The company they keep: what you can do when your kid's posse is a problem

Kea Gibson's son had always been respectful and a good student. But by the time he turned 12, he had been reprimanded for tardiness and suspended for cursing at school. What changed? His mom is convinced it's the company he keeps. "Devon has always been a leader," says Gibson, a hospital unit clerk who lives in Milwaukee. "But now he seems very impressionable. He sees his friends using profanity and acting out in school, and he wants to be like them." As summer approaches and Devon has even more free time to spend with his peers, Gibson says she worries that things may get worse. "I know I have to let him learn on his own and make his own mistakes," she says. "But if this keeps up, I'll have to say, 'You can't be friends with them.'"

Many parents can relate to Gibson's struggle. Peer pressure is powerful enough to counteract even the best upbringing. But, experts warn, as parents we have to be careful about how we fight these influences. If we come on too strong, our children can lose confidence in their ability to pick friends.

THE POWER OF PEERS

It's hard for a parent to know when to give a child space and when to draw the line on worrisome friendships. For younger children that answer comes easy. A 5-year-old's friendships are often orchestrated by her parents, says Kenneth Rubin, Ph.D., director of the Center for Children, Relationships and Culture at the University of Maryland. But as they grow older, he explains, children's choice of friends becomes much more complex. "Starting around middle school, similarities in attitude and opinion, and common tastes in music and clothing bring kids together," says Rubin, who is also author of The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World--And Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness (Penguin). "That powerful connection can be tough to sever."

Rubin notes that middle school is also about the time children start wanting to be part of the in crowd at school. Trouble is, he says, kids become popular for different reasons. "You have those who are admired because they are generally likable," he explains. "Then there are those who become popular because they are more dominant, for example, or considered to be cool."

To help your child avoid the popularity game, Rubin suggests, encourage her to pursue positive, supportive relationships instead of wanting to be part of the in crowd. That means talking to your child long before adolescence about why she should choose certain friends. Say things like "A true friend won't tell you to do something that'll get you in trouble" or "Good friends want you to do well in school." The objective: When a friend encourages them to do something they shouldn't--cut class, try drugs--they'll know it's time for that friendship to end.

Gerlma Johnson, for one, is seeing the rewards of such talks with her children. One of her daughters and a close girlfriend recently parted ways because the friend wanted to have sex with boys. Johnson, who is principal of a public middle school in Detroit, believes her daughter was better able to handle the situation because of the strong family values instilled in her from an early age. "Even when they were little, I would say, 'This is not what our family expects of you, or our religion expects of you,'" she explains. "Eventually they know to do the right thing because it's right, not because they fear repercussions from their parents."

Johnson's approach works, experts say, because it gives the child responsibility for making her own decisions. "Eventually some children will walk away from a relationship if it goes against what they've been taught," says Sheila Walker, an associate professor of psychology at Scripps College in Claremont, California. But if there's something you really don't like, by all means speak on it, walker adds. "Simply say 'I've seen that Kenny does so-and-so and I don't approve of it.' Make sure to focus on the behavior, not the child," Walker says.

One way to get your child to hear you out is to get to know who his friends are, and to make sure they know you. Make your home a place where your kids and their friends like to hang out. Volunteer to take your son and his crew to a movie, the mall or some other activity. Also introduce you r children to kids you've met--through friends, relatives or teachers--and like. It's a great way to expose them to youngsters who share your values. These arranged matches don't always stick, but they could blossom into long-term friendships.

WHEN FRIENDSHIPS MUST END

If your child is in a situation in which her emotional or physical safety is in danger, then there's no question the friendship should end. When it comes to dissolving the relationship, Rubin says to let the child handle it. "If he blames the split on Mom or Dad, he loses face," Rubin explains. "The child who can say, 'I don't want to hang out with you because of ...' is seen as having a mind of his own."

What changed Devon's mind was the threat of being put in a class with students who show no interest in learning. "I'm gonna change my attitude," Devon told his mom. To help him along, Mom and Dad are focusing on Devon's behavior and leaving his friends out of it. They took away his video games and the designer shoes and clothes he wears to impress his buddies. With good behavior, Devon can earn them back.

what if she has trouble making friends?

does your child sit alone while others play games together and socialize with ease? This could be a sign that she needs help making friends. Sheila Walker, an associate professor of psychology at Scripps College in Claremont, California, offers this advice to parents:

* Talk to your child's teacher. In a child's early years, teachers often flag parents when they notice a student having trouble socially, Walker says. Parents should listen carefully and take the teacher's concern seriously. "Ask questions LIKE, 'What have you noticed?' and 'Is there a pattern to what you see?'" says Walker. This can help you determine the source of the problem.

* Help your child make connections. If your child seems a bit fearful of new people, don't push her, Walker says. Instead, help ease her into situations in which she can make friends. Ask who she likes in her class, and perhaps arrange a one-on-one playdate or outing with that child. Organize structured activities for them, such as baking brownies or playing board games, where they can get to know each other better, but the focus isn't on themselves. If your young one is comfortable, leave the room and observe her behavior. Note her strengths and the areas where she can improve, such as her ability to share and whether she is too dominant or too passive. After the visit, talk with her about the experience and ways to have an even better one next time.

* Look at your own lifestyle. "Some kids have difficulty because their parents are not sociable," Walker says. If that's you, find a family you'd like to spend more time with, invite them over, and start modeling good friendship behavior.

* Seek professional help if necessary. Some children, such as those with autism or attention or hyperactivity problems, have trouble recognizing and developing the social skills needed to initiate and sustain friendships, Walker says. If your child is extremely withdrawn, painfully shy or overanxious, you might ask your pediatrician to refer you to a psychologist or another specialist who can help you figure out what's behind the behavior. With psychological help and, if necessary, prescribed medication, such children can develop rich, nurturing friendships too.--R.D.S.

Robin D. Stone is a freelance writer who lives in New York City.

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