Finding the faith: here's how seven women found peace, joy and the courage to endure

The year was 1980. At 3:30 one morning I was sitting in my bed, so scared I was unable to sleep. I was afraid of being alone, I had separated from my husband only days before, and in the wee ours of that long, sleepless night, my depression had gotten the best of me. I desperately wanted to be brave and strong enough to make it on my own and take care of my 3-year-old child, asleep in the next room. But I wasn't strong or brave and in the midst of my insomnia I saw myself clearly: No man. No job. Bills to pay. A child to raise, It seemed as though life was just one big hole about to swallow me alive. I was, as the old folks say, standing in the need of prayer.

Although I didn't go to church or even pray regularly, I reacted instinctively. "Oh, God, please help me stop being afraid," I heard myself saying. I don't know how long I communed with the Lord that night, but I do know this: My prayers, weren't answered, at least not immediately. But the next night I got on my knees again, and gradually, as the weeks and months passed, the fear inside me began to subside.

That sleepless night so long ago was one of many times I have felt a need for God to intervene in my life. My spiritual needs have intensified with time. I know I am not alone.

Even though we express our faith in many different ways, most of us feel a desire to link with our Creator. At times we embrace our faith because it fills our souls with beauty and celebration and provides us with the rituals of our lives, sometimes we reach out to a higher power simply because we need help getting through the long night. Whatever role we choose for religion to play in our lives, our worship defines us. In these pages, seven women with different beliefs testify about why they've come this far by faith. Patrice Gaines-Carter, 43, journalist, Baptist: As a young adult growing up in Charlotte, North Carolina, Patrice remembers how sisters with wide-brimmed feather hats used to shake with the holy spirit when the preacher in her Baptist church started shouting. But the beliefs of her church - that Jesus Christ is the savior of the world and that only those old enough to declare their belief in him should do so by baptism - were unimportant to her at that time. "I liked the activities that the church provided," Patrice says with a smile, "but I don't remember religious faith sustaining me."

So she backslid. After high school, she stopped going to church and ran the streets like a prodigal daughter instead. By her mid-twenties, Patrice was a heroin abuser and in jail for drug possession. Upon her release, she visited different churches, none of them Baptist, mostly to expose her young daughter to religion. But she didn't feel fulfilled by any of them. "I started searching for a personal relationship with the Lord on my own by praying, meditating and reading about religion," she says, "and I continued to visit different churches."

By the time she was in her thirties, Patrice realized that her solitary Bible study didn't satisfy her spiritual needs. With her teenage daughter in tow, she visited a noisy, "spirit-filled" Baptist church, and suddenly she felt at home. "I realized that the music and the celebratory spirit of the Baptist church give me strength. I can actively participate in what's happening by responding any way I choose. I feel very connected to all African people when I'm in church.

"The ritual of a black Baptist minister preaching the gospel is sustaining to me. I like the cadence of the preacher's voice; it excites me. I can get a message that will help me get through my problems. When I was younger I used to think that God hated me because I was bad. My church has taught me that God is love."

Tina Lifford, thirtyish, actress, Science of Mind practitioner: Tina recalls that when she was a little girl walking down the street she would move closer to the curb to make room for God to walk beside her. "I was a very spiritual child," the tall, elegant actress says, with a serious nod of her head. "I always wanted to know God."

Tina says that her departure from the Methodist church of her childhood and her embrace of solitary Buddhism, meditation, Bible study and finally Science of Mind were all part of a divinely inspired search. "My religion takes God out of the heavens and places him in the center of our being. Science of Mind says that Jesus Christ wasn't the great exception, but the great example. I embraced this belief system because with it comes a sense of personal responsibility and empowerment. It teaches us that the world is in divine order, that all our needs will be met when we respond to the very tangible presence of God within us," says Tina, as her eyes flash with the fervor she feels. "I find it very empowering to get in touch with the God within me."

Early each morning, the actress meditates for about an hour, a practice that she says connects her with the presence that is her personal definition of God. "We start our Sunday service with 20 minutes of silence to invite God's presence to the forefront of our consciousness. Through meditation I learn to trust the divine order of the universe and God's plan for my life. "

Barbara Dumetz, 45, photographer, Buddhist: A tall woman with a friendly smile and easy laugh, Barbara Dumetz seems relaxed and natural as she bounces her year-old son, Toussaint, on her bed. She has a healthy child, a happy marriage and a successful career, things she once only dreamed about. She credits Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism with filling her life with blessings.

The form of Buddhism that Barbara follows declares that everyone is connected to the same life force. The faithful believe. that chanting Nam myoho renge kyo puts them in harmony with the forces of the universe. The Buddhist emphasis is on elevating the life condition, and members are taught that what they think, say and do leads to events that shape their existence.

Barbara wasn't born a Buddhist. As a child growing up in Detroit, she occasionally attended an Episcopal church, more to be with her friends than for the spirituality. "When I was younger, I never really understood the concept of Jesus being divine; I just went along with it," she says.

For most of her twenties, Barbara had no religious life. But when she found herself embroiled in a troubled marriage and an unsatisfying career, she realized that she needed a spiritual connection. "I wanted to be happy and successful and I felt that having divine guidance would help me. I knew that there must be something inside me that needed to be tapped that would help me to win in life," she says.

After living in Los Angeles for a few years, she accompanied a friend to a Buddhist meeting one night; she felt at home instantly. "When I heard the people chanting, I thought, This is what I've been looking for. Without knowing anything about the religion, I felt the urge to participate."

Barbara says that her faith has brought her a new sense of enlightenment that has had an impact on her daily life. "It's empowering to know that there is cause and effect, because it makes me more conscious of my thoughts and words. I've begun to realize that I am the reason for my problems."

Chanting uplifts Barbara, who says that the act allows her to depend upon her connection to the universe for strength. "Somehow when I'm chanting, everything comes out, my truest, deepest feelings," she says softly. "I chanted for the right man to marry, a house with a mortgage payment that I wanted. My husband and I chanted that we could conceive a baby by my forty-third birthday and that it would be a boy. That's my way of praying every morning and evening for about 20 or 30 minutes. Whatever is inside me I can let go of."

Halima Toure, 49, English teacher, Islam: "I think that I was spiritually dead for about ten years," says Halima Toure, a stately woman who exudes dignity and grace. "During my college years I discovered agnosticism. Later I became caught up in my career. During my first marriage, my husband and I were too busy being buppies to go to church. After my divorce, A felt a spiritual vacuum. I began to ask myself, Why can I here?

Halima says that her second husband, a Sunni Muslim, piqued her interest in Islam, a faith based on the teachings of the prophet Muhammad, as outlined in the religion's holy book, the Koran. Followers of Islam believe in the absolute unity and power of God, the creator of the whole universe. A Muslim's chief duties are called the Five Pillars of Islam and include recognizing God as the ultimate power; praying five times a day; tithing; fasting during the holy month of Ramadan; and making at least one pilgrimage to Mecca, the birthplace of Muhammad.

"When I discovered Islam, I was very moved," says, Halima. "I loved the focus on family and the interconnectedness of all things. My religious perspective permeates all facets of my life. The Five Pillars of Islam give me strength. The foundation of Islamic belief, the first pillar, states that there is no God but God. Knowing that helps me to put all my problems into perspective."

Halima declares that fasting from dawn to sundown during Ramadan has been one of the high points of her religious experience. "Fasting isn't just about not eating food," she explains. "It is also a departure from certain attitudes. When I fast, my mind seems to be much clearer, and I'm more in tune with the universe."

Halima's faith has been tested. Last year, she became seriously ill and lay in a coma for four days. When she regained consciousness, her Iman, or minister, was holding her hand and chanting over her. "I had the sense of the truthfulness of the first pillar of Islam," she says quietly. "There is no power worthy of worship other than God."'

Dianne Beeves, 35, recording artist, Yoruba: When Dianne Reeves sings "Better Days," her haunting tribute to her grandmother, most listeners don't realize that she is actively practicing the teachings of Yoruba, an ancient West African religion. "Yoruba instructs you to worship your ancestors, " says Dianne, a woman with a commanding presence and a powerful spiritual aura. "My religion has taught me how to call upon the strength of those who came before me."

Raised in an African Methodist Episcopal church that her family founded, in 1976 Dianne left her home town of Denver and moved to Los Angeles. She came to New York in 1983, where she found a religion that would help her embrace her own culture. "Perhaps because I hadn't grown up around Africans, I was in search of spirituality from an African point of view," she says.

Cause and effect is the centerpiece of this faith; followers of Yoruba believe that you reap what you have sown. Yorubas pay homage to Olodumare, the highest power. They also acknowledge and give offerings to other deities, known as Orishas. There are Obatala, Shango, Oshun, Yemoja and many others.

Dianne says that rather than replacing Christianity, Yoruba enhances her understanding of it. "Because of the way emotion works in Yoruba, I can see why Black people get |happy' in church," says the singer.

Since embracing her new faith, Dianne has returned to Denver to be closer to her family. "It's very empowering for me to be able to call upon the strength of my ancestors. In my house I have an ancestral table with pictures of all my relatives. I say their names and ask them for guidance. When I walk by that table I feel that I can overcome every struggle because they did."

Dianne prays every morning and thanks God for her life and for her ancestors. Her music is influenced by her beliefs, and she tries to sing songs of praise to the ones who came before her. One of the principles of Yoruba is to be patient. "My faith teaches me to see things through spiritual eyes and shows me when to step aside and let things happen," says Dianne. "I recognize that I'm on a spiritual journey."

Sheba Riley, 23, a recent college graduate, and her mother, Catherine Riley, Ethiopian Hebrew: "As Ethiopian Hebrews we believe in one God," says Catherine Riley in a passionate voice filled with conviction. "We don't believe in Christ. We follow the Old Testament of the Bible. We consider our bodies holy and eat only kosher food, food that is clean according to Hebraic law. And we dress modestly."

When mother and daughter attend Friday-evening sabbath services at their synagogue, Catherine always recalls her trips to the synagogue with her mother when she was a child. She proudly points out that Sheba is a third-generation Ethiopian Hebrew.

"I enjoy the Friday-evening service at the synagogue," says Sheba in a cheerful, girlish voice. "There are prayers and a lecture and people sometimes give testimonials. I leave feeling stronger."

Sheba declares that meditation and quiet prayer to God help her maintain her faith. "In the morning there is a set of prayers that we say that help me make it through the day. I always pray before I go to sleep. I feel that God is there and answers my prayers."

The holy days of their religion are especially significant to the Rileys, especially Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, when Hebrews ask for forgiveness of their sins for that year. "We fast for 24 hours," says Catherine, "and we don't do any work. We pray from morning until sundown. It's a very serious holiday."

"Yom Kippur is a day that strengthens our faith," says Sheba. She adds, "Growing up as a Black Hebrew in America is hard. It is easy to stray away from the religion, but I never wanted to, because my beliefs have made me feel better about myself. I feel that everything I'm doing is for the Almighty.

Bebe Moore Campbell, the author of the novel Your Blues Ain't Like Mine (Putnam), is a contributing writer to this magazine.

COPYRIGHT 1992 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group