When he's gotta have it - three women share their experiences with an unfaithful partner

WHEN HE'S GOTTA HAVE IT

LESLEY

WHEN TWO PEOPLE FEEL TRAPPED "When I was growing up, my mother conveyed the sense that there was some struggle involved in living with a man. But she also let me know that things were resolvable," says Lesley, 31, a banker from Atlanta.

"My husband, Lewis, and I were childhood sweethearts. We both went away to different colleges and had an on-and-off relationship. Although he had another girlfriend in college, I didn't consider that as infidelity because we had agreed to see other people. By our junior year we were back together. Lewis dropped out of school, and I graduated. We worked in separate states but were still going together and talking about marriage.

"Then I got pregnant. I told Lewis that he didn't have to marry me, that I could have the baby alone. But we got married in 1984, and he moved to Atlanta and found a job. My husband took care of our child a lot, particularly when I had to travel out of town, which I did frequently. Sometimes I'd be gone for as long as a week.

"I outearn my husband by about $20,000. Sometimes I think it's very frustrating for men when their wives are financially capable of making it on their own. I don't put pressure on Lewis, but I've encouraged him to take classes toward his degree.

About two years ago I began to notice some unexplained absences on his part. He always had an excuse, and I believed him. Then Lewis disappeared for two days. He was supposed to be at a party, but when I called there he hadn't shown up. When he came back home, I confronted him and asked where he'd been. That's when he admitted he was in love with a woman he'd met on his job eight months before. I told him I loved him, but that he'd have to make a decision.

"We sought counseling from an older Black man for a few sessions, long enough to vent our frustrations. I believe the affair has been over for almost two years, although my husband never said, `I'll never see her again.' I still don't trust him 100 percent. I admit I took him for granted, but if he were unfaithful again I'd see it as a pattern and probably walk out." DR. BOYD-FRANKLIN RESPONDS Often an affair is a signal that there is a serious lack of communication in a relationship. If problems can't be talked through, they lead to deep-seated resentments, which can be acted out in an affair.

Lesley's marriage illustrates the ways in which mutual ambivalence about intimacy and commitment can lead to unclarity. This is seen in the on-again, off-again nature of their relationship prior to marriage. They married because of Lesley's pregnancy. Often pregnancy is used unconsciously by ambivalent couples as a way of getting beyond an impasse. The problem with this resolution is that both parties often feel trapped. In this case both escaped: Lesley through her work and related travel, and Lewis through the affair. Because they couldn't talk about their pain, they grew farther apart.

Lesley and Lewis need to set aside regular time to communicate and express their feelings. For ten minutes each person should say everything she or he feels. Each should speak from the perspective of "I feel" rather than "you did." Blaming resolves nothing. Often a woman in Lesley's position has to take a stand and risk losing her relationship by insisting on counseling. In such instances, if a husband won't go, the wife should go for herself. If they go together, Lesley and Lewis must be careful not to stop therapy before they've finished their work. I recommend that Lesley read Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy by Frank Pittman (Norton). In addition, she should try looking to her spiritually to find strength. Faith is very therapeutic.

DOROTHY

I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ENOUGH

"My mother was 21 when I was born; my father was 63," says Dorothy, 42, a computer programmer from Philadelphia. "I was the fat middle child, and I always felt neglected. I remember that when my sister graduated from junior high school, she got new clothes. When I graduated, I got secondhand clothes.

"In 1963, when I was 15, I had a girlfriend I'd visit. Darnell was her boyfriend, and when the three of us were together I noticed that he kept looking at me. Darnell was raised in the projects as an only child of a single mother. Although my parents looked down on `project kids,' I found him very exciting because he was so popular. I was flattered that he liked me. Eventually he broke up with my friend, and we started going together.

"He wanted sex, and I wasn't ready for it, so I quit him. When I turned 17 we got back together, and within eight months we were intimate. He treated me like a queen. He took me to the movies and to the shore. He bought me things, and I felt special when I was with him. We started talking about getting married, even though Darnell had been in and out of juvenile detention since he was a kid and was sent to jail for outstanding tickets during the time we were going together.

"Right after I graduated from high school, I discovered that I was pregnant. My parents wanted me to get an abortion, but I wanted something of my own. Darnell insisted that we get married, and when he told me that he'd always take care of me, I was thrilled. My eighteenth birthday was also my wedding day.

"In the beginning of our marriage, Darnell was working as a fry cook at a local college, and I stayed home with our son. We lived with his mother. I noticed that my mother-in-law and my husband argued all the time. He seemed really angry with her. Later he told me that when he was growing up she worked two jobs and constantly left him with neighbors. Then Darnell lost his job and began hanging out with a lot of guys. When I got pregnant for the second time, he began running around with women. As dumb as I was back then, I felt I deserved his infidelity. I didn't think I was good enough for him.

"After my daughter was born, I found a job, and soon I was the only one working. I concentrated on my children and my job. Darnell constantly called me a stupid bitch, and he was also physically abusive. He told me that no other man would ever want me because I was so fat and ugly. I didn't have any friends because I feared that they would interfere with my marriage.

"Then Darnell was caught stealing cars and was sent to prison for two years. While he was away, I hired a baby-sitter to watch my kids while I worked. When Darnell came home, he and the baby-sitter had an affair. When I questioned him, he told me what I was experiencing was the way love was supposed to be. And I told myself that he really loved me. When I asked my mother for advice, she would say, `At least you have someone. If he left you, you'd be alone or get somebody worse.'

"Darnell and I were together for 24 years, and he had affairs with other women throughout the marriage. He had a serious relationship with a woman who would call him in the middle of the night. When I'd answer, she'd demand to speak with him and curse me out if I didn't put him on the phone. I left several times, but he always wooed me back by telling me that he'd change. I'd always return because I believed him, and I guess because I was afraid to be without him.

"Last year Darnell told me to get out, and I left. I've been on my own for a year, and I now know that I need to learn to care about myself. I don't want to divorce him because I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to live with him."

DR. BOYD-FRANKLIN RESPONDS

Darnell's infidelity was a way to demean women; he is a classic woman hater. Dorothy stayed with her husband because she believed that she had no value. Instead of taking care of herself, Dorothy felt sorry for Darnell and made excuses for him because he was an abused child. She believed that her love could change him. Their relationship replicated Dorothy's own childhood insecurities: She had very low self-esteem and felt unworthy. The intergenerational message from her mother - that any man is better than no man - supported her negative self-image. She desperately craved the attention Darnell gave her in the beginning of the relationship and was hooked on the memory of the good times, even though they had ended long ago. In addition, she was terrified of physical abuse, so she didn't raise issues. What felt bad got entangled with what felt good. For Dorothy, love and pain are very mixed up. She has to have both to feel complete.

Dorothy should be praised for leaving Darnell, but she will need a lot of support to keep from going back. I recommend that she join a codependent or a women-who-love-too-much group immediately. She can call Alcoholics Anonymous for the name of such a group. If there isn't an AA in her city, she can write or call AA World Service, P.O. Box 459, Grand Central Station, New York, N.Y. 10163; (212) 686-1100. I would also suggest individual counseling for her.

Dorothy and other women in her situation should know that their children are likely to repeat their patterns. Dorothy's son has a high chance of becoming an unfaithful and abusive mate, and her daughter may repeat her mother's role as victim. If Dorothy succeeds in learning to care about herself and in staying away from Darnell, she betters her and her children's chances for happiness. Every day Dorothy should affirm "I am fully worthy of love."

TERESA LOVING TOO MUCH "When I think about it, I guess I always knew that men played around," says Teresa, 26, a single public-relations specialist from San Francisco. "My father was unfaithful to my mom, and she divorced him because of it. My father has been very rejecting of me and at one time didn't speak to me or send my mother child support for three years.

"Randy and I first met in 1984, when we were in college. I noticed then that he had pictures of a woman on his wall, but I didn't say anything about them. I did ask him if he was in a serious relationship, and he told me no.

"During summer break I went to Europe, and I wrote to Randy. I got back that fall and thought I'd surprise him with a visit. When I went to his dorm, the girl in the picture was there from out of town. I was shocked and humiliated, and I went home. He called me the next day, but I refused to see him. Then I began to miss him.

"We started seeing each other again, and the relationship became sexual. He told me that he had broken up with the other girl. We said `I love you' to each other. Several times when I was at his dorm, the phone rang late at night. Once I answered it, and the woman from the picture was on the phone. She told me, `Tell him it's his girlfriend.' Another time the `girlfriend' showed up at Randy's dorm and started crying in front of us. I rationalized that Randy didn't want to break up with her because she was so fragile. We continued to see each other.

"Then Randy began to see another girl. We broke up over her and stayed apart for three or four months. We got back together for a year and a half, but I just didn't trust him. Finally we broke up for good two years ago. I had to move and change my telephone number to make him stop calling me.

"Ever since I broke up with Randy, I'll meet someone and date him for a couple of months; then the relationship will fade because of my lack of interest. I dated a lawyer for five months. He wined and dined me and sent flowers. I found him suffocating.

"I know Randy's not worthy of my love, and I'm really angry with him. But it's hard for me not to have strong feelings for him." DR. BOYD-FRANKLIN RESPONDS Infidelity was a pattern in Teresa's family. Her father had affairs throughout her parents' marriage, which led to their divorce. Teresa is replicating a pattern she learned by watching her parents. She is repeating her mother's penchant for obsessive relationships by choosing a man who is unfaithful and as rejecting and emotionally unavailable as her father. She then tries to change the man through her love.

Teresa's relationship involved a lot of denial. She chose to place the blame on the "other" woman rather than address the weakness in the man.

Both Randy and Teresa were ambivalent about commitment. Teresa can see that in Randy, but not in herself. Like many women, she became hooked on the intensity of momentary strong feelings, rather than on the intimacy of a solid long-term relationship.

Obsessive relationships are characterized by this roller-coaster attraction, and many reflect a pursuer-distancer involvement: When she pulls away or distances, he pursues; when he pulls away, she becomes more involved emotionally. This is an emotional hook for Teresa, who admits that when someone, like the lawyer, is attentive to her, she feels overwhelmed.

Teresa's unexpressed anger continues to contaminate her life and other relationships. Teresa needs to explore and analyze her own family patterns. It would be helpful for her to talk with her mother about her experiences with men. That way she could get a real sense of what went on in her own developmental years. When she speaks with her mother, she should then become more aware of the patterns in her own relationships, acknowledge them and work on changing them. Teresa must begin to question whether she is passing over men because she doesn't feel "chemistry," or whether that "chemistry" feeling is just part of a familiar and destructive motif. Because of her experiences with her father, she grew up expecting men to be rejecting and unfaithful. Sometimes people recreate the same painful situation again and again with the hope of changing the outcome.

A support group of other women can often help with letting an obsessive relationship go. Teresa might benefit from reading Women Who Love Too Much and Letters From Women Who Love Too Much, both by Robin Norwood (Pocket Books), Love and Addiction by Stanton Peele and Archie Brodsky (Taplinger) and How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove (Leo Press).

COPYRIGHT 1990 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group