The 'buy me' blues: how we can avoid overindulging our children

Each year Surayyah Spears goes all out to give her 6-year-old son, Tariq, an unforgettable Christmas, even though they are Muslim. Last year's holiday haul, which included all the latest toys and video games he had asked for, clothes and a new bed and nightstand, set her back $1,200. But Spears, 36, a regional office coordinator in Cleveland, has seen Tariq open a carload of gifts in 20 minutes, only to head right back to his room to play with old favorites. "As parents we want to see the look on our kids' faces when they get something new, but it doesn't last and they only want more," she says.

So this year Spears is trying something new: She's giving Tariq fewer material gifts and more of herself. They'll put up holiday decorations, bake cookies, play games and watch movies over popcorn. Not only will she save more cash for her mortgage, car note and part-time college classes, but she also hopes she will cultivate a better relationship with Tariq and help him learn to appreciate what he gets.

Experts say Spears is on the right track. With holiday advertisements encouraging us to buy, buy, buy from Halloween to Christmas Eve, it's hard to fight the urge to splurge. But with all the emphasis on gifts and getting, especially during the holidays, we run the risk of overindulging our children and we overlook the true spirit of the season.

DO WE GIVE TOO MUCH?

"We've gotten confused," says Kevin Washington, Ph.D., an individual and family therapist in Washington, D.C. "Every ritual should have meaning, but we seldom stop to think about the reason behind what we're giving." Instead, parents often use gifts to accomplish other objectives, Washington says, like trying to make up for lost time or to win a child's love, or as a way of controlling behavior. "Financially, I know I overdo it," Spears says. "It's a catch-22: You work long hours to be better off, but you tend to compensate for that missed quality time with material things. I can't recall Tariq's being disappointed, but I know he'd prefer to have me to himself," she adds. "What he really wants is my undivided attention. He says it or shows it in many ways, like when I'm on the computer and he comes and sits on my lap."

Like Spears, many parents recognize that overindulging their children may stem not only from savvy marketing, but also from their own personal issues. Zanetta Addams-Pilgrim, 39, an executive at a community development corporation in Harlem, acknowledges that she and her husband, David, have an obsession with technology that fuels their holiday buying binges. "Sometimes we buy things that require other things," says the mother of three. "You can't just get a Gameboy Advance SP. You've got to get the game too. And you can't just get one game because that seems skimpy. So you buy two or three. But then you say, he's only gotten Gameboy stuff, so let's buy him some clothes." Before she knows it, she and David have easily dropped as much as $400 for each child.

Addams-Pilgrim wants to learn how to celebrate in moderation. "Our kids already have too much," she admits, explaining that she once gave five large bags full of toys to charity and none of her children missed a thing. In fact, they often seem overwhelmed when they receive even more gifts from their many relatives.

HOW TO STOP MATERIAL MADNESS

By giving too much, we could be setting up our children for a painful adulthood, says Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D., a family-life educator in Minneapolis. "Children who are used to getting everything they want stay at the center of the universe," says Clarke, who is also coauthor of How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children (Marlowe & Company). They may interrupt, barge in on other people's time, make scenes when they're not satisfied, or take other's property with ease, she says. "They don't know to respect others because it's all about them."

Clarke's research of adults shows that looking back on their childhoods, many would have gladly traded the toys, games and TV for more time and attention from their parents. But with marketing's powerful influence, children are more likely to ask for the latest movie-inspired toy than an afternoon of fun and games with Mom or Dad. That's why it's important for adults to determine limits and structure, says Clarke. "We often think that overindulgence comes from not having had much yourself, but there's another side. For someone who has had everything, it's normal for them to want to give everything."

If you're a parent who gives too much, or have a child you think has too much, Clarke offers advice on helping children practice acts of gratitude:

* Set a limit of no more than ten gifts total from family and friends per child. If your child receives more than ten presents, put the rest away until later--and let your child know when later is, she says. Or you can open gifts to learn who sent what so that you can write thank-you notes, then date the gifts for use another day.

* Take your time as you open the gifts, Clarke suggests. "Give your child the gift and say to him 'This present is from so-and-so.'" After that, space out the opening of the next gift by a few hours. Spacing teaches children delayed gratification and gives them a chance to really appreciate what they have received.

* Scale back. "Many parents think, I don't want my child to be left behind, so they get electronic educational games with all the bells and whistles," Clarke says. "But the best brain builders are building blocks and pots and pans."

Surayyah Spears got that message loud and clear one day as she watched Tariq dig through a pile of high-tech playthings and stop to play with an inexpensive old toy. And so for the holidays this year, Spears says, she and her son will nest at home. "We can wear our pj's and stay in every day," she says with a laugh.

Robin D. Stone is author of No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse (Broadway Books).

RELATED ARTICLE: Purposeful gift-giving.

"To make the holidays more meaningful, parents should identify a reason for giving," says Kevin Washington, Ph.D., a Washington, D.C., therapist. Each family should select five to seven core values that speak to why they celebrate certain holidays. And before buying the newest gadget, he says, think of those values and ask the following:

What purpose does this gift serve?

What does my child need most from me?

What do I want most from my child?

Love? Respect? Is this gift really going to help me get it?

What values do I want my child to ascribe to, and how does this gift tie into those values?

Some gifts that have meaning include board games, books to read aloud and art activities that get you involved with your kids. You might also consider gifts that inspire a child's passion or help fulfill her sense of purpose. For a young child who likes to draw, for instance, pick up construction paper and washable markers and glue. For one who likes music, give an instrument and lessons, or books about music and children who make it. For an older child who's collecting an allowance, try a bank that shows how much money she puts in. For a teen who performs, try tickets to a major jazz revue, dance recital or play.

Finally, nurture children's natural inclination to give. Encourage her to help you choose a holiday toy you can donate to a deserving charity, for example. "From very early on, children have a great desire to give the best of themselves," Washington says. Parents should reward even the smallest gestures. "Whether we control it or not, values are being learned every day," he says. "So teach that it is in giving, not receiving, that greatness is manifest."--R.S.

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