary organisations may not take you to the other side of the world in search of escape, but they do represent another kind of "flight" and may also assuage your sense of extravagance-in- the-face-of-human-despair that tends to strike at this time of year. According to Una Gillan, senior officer at the Volunteer Centre in Glasgow, a lot of charities become involved with homeless people around Christmas and people tend to come in to their centre looking to help out. "I think Christmas and New Year is often a good time to recruit," she says. "It's partly to do with the end of the year - people are thinking about the year ahead, they're wanting to change things or put right things right that have gone wrong."

What, though, if "flight" options are simply too expensive, too time-consuming, or just too much damn effort? The only solution then is to "fight". Fighting Christmas doesn't seem like the warmest seasonal message in town (just think of all those Christmas anti- heroes: Scrooge, the Grinch, erm, Herod? That's about it. It's not good company). But it's an alternative that's surprisingly already pretty huge. The ever-increasing anti-capitalism movement, courtesy of Naomi Klein et al, just loves to hate the financial fest that threatens yearly to drown us all. The internet, home of all that is reasonable and just, and an excellent barometer of fledgling movements and changing times, is where you can find an assortment of Christmas alternatives from the angry to the just plain crazy.

Join the Mission Yuppie Eradication Project which holds an annual Buy Nothing Day, and recommends that you consolidate your anti- Christmas message to the world by shoplifting, cheating on bus and train fares, and ripping off anyone in authority. The Anarchist Christmas message? "Anything you see in any store - take it without paying. Go ahead. It should be yours."

For those who don't want to spend Christmas in jail (although perhaps that is another 'flight' option?), having a good old moan may suffice. Go on - you know you want to. Log on to Travis Geko's Anti- Xmas website for advice on how to avoid the Christmas blues (try to minimise the time you spend with people you don't like/do unChristmassy things like DIY, gardening or spring cleaning). Or join the Christmas Resistance group, commiserate with the poor author of www.IhatebloodyChristmas.com, who blames Prince Albert and Queen Victoria for "rich, fattening food and useless presents".

A safer, more legal, more mundane but altogether more realistic aspect to the "fight" option is at hand, however. Fight back against Christmas and help the environment at the same time! According to Catherine Wilson of "Keep Scotland Beautiful", the bin is your very last option. Reduce, re-use, recycle, she says. "Don't buy bin liners if you've got wheelie bins," she says, "and don't buy bags just to put other bags in them!"

You can recycle your Christmas tree (most councils will take them and shred them for you if you can't re-plant them), take your old Christmas cards to any Boots store which will recycle them for you, re-use wrapping paper, give any clothes and shoes replaced by Christmas presents to the Salvation Army, make your own Christmas cards. "There's just too much disposable stuff around at this time of year," Wilson says, "and it all ends up in landfill sites which are growing by the day. We are running out of space for the waste we produce, and it's becoming more expensive to deal with."

Should it be Christmas itself you wish to dispose of however, the recommendations (see sidebar, right) may be your only salvation. Sit back, pour out some bile, munch on some misery and whatever you do, don't enjoy yourselfu 20-point action plan for an alternative Christmas 1. Don't go near the TV. If you want visual entertainment watch old "summer" movies like Summer Holiday or National Lampoon's European Vacation.

2. Don't look out the window. Your eyes will be assaulted by a tasteless montage of tinsel, flashing lights and fluorescent Santas, enough to make Liberace sick.

3. Don't answer the telephone. People for whom you feel nothing will try to contact you on this "special" day. If possible, record your answerphone greeting by speaking through a hollow tube and laughing diabolically.

4. If you do come into contact with anyone throw them a quizzical look when they wish you Merry Christmas. Avoid eye contact with children at all costs.

5. Don't buy presents for anyone, unless it's their birthday (these people will be especially grateful as they are used to years of second-rate gifts from jaded shoppers). If you have to wrap, keep it plain and brown.

6. Keep plenty of alcohol in stock. This is not the time to go down to the pub for a quiet drink.

7. Try and order a pizza. You'll be amazed at how many places are open and can take extra pleasure in pestering demoralised staff with fake sympathetic questions ("how are you getting home tonight? what are you having for dinner?") 8. If things are a little slow in the afternoon, phone up random elderly people during the Queen's Speech.

9. Form an obscure religious cult and insist that Easter is the true Christmas (this could take planning, though).

10. Don't have children. Ever. Buy yourself a puppy and keep it.

11. Tell your local primary school that you want to dress up as Santa Claus for them then turn up as the Grinch.

12. Remind everyone of the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of the world's most destructive religion.

13. Remind everyone of last year's Channel 4 documentary exposing Santa as a womanising alcoholic who enjoyed wearing lingerie beneath his red robes.

14. Spend Christmas Eve in a busy restaurant, dining alone. Mentally separate sympathisers from sneerers and glower at both. Watch them argue about you.

15. Send blank cheques to relatives and see who has the nerve to fill them in. Then gossip to everyone else about them.

16. If you have to play Christmas music, make it Daddy Won't Be Home Again for Christmas by Merle Haggard, especially if orphans are present.

17. Befriend lonely people, then don't buy them presents.

18. Buy yourself lots of tacky gifts then take them back to the shops, saying they were unwanted.

19. Invite your neighbours round for mince pies, then feed them pies made with real mince.

20. Get abducted by aliens.

Copyright 2001
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