Give sorrow words - Parents of Murdered Children

It never ends. It just keeps going on--the investigation and trial, appeals, probation hearings, the grieving and the pain of losing a child to murder are prolonged and intensified."

Years after her daughter's death by murder, the intensity of a mother's emotion remains evident in Connie's voice. "Somehow it seems different than a death because of disease or accident. It is so difficult to put it behind you. Friends expect grieving to be finished within a few weeks, but the process is only beginning. It may take years for the wounds to heal."

Homicide is the third-leading cause of death in young people aged 15 to 34 years, claiming 12,000 lives annually. The single group at greatest risk is young Black males, for whom homicide is the leading cause of death. Almost unbelievably, nearly 1,000 children aged 1 to 14 years are murdered each year.

Facing the death of a loved one is never easy. When murder occurs--premature, unexpected, violent death--the anger, pain, and grief are compounded by the crushing realization that another person intentionally took the life of someone precious.

Adding to the family's trauma are the publicity surrounding the tragedy and the necessity of cooperating with the criminal justice system. When the crime goes unsolved or justice is otherwise compromised, the emotional burden is increased.

Family tension. According to the Society of Compassionate Friends, "an astounding 70 percent of marriages where children have died become endangered and end in divorce." Some experts feel the figure is even higher. The tension of a family tragedy often causes the marital cords to fray. Ordinary family disagreements are transformed into tensions of greater than usual magnitude. Communication becomes difficult, and even socializing with friends becomes awkward. The result can mean loneliness and isolation, compounded by devastating bereavement. Siblings often experience anger or guilt and may be frightened about changes occurring in the home.

Even the most religious of families may find their faith threatened by the murder of a child. Questions regarding life and death, punishment and retribution, justice and mercy, and God's role in suffering demand answers. Ministers are often unprepared to deal effectively with the hard questions when the atmosphere is clouded by emotion. Well-meaning but poorly supported platitudes are offered in the place of solid spiritual understanding. The result is profound disappointment in religion and anger toward God.

Parent organization formed. More than half of all murders are committed by relatives, friends, or acquaintances. In 1978 Lisa Hullinger, an attractive 19-year-old girl with an engaging smile, was bludgeoned to death by her ex-boyfriend. Besieged by their grief, Lisa's mother, a legal secretary, and her father, a Lutheran minister, contacted two other sets of parents who had experienced a similar tragedy and invited them to come over for a meeting. "It began out of our personal need," Charlotte Hullinger says, "not out of any altruistic motives. From it developed the realization that most people don't have any idea of what it's like to have a child murdered."

Thus was born Parents of Murdered Children (POMC), an organization based on the idea that grief must be shared. POMC now has 38,000 members with 98 organized chapters in 45 states, and sponsors a wide range of activities to support the families of murder victims.

The stated mission of POMC is fivefold:

1. To support persons who survive the violent death of someone close as they seek to recover.

2. To provide contact with similarly bereaved persons and establish self-help groups that meet regularly.

3. To provide information about the grieving process and the criminal justice system as they pertain to survivors of a homicide victim.

4. To communicate with professionals in the helping fields about the problems faced by those surviving a homicide victim.

5. To increase society's awareness of these problems.

The organization is made up of local support groups of individuals and families who have been bereaved by the murder of a child, family member, or loved one. The goal of each support group is to offer emotional support and practical information about surviving the loss. POMC's motto, "Give Sorrow Words," is put into practice as members help one another by sharing experiences, feelings, and insights.

But POMC programs transcend the local level. The national organization, headquartered in Cincinnati, Ohio, sponsors a national conference; publishes a regular newsletter; provides a telephone counseling service; sponsors educational programs for clergy, legal professionals, and the general public; and has committees that address relevant issues and help carry out the organization's objectives.

The national conference, attracting several hundred participants annually, is held in cities across the United States. Now in its sixth year, the conference features lectures, workshops, social events, and a memorial service commemorating the lost loved ones of conference participants.

Survivors, the POMC newsletter, features the stories of victims and their families, updates the status of perpetrators with regard to judicial hearings and potential parole, and reports on the activities of POMC committees. Two such committees are the Notification Committee, addressing the notification of family members once a homicide has occurred; and the Path Through Justice System Committee, addressing the challenge of working effectively with the criminal justice system.

The Truth in Sentencing program informs members about the possible parole or early release of convicted murderers. This program has been successful in ensuring that at least minimum sentences are served and in protecting society from further victimization by possible repeat offenders.

Parents of Murdered Children is a tax-exempt organization under Section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue code and depends largely upon private donations to cover operational expenses. For further information, contact:

Parents of Murdered Children 100 East 8th Street, B-41 Cincinnati, Ohio 45202 513-721-5683

"Once the funeral is over, most people forget about the survivors," Connie relates, "and that is the time when they need love and understanding the most. What I want to do is let them know that there is someone who understands what they are going through."

Simply stated, that is the goal of Parents of Murdered Children.

COPYRIGHT 1993 Review and Herald Publishing Association
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group