Do our children need fathers? - Jessica Henderson Daniel, family therapist, Bill Stephney founder of Families Organized for Liberty and Action - Dialogue - Panel Discussion

The death of Betty Shabazz last summer from injuries she sustained in a fire set by her grands filled us all with horror. Beyond that, it gave special urgency to a debate that has raged in our communities for some time now--the question of how to raise good men when, according to the U.S. Census, some 91 percent of African-American boys do not have a father in the home. Is a father's presence necessary? What standards should we have for fatherhood in our community? And how can we raise boys into the kind of men we need for the twenty-first century?

To sort out these questions, we've brought together Jessica Henderson Daniel, Ph.D., a family therapist and the codirector of training and psychology at the Judge Baker Children's Center and Children's Hospital in Boston, and Bill Stephney, the father of a 3-year-old son and founder of the New York City nonprofit organization FOLA (Families Organized for Liberty and Action) for this ESSENCE Dialogue.

ESSENCE: What are we up against as parents and as a community in raising our sons?

Jessica Henderson Daniel: We are up against a society that has now decided that Black men represent all the negative attributes of maleness in our society. Having to counter that is no small thing.

Bill Stephney: It goes beyond the image of the negative Black male to the irrelevant Black male. The Black community also internalizes that imagery. We have to challenge the external assumptions about Black males, but we'll have to challenge our own internal assumptions as well.

ESSENCE: Do you think it's vital that boys have fathers around?

B.S.: Yes. The question is not just "What do fathers give to their sons?" but "How are our male children coping in environments where their adulthood is irrelevant to the community?" After all, the father was once a son, but now, sons often don't have that mirror available.

J.H.D.: Raising children is not just a matter of having two adults present in the home. It's about having emotionally healthy and available people around for the children. In some cases, you can have a male child in a family where there's a father and a mother but the father's absent psychologically. If a father's not available, even if he's making $100,000 a year, you don't have a dad. I think that women who don't have a man in the house but who actively seek male role models are doing the right thing for their kids.

B.S.: But that's not enough. It's almost as if we're saying "We don't need fathers. As long as there's a strong mother and mentors, we'll be fine." I could not imagine society saying "We don't need mothers. As long as we've got fathers with nannies provided by the government, it'll be okay."

ESSENCE: What about all the single mothers in our community who are raising sons?

B.S.: Single mothers have never been the problem. It is the absent father. We've had single mothers for many years when Black men were hanging from trees and Billie Holiday was singing "Strange Fruit." Those strong Black women that kept the families going were single mothers.

J.H.D.: I think people in my field, the social services, have demonized Black women, holding them responsible for what has happened with the Black family.

B.S.: I would say, though, we cannot compare the valiant efforts of the traditional single mother who didn't have a choice--because her husband was taken away--with the single mothering of the Roe v. Wade generation. By that I mean women who have children solely by choice, without regard to a father beyond the act of conception.

J.H.D.: I disagree. That argument treats Black women as not understanding what it means to be a family. I don't think that's true of Black women. They want healthy males around their boys and girls. But if those healthy models are not available, they'd rather raise their children on their own. It takes energy to raise a child, and it takes even more energy in a household where you're dealing with a man who's not functional. There are functional Black men around but, unfortunately, not enough of them.

ESSENCE: Why are men abandoning their families?

B.S.: Within my group, FOLA, we consistently find, when talking to young Black men, that they grow tip with bitterness toward their absent father only to find out that he had been forbidden to see them.

J.H.D.: Wait, I think we need both sides of the story. I'd like to hear the women's version of why they [denied the child's father visitation] and what happened. Not every Black woman is healthy, but to label a whole group unhealthy around this issue is unfair.

ESSENCE: What can we do to support parents who split up?

B.S.: Change public policy to make sure that when we're subsidizing families, we're subsidizing both parents to equitably raise their children. We also need to create a healthy environment for marriage in our community.

In many ways the most damaging policy to our families is that the government said you can get a subsidy as long as you don't have a husband or father around. That was the final straw in creating a culture of fatherlessness that we're still struggling with.

J.H.D.: We have young people who were not raised. So they're going to need support and instruction on the importance of having two people involved in the lives of children. With Black women raising their children alone, boys often don't understand male-female relationships, or what it means to be a father.

ESSENCE: What can we do to break the cycle of despair in which far too many of our sons are trapped?

J.H.D.: It has to be on everybody's plate to do things that say "We value all our children." Most people succeed because they are loved and cherished--because of human relationships--and not just because they're smart. If you're not bonded to somebody, you're in deep trouble. In our community, a lot of these young men are totally disconnected. Children should have as many consistent caretakers in their lives as they can, but I don't think a child is doomed if he can't have his biological father.

B.S.: Our community used to have mothers and fathers and husbands and wives. We now have "baby daddies" and "baby mommies." That has to go.

My mantra is that we're not trying to bring the evil White patriarchy into the Black community. It's not about having the Black man come back and run his family. But both parents, married or not, have to be in this metaphorical village of aunts and uncles and grandparents. Coparenting has to be the standard by which we raise our children.

COPYRIGHT 1997 Essence Communications, Inc.
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