THEATRE

Totally Practically Naked in My Room on a Wednesday Night Tristan Bates, WC2 Bottle Universe Bush, W12

OR, Totally Practically Stripped of Hope in a Theatre on a Wednesday Night.

From the outset of this lurid farrago, in which we find our hero, Dylan, masturbating frantically into a sock, one isn't expecting Merchant Ivory.

Even if John Gielgud's niece is in it.

She plays a "cool" mum who gets stuck under her son's bed as he explores the nether regions of adolescence, which involves getting totally practically naked and totally playing with himself while totally watching porn. With his friend. There's the rub. Who ever did that? Anyway, the dilemma is whether to shag foxy Trudi or hunky Vince.

As Vince points out, in a rare moment of gnomic clarity: "Kids of today have too many options."

Otherwise, Vince is a moron who somehow fails to realise Dylan has designs on his posterior when he stands behind him totally practically naked with olive oil in one hand and condoms in the other. Joel Dommett as Dylan must be mentioned for taking his part in hand.

But he cannot save a play whose best line is "I don't want a chafed labia."

Charm is equally abundant in Bottle Universe, in which Cock Dave (Mikey North), another truculent delinquent, consistently calls his paramour "bastard face". No wonder she keeps trying to top herself.

Luckily, she sticks around, because Lauren (Jessica Harris) is poised glory next to verminous, scuttling Dave.

. Tristan Bates: 020 7240 6283. Bush: 020 7610 4224.

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