Ask Cap'n Drew

Dear Readers:

Last month marked the fifth year since I began writing Ask Cap'n Drew. I thought that in the spirit of the anniversary, I would run some of my favorite top 10 lists.

Here's one that came to me while I was strolling through the New York Boat Show a long time ago: Things You Won't Hear From Brokers at the Boat Show:

1. "It's free."

2. "This one here is known as the Yugo of boats."

3. "Sure, hop on. Feel free to push all of the buttons."

4. "Sir, perhaps you should look at something a little less expensive. We wouldn't want you to over-extend yourself."

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

5. "Of course it's uncomfortable, Sir. ALL boat beds are uncomfortable."

6. "Don't sign anything now. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

7. "Why don't you have your kids hop up and have a look at it?"

8. "Sir, after seeing you and your wife, I'd like to recommend the trim tab option."

9. "The truth is--they ALL break down constantly."

10. "I once saw a kid bounce out of one of these and fly a full 60 feet."

Much of the following actually happened to me: Ten Sure Ways to Annoy the Skipper:

1. Pull down his shorts while he maneuvers through rough water.

2. Pour water on his seat whenever he stands up.

3. Say, "Roger, roger" every time he uses the VHF radio.

4. Stand up and block his view whenever he looks over his shoulder to see behind the boat.

5. Look overboard and yell, "Oh my God!"

6. Leave the water running in the sinks every time you use them.

7. Tuck a newspaper under your arm and walk into the head.

8. Play Jingle Bells on the air horn.

9. Tell him that if you had a boat, it would be much bigger than his.

10. No matter how fast he's going, tell him to slow down.

I swear that I'm going to publish some of these books one day: Cap'n Drew's Children's Boating Books:

1. Frosty Tries Some Summer Boating

2. It's Not The Boat That Upsets Daddy--It's You

3. Sharks: They're Big and Everywhere

4. Captain Hook Comes Out of The Closet

5. ALL of The Water is Over Your Head

6. Winnie The Pooh Gets Stuck in The Porthole of a Sinking Cruise Liner

7. Imagine If We Sank?

8. Pirates--They're Bigger Than Daddy

9. If You Can't See Land, It Probably Sank

10. Mommy Loves The Boat More Than You

This next one could be my favorite top 10 of all. I often use these lines to embarass my wife in front of her guests: Ten Boating Phrases That Sound Dirty, But Really Aren't:

1. "You really should see his Johnson."

2. "She'll always bring you home."

3. "I'm having a party down below."

4. "She just let fly."

5. "Pull this."

6. "She gives a pretty bumpy ride."

7. "Reach underneath and see what you feel."

8. "She rides great when she lays down flat."

9. "I think there's a problem with my lower unit."

10. "She's holding a lot of water lately."

Copyright[c] 2005 Drew Brown

Cap'n Drew Brown is the author of the boating humor book "What's A Hoy? A Guide to Modern Boating." E-mail him at capn@capndrew.com.

BY CAP'N DREW BROWN

COPYRIGHT 2006 Boat Owners Association
COPYRIGHT 2006 Gale Group