STAR LIVES: CELEBRITY LOVE MATCH

THE LONELY HEART CELEB

What our website ad said about them

TARA P-T

Crazy lady, 30s, long brown hair and limbs, seeks understanding soulmate. 'Must appreciate my zany GSOH (kangaroo impressions a speciality), and support my shopping addiction and regular outbreaks of jungle fever. I've been hurt before, but I always bounce back - just treat me like a princess and I'll introduce you to all the princes I know. I'll be your tall macchiato coffee - rich, skinny and very frothy.'

THEIR LOVE MATCH

Who the

computer chose for them

MICHAEL

Single, straight, college education, moderate income, black hair, brown eyes, light drinker

Interests

Pop and classical music, the arts, dancing, animals, restaurants, pubs/clubs, reading, travelling, sports

What

they said about themselves

'I hope I am seen as friendly, funny, warm and sincere. I'm looking for someone I can have fun with, from a few drinks to a nice meal to general chilling out. I like to travel, so am after someone who's keen to explore the world. I work nights so they would need to understand the hours I work, but mainly I'm looking for someone to have lots of laughs with.'

M CELEBS' VERDICT

4/5

Perfect, especially the travel bit - and Tara could party while he works nights.

THE LONELY HEART CELEB

What our website ad said about them

TOM CRUISE

Lost that lovin' feeling? I'll be your knight with shining teeth - come polish them for me, as we cruise the highway of love.

'No redheads or brunettes need apply. I don't mind what you look like, as long as you're under 5ft 3in. So if you too believe the world is run by an alien overlord, hated Moulin Rouge, and seek your very own Top Gun, then come fly with me.'

THEIR LOVE MATCH

Who the

computer chose for them

JODIE

Recently separated, university-educated, blonde, slim build, moderate drinker, two children

Interests

Pop music, movies, dancing, DIY/crafts, restaurants, reading, keep- fit, sports

What

they said about themselves

'Good-looking woman (no longer a girl). Said to look like TPT! Keen to get back out there and find the real me again. Looking for friendship, fun and anything else that may come my way.'

M CELEBS' VERDICT

2/5

Fun might be a problem for workaholic Tom, though she does like movies.

THE LONELY HEART CELEB

What our website ad said about them

PENLOPE CRUZ

Very beautiful Spanish doll, loving her newfound freedom, now seeks new owner. 'I love the clothes of Ralph Lauren, European art films, and lovely red dresses to wear at parties. I am learning to play a little bit of mandolin. I seek a lover who is tall and has no ex-wife. I like to say, "Adios novio viejo! Hola novio nuevo!" ("Goodbye old boyfriend! Hello new boyfriend!") He is perhaps you?'

THEIR LOVE MATCH

Who the

computer chose for them

JOHN

Single, affectionate, GSOH, passionate, shy, dark hair, average build

Interests

Reading, socialising, listening to music, walking, clubbing/ discos

What

they said about themselves

'I'm a very understanding and 100% person who is very caring indeed. I'm seeking someone the same. I'd like to meet a pretty lady, but she must have a personality to go with it. If you like the sound of me, or are interested in finding out more about me, please drop me a line, thank you.'

M CELEBS' VERDICT

3/5

They have broken English in common, though '100% person' is worrying.

THE LONELY HEART CELEB

What our website ad said about them

HUGH GRANT

Charming, solvent ex-public school boy, very well-spoken but slight stammer.

'I'm not looking for marriage - I've been to far too many weddings - but I am rather keen on love, actually. I will treat you with the utmost respect, although I do have a divinely wild side. Applicants must accept my very close relationship with my ex, and be prepared to wear big knickers on demand.'

THEIR LOVE MATCH

Who the

computer chose for them

KAREN

Single, no kids, blonde, blue-eyed, slim, non-smoker

Interests

Jazz music, movies, theatre, dancing, animals, the arts, DIY/ crafts, restaurants, pubs/clubs, reading, keep-fit

What

they said about themselves

'I'm very happy being me, but am ready to spend time with someone I really like - I just haven't found him yet! I love the arts, theatre and music, and love to laugh - there's nothing better than a bottle of wine and fantastic conversation with a witty man.'

M CELEBS' VERDICT

5/5

Ideal - arty, fun, and likes witty men. Now if she'll just go for the big pants...

THE LONELY HEART CELEB

What our website ad said about them

COLIN FARRELL

Wild Irish rover, melting brown eyes, doesn't believe in bathing too often, seeks any woman for longer than a night.

'I've got the gift of the gab, so they say, and I love a good craic with a crate o' Guinness and a couple of lap dancers. But deep down, I'm just a little boy lost looking for love and understanding. It'd be particularly grand if that understanding included my attraction to other women and my hefty bar bills.'

THEIR LOVE MATCH

Who the

computer chose for them

KATERINA

Slim, Latin looks,

attractive, practical, GSOH

Interests

Listening to music, walking, dancing, cooking, gardening, swimming.

What

they said about themselves

'I search for the one man who will surround me with care and love - is it you? I search only for serious relationships, and you? I appreciate honesty and sincerity very much. I think a serious mutual relationship is possible only with full trust. Do you think the same? I am waiting for your answer with impatience.'

M CELEBS' VERDICT

0/5

No chance, love. We're beginning to think this computer has a virus.

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