A snip in time's just fine ... when yet more sleepless nights

The dreaded cut is feared and widely misunderstood. Harry C Schumacher, believes its reputation is well-deserved, but there was some welcome after-care After three children, all boys, my wife and I decided to cut our losses. It was time for me to get a vasectomy. I can't say I was a lamb brought to the castration table. In fact, I was brought kicking and screaming.

At first, I dreamed up every excuse to forego the simple but undoubtedly uncomfortable operation. I remember sitting on the couch with my wife, Laura, as she read a magazine while we talked about it. This infuriated me. How could she read Cosmo and talk about cutting my nuts?

She looked up from her magazine with an expression of amusement. "It's not the end of the world. It's a simple procedure. It's easier than having another child."

"I'm philosophically against it," I said lamely. "High interest rates aren't what's slowing down our economy. Vasectomies are. Think of all the unconceived consumers not being given a chance to get conceived." She returned to her article. I kept on. "What if vasectomies had been common in the old days and Mozart had never been born? Or Proust?" There'd be more trees if Proust hadn't been born." This was her idea of literary humour. I'd be damned if I'd let an issue as serious as my genitalia get belittled by ironic Gen-X literary humour.

I can't say it has been all bad. The worst part, by far, was the injections. Not one injection, but two, in the most unlikely place. It was painful. Sticking any sharp object against the balls is painful, but doing it twice is torture. Of course, after the scrotum numbs, the rest is gravy.

I was surprised how ill-informed my male friends were about the procedure. "Won't you be less, you know, manly?" This from an otherwise educated and urbane fellow. "Actually, testosterone levels go up after a vasectomy," I explained as a nanny would to a child. "But nothing comes out, right? I mean, it takes some of the spark out of it if you just puff a little air out." "Actually," I said in the same knowing tone, "sperm and semen come from different areas, and only the sperm tube is cut, leaving the semen intact." "Oh."

Someone even asked if this operation would make me a castrato. A castrato? They weren't cutting off my balls, they were just severing two little tubes. This isn't 15th century Spain. The main thing, of course, is that I won't have any more babies. This is a good thing. I love my three boys, but if I have to go through any more nappy changing and waking up 18 times a night, I'll drown myself.

Another thing: the doctor explained I will have to ejaculate 15 to 20 times after the operation before the semen will be free of sperm. I told my wife I have only a month to get this done, and that she must help, for even the most depraved masturbators can't get it done alone in 20 working days - or so I told her.

Copyright 2001
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