Marry the one who improves you

Pastors, pundits and politicians have launched a movement to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Word on the street is that marriage is becoming an endangered species, the victim of rampant divorce and declining moral values.

Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has declared a "marital emergency" in his state, which stands at the top of the list for divorce in America. Sharing the honor, neighboring Gov. Frank Keating created the Oklahoma Marriage Policy in an effort to cut divorces by one third.

Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, authors of "The Case for Marriage," fear that marriage is becoming "optional." In their view, the current divorce rate is a sign of a sick society. They call for the abolishment of no-fault divorce and urge us to socially ostracize unmarried couples. They want government and media to promote "a positive view of marriage." (Just say I do?)

Judith Wallerstein's "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" cites her 25-year study to demonstrate that children of divorce are less likely to marry and unlikely to succeed at it when they do. Her methodology has been criticized but the now-grown children of divorce remember the fear, the shame of having to admit to schoolmates that Dad lives somewhere else. The conclusion Wallerstein draws from her study is that parents whose marriages suffer from "infidelity, depression, sexual boredom, loneliness and rejection" should "seriously consider staying together for the sake of children."

I've come to a different conclusion. Let's stop demonizing divorce.

What does society gain from blaming adults and shaming children when a family cannot remain intact? Divorce happens. It happens a lot and for a lot of different reasons. People make poor choices, they mature and change - sometimes they change so much that they can no longer enjoy a life with the same partner. Some divorces happen for the best of reasons - abuse or addiction or toxic incompatibility. The children of those divorces often welcome the split.

Unlike Wallerstein, I have a hard time imagining that children raised in a house haunted by depressed, betrayed and rejected parents are learning to become loving, supportive partners. Isn't it our job to model healthy relationships?

Which brings me to Laura Doyle, author of "The Surrendered Wife." Some years ago Doyle noticed that her husband just couldn't seem to do anything right. We've all been there. It's hard to live with someone who doesn't hang the toilet paper in the same direction you do. To stifle her annoyance (and her tongue) Doyle chose to surrender her will for the sake of her marriage. She urges wives to practice saying, "Whatever you think" until it starts to sound like we mean it.

"Whatever you think, dear." She's serious.

Laura Doyle scares me. But she's just hitching her wagon to the latent star of blessed unions - the idyllic marriage of yesteryear. As Maria Russo of Salon.com writes, "Too bad it never existed." Russo cites a series of new offerings on the subject: Hendrick Hartog's "Man and Wife in America," Nancy Cott's "Public Vows" and Marilyn Yalom's "A History of the Wife." These are historical studies, not self-help books. And they illustrate that divorce is not only as old as the hills, it's just about as common. Russo says, "The truth is that marriage has always been a shaky, contested, unreliable institution, and we're kidding ourselves that it was ever any other way."

Don't get me wrong. I like marriage. Especially mine. But that's because I like my husband and he likes me.

When this 42-year-old bachelor was agonizing over whether to marry me he asked his friends why people get married. For the most part, the men had little advice. The women cited inane platitudes. When he finally stated his reason for choosing to marry me, "I think it will be a good opportunity for growth," his female friends were horrified. How unromantic!

I beg to differ. Jack Nicholson said it to Helen Hunt in the movie "As Good As It Gets." You make me wanna be a better man.

The only way to effectively reduce the number of divorces is to increase the number of happy marriages. Here's what I wish my parents had known to teach me:

Love is not a good enough reason to get married. You can expect to have a series of profound relationships in your life. Each one will teach you something. None of them will be a failure.

Don't be afraid to correct your mistakes. When you blow it - at school, at work, in life or in love - own up to your choices and address them with honor. Even when it's scary and painful.

Most importantly, marry the person whose love improves you.

Last Tuesday my husband and I watched a rerun of the sitcom, "Titus." We laughed as the unadventurous Erin leaped off a bridge to challenge Christopher's addiction to extreme sport. Instead, she discovered her own love for the adrenaline rush. He gazed at her in awed admiration and offered the ultimate compliment. "You're cool."

She replied, just as awed, "You make me cool."

And my husband and I simultaneously reached for one another's hand.

This is as good as it gets.

Copyright 2001 Cowles Publishing Company
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