The control factor - control in relationships; case studies of women who always need to be in charge - Cover Story

Pat and Steve have been married for more than ten years, and during most of that time Pat has handled the couple's finances, planned their social calendar and, in general, mapped out their lives, while Steve has tacitly gone along with the program. Ask Pat to describe herself, and the 40-year-old lawyer says that she's efficient, organized and directed. Only recently has she learned that her husband has another word for her.

Last year Pat and Steve took a dream vacation to West Africa. True to form, Pat, who had structured their getaway from soup to nuts, took it upon herself to come up with a daily itinerary. As usual Steve cooperated, but he did have one small request: He wanted to visit a healer. But with all the "things to do" that Pat had planned, time slipped away and his wish wasn't fulfilled.

"Steve really exploded," says a bewildered Pat. It soon became obvious to her that Steve was enraged about much more than the trip. "He told me he was tired of my controlling everything." And the irony was that Miss Organized, Miss Efficient, misdirected Pat was tired, too.

The desire to control is a natural one. The will and ability to act upon our environment, to influence those around us, are what make us human. But there are many times when being in control is really being out of control, when the person who's running the show and the person being run are both miserable. To the world, Steve and Pat had everything, but a closer look revealed a husband who felt he was a subordinate in his own marriage and a wife who was worn to a frazzle from being HSIC (Head Sister In Charge).

Sure, in every relationship, whether it's a marriage, a friendship, or a relationship between co-workers or between parents and children, there are areas where one leads and the other follows. That's healthy. But when a person must be in control constantly to feel secure, when she spends an inordinate amount of energy trying to direct the lives of others and holding on to the reins of power, she needs to examine what in her past may be fueling her need to always be in control.

"Control is a technique used to protect ourselves from pain associated with unmet dependency needs from childhoods that were less than perfect," says Betty Smith, a licensed clinical social worker from Los Angeles. "The truth is when a person is controlling, she's numbing the pain that she's afraid to feel."

"But I get things done," says the boss who tells her subordinates exactly what to do and never leaves any room for their creative input. "If it weren't for me, this marriage would crumble," declares the wife who is exhausted from tracking her womanizing husband, a Ph.D. with credentials from Doberman (woof woof) U. "But my kid really needs me," asserts the mother who is trying to tell her 35-year-old child whom to date. How can such seemingly noble sacrifice be about fear born of childhood deprivation?

Take a closer look. The boss is afraid that her co-workers will find out that she doesn't know her ass from her elbow. After all, her father always called her stupid. Mrs. Detective is scared to death she'll wind up alone--and didn't Grandma say that a piece of man is better than no man? Meddling Mama is fearful that her child will succeed where she has failed and abandon her, just as her parents did. Controllers may think they're being altruistic, but the truth is, often they're just plain scared.

Many feel that the urge to control is the particular domain of women, especially mothers. American culture is rife with images of the strong-willed Jewish mother, the Mama Mia who dominates as she ladles out spaghetti, the in-charge Black matriarch and, of course, the wily seductress of any race who cracks a sexual whip and renders her man powerless. Unfortunately, women who do have a need to be at the helm in their relationships with others usually discover that their controlling ways work to their own detriment. "Women have to realize that anytime they put all their energy into controlling someone or something, they are the ones being controlled," says Anne Ashmore-Hudson, Ph.D., a psychologist based in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts, who specializes in relationship issues. "The ideal goal is to strive for self-control."

Pat, Sharon, Erica and Diane are four women who, anxious to shed their controlling ways, agreed to tell their stories to ESSENCE. Ashmore-Hudson and Smith reviewed them and offered strategies that may prove helpful to others.

PAT: Writing the Script for Two Lives

Pat didn't just happen to be a controller; she was carefully groomed for the role. Growing up in a middle-class family with professional parents, she describes her mother as "strong-willed," a euphemism for Attila Mae the Hunnette. "When my brothers and sisters come home for the holidays, Mom will demand our presence at a restaurant and then hand my father the bill. She wants to be able to say that I belong to her organization, so she pays my dues, even though she knows I don't want to belong to her club. Years ago when I first got my 'fro, my mother pulled every trick in the book to get me to straighten my hair. Now, when I send my daughters to visit for the summer and specifically request that she not put a perm in their hair, my mother does it anyway. She has to have her way."

Like a lot of us, Pat has inherited her mother's controlling ways, and that's been an issue in her marriage to Steve. "For a long while, I ran my family just the way I saw my mother running hers. The issue came to a head when we were in Africa, but really, Steve and I have both been suffering from my need to control for a while. To tell the truth, I'm exhausted from running the show," she admits.

Therapist Smith responds: "Pat's problems began with a mother who may have been more damaging than Pat realized. Her mother sees her children, including Pat, as an extension of herself. She's trying to imprint on her children, and even her granddaughters, her sense of perfection; she tries to shine through them. When a child has to be perfect to please Mama, it breeds insecurity, because kids realize that perfection is unattainable. At its most extreme the child grows up wondering if Mom loves her.

"Pat came away from her childhood with an image of wife as controller. She began directing her husband in order to fulfill what she saw as a natural role, but the problem is that she has become more like a mother than a wife. Over the years Steve's resentment has been growing. Meanwhile Pat has taught him how to treat her, how not to take charge of their finances, how to leave all the work for her to do. So now, when she discovers that she's exhausted, she doesn't have a mate prepared to share the load.

"Pat needs to redefine her needs and goals and communicate these to her husband. She's going to have to be patient with him, because he's not trained to help out. She might benefit from therapy to get in touch with her underlying feelings of insecurity and her need to control. She should read The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Barriers That Keep You Unhappy by Beverly Engel [Lowell House]."

Believe it or not, we can unlearn what Mama taught us. (After all, how long did we heed her advice to keep our panties up and our skirts down?) If we're exhibiting our mother's controlling behavior, we may be saying: "I can handle everything. I don't need help. I want to do this myself." It's time to find another role model, to pattern ourselves after a laid-back aunt, a boss who knows how to delegate. "Like mother, like daughter" doesn't have to be the rule.

SHARON: Trying to Control Her Man

Sharon, 22, is willowy and pretty enough to be a model. This mother of a year-old daughter who's a part-time student doesn't have time to embark on a career, however. She doesn't have time for anything other than attempting to make Stan, her daughter's father and her live-in lover, conform to her ideal of a more responsible dad and partner.

"I want him to spend more time with our daughter and me, although I have to admit I don't exactly trust him with her," says Sharon. "I'm always criticizing the way he takes care of her and telling him what to do. I guess I control his behavior with our child."

Sharon, one of seven children, grew up with a mother who married three times, and she never saw much of her own father. Sharon declares that she saw her mother controlled by three irresponsible men and doesn't want to emulate her. She believes that she can "make" Stan responsible by imposing a comprehensive "things to do" list on his life. Yet so far she has been frustrated in her attempts to change him.

"I get upset because Stan doesn't cooperate," she says. "I want him to go back to school and stop hanging out with his single male friends. When he gets ready to go out, I become silent, then I'll say, 'Why don't you stay home?' He'll respond with, 'If you didn't argue so much, I'd stay home more.' Sometimes I'll withhold sex in an attempt to make him do what I want. I have a girlfriend who is constantly telling me that I can do better than Stan and that I need to leave him, but I don't see how my daughter and I can make it on $700 a month."

Ashmore-Hudson responds: "Sharon doesn't understand that you can't get in control of your life by trying to control other people--you only gain control of your life by controlling yourself. She seems to believe that her happiness comes from the behavior of others, so she tries to control Stan's behavior, which is actually an easier way out of a difficult situation than controlling her own. Sharon must first learn to focus on her own needs and desires by asking herself What do I really want in my life? Does she want a career or marriage and a family? Or both? Does she want to make this relationship work? As it is now, her personal goals appear scattered and unfocused: a part-time student, a mother, a woman trying to manipulate her man into doing what she wants. Such behavior is only likely to produce resentment.

"Her boyfriend, Stan, has obviously not bought into being married, and for Sharon to try to control him by withholding sex only leads to anger from him and pushes him away from her. If she wants to try to make their relationship work, she needs to build a community of support for herself and him. She could find other young couples who are responsible people and socialize with them. That way, instead of saying 'Don't go out' to Stan, she can say, 'Let's do this with these people.' Sharon also needs to build supports with a positive-thinking church. I would advise her to read Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie [Hazelden].

"Aretha posed the question: Who's zooming whom? When we spend 25 hours a day scheming up ways to keep our man in check, we're the ones in bondage. A lot of women are like Sharon, putting themselves in emotional jeopardy in exchange for what they believe is economic security. Instead of depending upon an irresponsible person to supplement their income, Sharon and many sisters would be better off exchanging the lover they're obsessed with controlling for a roommate who can come up with her share of the rent."

ERICA: Control as a Way of Life

"I control as much as I can," says Erica, 40, a social worker. "I'm a workaholic, and anything I do is done intensely." By her own admission, she seeks to be in charge of her man, her job and her daughter.

Erica grew up being physically abused by her alcoholic stepfather. When she and her four brothers were abused, her passive mother refused to intervene. An academically gifted child, Erica would escape to the attic and bury herself in books while chaos ruled in her home. At 20 she married her college professor, a man seven years older than she who made all the decisions in their marriage. The marriage lasted for seven years, until she received her Ph.D. and began to form her own opinions. Having gone from an out-of-control childhood to a marriage where she was totally controlled, Erica now wants to be in charge of everything.

Control is an issue in Erica's relationship with her current live-in lover, a man she describes as "less educated than I." In the past she would "pout, stop cooking, withhold affection and nag" in order to get him not to go out at night without her. She is especially fearful that he may leave her for another woman and because of that fear tries to direct his comings and goings. "I always expect to be dumped," she admits.

Erica also attempts to rule her 21-year-old daughter, a college student. "She's passive, the way I used to be," says Erica. "I control her academic life in every manipulative way I can. I've convinced her that she ought to become a journalist, which is something I wanted to do, although I have her best interests at heart. I feel this is what she wants to be. I tell her what scholarships to apply for and what sorority to join. She always does what I say and has never complained, but I'm expecting an explosion one day. She's told me that she wants to live in Washington, D.C., and become a White House reporter. I don't like that. If she told me she wanted to remain there, I'd nag and manipulate until I got her to change her mind, even though I might not win."

Ashmore-Hudson responds: "Erica has some powerful healing to do in terms of her childhood. By joining a group for adult children of alcoholics, she can come to grips with her need to control. She would benefit from reading the books Treating Adult Children of Alcoholics: A Developmental Perspective by Stephanie Brown [Wiley Publishers] and Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw [Health Communications]. Erica must focus on the kind of person she wants to be. She needs to deal with her controlling as though it were an addiction. She may need a support group to learn moderation and probably would benefit from a 12-step program that deals with obsessive behaviors.

"Erica and her lover sound like a parent and child. She needs to make peace with herself and probably end the relationship."

Smith also comments: "Erica has a fear of intimacy and being hurt. Rather than connect with her child and lover, she commands them. Erica is being controlled by her fear of being alone. She is living vicariously through her daughter; she wants her daughter to get for her the attention she never received as a child. If she's not careful, she'll make her daughter believe that she has to win her mother's love and approval through absolute obedience. Her daughter won't have an identity, and rage will grow.

"Erica needs to read The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel. When she finds herself wanting to control, she must teach herself to: (1) step back; (2) wait; (3) think things through; (4) feel; and then (5) take action. This exercise teaches people to feel tolerance for others while going beyond fear. It allows others to take responsibility. The reason controllers react so quickly is that they fear rejection from those who won't meet their needs."

When we find ourselves trying to run our children's lives, it's usually an indication that our own lives need fixing. Mother may know best, but the best mothers know when they should step aside and allow their children the autonomy they need to thrive and grow. And when we are "waiting to be dumped," like Erica, we need to investigate ways in which we can begin to repair our damaged self-esteem.

DIANE: Afraid to Roll With

the Punches

Diane's childhood was like something out of a Charles Dickens horror tale. After her parents divorced, she and her brother were placed in a foster home, where they were mistreated. While they were in the foster home, Diane's maternal grandmother, whom she loved dearly, committed suicide, and her mother, had a mental breakdown. Later her mother reclaimed Diane and her brother, but living with her mother through three remarriages and a steady economic decline left its scars. "Because of the way I grew up, I feel the need to control my world," Diane now says.

Diane admits that her take-charge nature often causes conflicts on her job in public relations and in her relationship. "I'm a perfectionist. If I plan a conference, I envision what I want from start to finish. I'm counting on things to happen in a certain way, and any deviation is upsetting. Once I planned an event and the hotel changed the facilities. I got enraged. When things don't go my way, I can't sleep. My mood and tone of voice are affected. I don't know how to roll with the punches."

Diane brings that same sense of control into her relationship. "My fiance calls me a benevolent tyrant. We are now planning our wedding, which I'm paying for. Whenever we went to check out hotels for the reception, I immediately took over. I told the manager exactly what I wanted, just as if I were planning a conference. I didn't let my fiance say a word, and he was very upset. I want to decorate our condo the way I want to. I want him to put dishes in my cupboard the way I say. I want to say what goes into our closets. I know I have a problem."

Smith responds: "Diane's greatest fear is of being totally out of control, like her mother and grandmother. Deep down she's afraid she's going to commit suicide or break down. She's very angry with her mother, but she's afraid to face her because she's afraid of losing control. She needs to confront her mother and tell her all the pain she has caused her to feel. This confrontation doesn't have to be face-to-face: She can write a letter and not even mail it. If she doesn't deal with her anger, it will go inward and cause depression. Whether or not she knows it, she's still trying to seek her mother's approval and love by being perfect and having 'everything under control.' She may have to recognize that her mother is unable to give her what she needs, that she'll have to give it to herself. Diane's relationship sounds promising, but if she continues to run everything, she may render her fiance too dependent and he'll stop doing. She should also do the same exercise I suggested for Erica."

Whether we take charge because of the imprinting of an imperfect childhood or because we are convinced of our own divinity, when controlling gets to be an obsession, it's time to just let go. Just let go. Let go of what we're hanging on to so tightly that it hurts--and grab hold of ourselves.

Bebe Moore Campbell is a contributing writer for ESSENCE.

COPYRIGHT 1991 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group