Behind closed doors

A recent report said domestic violence had reached "crisis point" with one in four women being attacked. The Government is updating the law to help victims but is it enough? Here, one of those who has suffered bravely speaks out ...

MELANIE Rawding, 33, a mother of three children, was abused for nearly five years by her ex-husband, who is in the Navy. She says: I MET my ex-husband Ronnie in Plymouth in April 1997. There was an instant attraction. He was charming, good-looking and a generally nice bloke. We could talk for hours.

He was 22 at the time. We started dating, going to the cinema, days out, with no problems at all. All was going really well and that August I found out I was pregnant.

I already had a daughter from my first marriage. After a whirlwind romance, Ronnie and I got married in November 1997 and moved into married quarters. I didn't know I was starting off in an abusive relationship - I didn't really know until he was arrested five years later. I never had any idea of what an abusive relationship was.

He waited until I was in his clutches and then pushed my confidence down. He was even moody with me on our wedding day and from the first Christmas, the abuse grew. I was hardly allowed out, even for shopping.

I wasn't allowed a mobile phone or to use the home phone. If my friends phoned he'd say they were my lesbian lovers. I was told I couldn't do things on my own and every decision I made I would be in trouble for. I started to believe what he told me, that I needed him to make any decision. I became a prisoner in my own home.

When our son was born, my husband's abuse got worse. He said the meals I cooked were rubbish and threw them on the floor or at me. He gradually brainwashed me. I couldn't make a cup of tea right for him. He soon had me believing I was going mad. He would pin me against the wall, even when I was pregnant with our second baby that next year. He was so strong, I couldn't move. I'm 5ft 6in and he's 6ft 1in, four stone heavier than me and very athletic.

Even if he wasn't actually violent he always used the threat of violence.

But although things were bad I kept thinking we could sort them out. Ronnie made everyone laugh and was an outward-going person whom everyone loved.

It was nice to be associated with him when he was like that. He drank, but he wasn't a drunk. His abuse wasn't really when he was drunk.

I haven't had many serious relationships and never had any relationships-where I've been abused. I didn't grow up with violence; I had a normal upbringing.

Dad was a horticultural lecturer who retrained disabled people and my mum was a dressmaker. Both are retired now in Exeter. They were the only ones allowed to visit me.

He was charming to them, but when they went he always accused me of saying or doing something wrong, and always had a go at me.

Mum knew not to rile him. No matter how much she wanted to do something, she knew if she did it would make it worse for me.

She warned me he was going to hit me before he did. Ronnie had a brother, Rick, and he started warning me about Ronnie's temper.

He'd even been threatening to his parents. Everyone knew what he was like - they said he was charming, but when he got in a temper they realised it was wise to leave him alone.

While I didn't like the way he spoke to me, I just thought it was part of life. I didn't leave him because I was in love and wanted our marriage to work. He constantly told me he loved me, sometimes 20 times or more in a day.

If I didn't say back that I loved him, he'd get stroppy. He said he was going to toughen me up. He'd punch my arm and say he was playfighting, but it damn well hurt.

Then, in May 2002, he started being really threatening. I was frightened and told him I was going to call the police. He said: "There'll be nothing left of you for the police to find."

As I bent down to get the phone, he stamped on it and that's pretty much the last thing I remember. When I came round, my daughter was saying: "Mummy, mummy, you've broken your nose."

He'd punched me and I'd fallen face first and was lying in a puddle of blood. He was on the phone telling the police that I'd hit him - he wanted to claim self-defence.

He'd blackened my face, my nose was numb and I had a bruise the shape of his foot from where he'd stamped on my back. He mopped up the blood with a tea towel, which he then threw at me saying that the police wouldn't believe me so I may as well clean myself up.

When the police arrived they took photos of my injuries, and called an ambulance. He was arrested and ordered to stay away.

When I got out of hospital the police domestic violence unit gave me the number for the Refuge charity in Plymouth and I called them. By now I felt drained, empty and numb.

There was nothing left of me. The bruises went, but it's been harder to heal emotionally.

At Refuge, I had free weekly onetoone counselling for 12 months. My counsellor helped me to realise that my husband had a choice when he'd abused me, that it wasn't my fault.

She helped me get my self-esteem back. I would recommend anyone who is abused to go. It felt safe there.

Refuge put me in touch with a fantastic solicitor. In court, my husband was found guilty, but got a conditional discharge. I was in fear of him even when he'd gone. At night I made sure the house was properly locked up and I was told the military police would be keeping an eye on me to make sure I was safe.

I'm learning who I am again. I've got a new boyfriend, an engineer called Andy. It's a happy, loving relationship, but when I first met him I kept saying sorry for everything I did.

An abusive relationship is a hard cycle to break because you don't realise that you've been brainwashed. The first punch might be the one you forgive them for, but the second punch might be the one that kills you.

WHAT TO DO AND WHO TO CALL IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED LISA KING of Refuge says: "Refuge is a national charity for women and children who experience domestic violence. We provide emergency accommodation and emotional and practical support via our 24-hour national domestic- violence helpline and would urge women experiencing domestic violence to contact us."

If you are suffering domestic violence, here are some helpful pointers: Recognise you are being abused. The abuse will not go away.

Get help and advice. Talk to someone you can trust or a domestic violence organisation about your situation.

Do not accept other people's negative judgments.

Respect yourself and build your selfesteem.

Plan for your safety. Find out your rights.

Keep a copy of your passport, bank cards and money in a safe place, a small packed suitcase, and the number of a refuge or a place you can stay - in case you need to leave in a hurry.

Don't panic. Take your time and don't be pressurised to make important decisions.

Start to regain your life by developing your own interests, making new friends. By breaking your isolation you will start to build your self-esteem.

Above all - do not blame yourself for the abuse.

If you think you know someone who might be experiencing domestic violence, talk to them. Don't ignore it - tell that person that they are not alone, there is help and that they do not need to feel ashamed. And remember you don't need to be beaten to call Refuge.

Refuge is the UK's largest organisation of its kind, helping and supporting 80,000 women a year. The 24-hour national domestic violence helpline is on 0808 2000 247; www.refuge.org.uk The Government has promised a major overhaul of domestic-violence legislation. A Domestic Violence, Crimes and Victims Bill is currently being debated in Parliament. The final amendments to the Bill are likely by the summer.

The Bill is proposing to strengthen protection for victims by making common assault an arrestable offence. This means that the police will have the power to arrest an individual on suspicion of assault and or battery without an arrest warrant.

It will also make the breach of a nonmolestation order a criminal offence, carrying a maximum five-year prison sentence.

This means that if a court issues an order to make a violent partner stay away, he or she will face conviction and possible incarceration if the order is broken.

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