Wedding with a bit of difference

Newspapers across the country are taking flak from readers who object to coverage of gay and lesbian issues. The Spokesman-Review is no exception.

Recent coverage of faith observance by local gays and lesbians generated angry letters quoting scriptural support of intolerance. A decision to include announcements of same-sex unions prompted at least one reader to cancel her subscription. Coverage of Gay Pride Day events was met with accusations of a nationwide agenda to force Americans to adopt the politically correct "flavor of the month" - societal acceptance of homosexuality.

It saddens me that celebration of love for one's God, one's self or one another would be deemed unworthy of coverage by some. But it angers me that there are those who will insist on their self- righteous bigotry, arrogant in their ignorance. Sometimes it's difficult for me to accept that societal evolution is a slow process. But occasionally I receive reminders that our world does grow and change.

Last weekend I attended the commitment ceremony of two men I love and admire.

As weddings go, it was surprisingly traditional. The bridesmaids were elegant in their flowing gowns; summer flowers spilled from beautiful bouquets. Prayers were intoned. Tears were shed. In fact, the only discernible difference between this ceremony and my own wedding was the awareness of every person in attendance that he or she was witness to a rare and loving act of courage.

A typical wedding will see a mix of family and friends, co- workers and obligatory business acquaintances. But our friends did not have the luxury of falling back on tradition. This is not an event to which one can invite Great Aunt Millicent without thoughtful consideration. Gay and lesbian couples must debate the wisdom of including those with whom they share worship and those whose offense may affect their careers. As I looked around the room at the faces of those who made the cut, I felt honored to be included.

The white-robed minister pulled no punches. He welcomed us and acknowledged that those who "like the world just the way it is" may be challenged by this event. And he unapologetically invited us to take on that challenge. Then he gently suggested that those who are sometimes frustrated by our world may find this evening a comfort.

A soloist sang "Ave Maria." A reader recited a love poem. Another reminded us that - as a gay man - he had always understood that the words "love," "honor" and "cherish" would never apply to him, that a life of shared commitment was intrinsically unavailable to him. His words stunned me - I can scarcely imagine a life in which I could not endeavor to love and be loved. Is this not the cornerstone of human longing?

For every furious homophobe or sanctimonious pundit there is someone like me who can't fathom the vilification of those whose life's journey follows a different - and more difficult - path. What possible benefit do we gain from shunning a segment of society, dividing families, labeling men and women with hateful titles? It is forever my challenge to rein in my temper, to encourage acceptance and to debate its merit with measured words. Too many times, I fail and my message becomes mired in the same bitterness and fury that stifles my opponents.

Months ago I had the pleasure of meeting the parents of one of the grooms, a couple who embody the spirit of partnership and commitment. His father admitted to me that he had not always been so accepting of his son. For years his only knowledge of homosexuality was the occasional comic character in a movie. He supposed that homosexuality was a big-city thing or a Hollywood joke. Certainly, no one he knew was gay.

When his son came out to him this man had no perspective whatsoever, no basis for understanding and for a time, he became lost in his confusion and shame. Slowly, he came to the realization that he could either learn to accept his child or lose him forever. And he made the painful choice that so many parents refuse to consider - he opened his mind and heart, and stepped forward into a new world.

Now, his other son stands nervously before the crowd of well- wishers, a glass of champagne in one hand, a microphone in the other. He leans forward and says, "I've been waiting for 38 years to be the best man at my brother's wedding." The assembled family of friends breaks into spontaneous applause, shouting approval. He faces his brother's partner and announces, simply, "And now I have a new brother."

I have been sorely challenged, these last weeks, to seek out the perfect gift for two people whose taste far surpasses my own. I now realize the insignificance of my quest. For I am the recipient of their timely gift - a reminder that to every thing there is a season. They welcomed me to participate in an occasion of joy with no expression of rancor for the society that rejects them - a celebration with no agenda but love.

For this, gentlemen, I thank you.

Copyright 2001 Cowles Publishing Company
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