FedEx's finest

Jay Gile and I sat in his FedEx van, boxes stacked in the back, seat belts buckled, ready to ride, when his supervisor stuck his head in the window.

"Jay," he said, "now don't get in an accident."

This is not the usual send off that a FedEx driver gets as he leaves each morning.

You see, Gile is the safest FedEx driver around. He has been delivering overnight packages out of La Crosse for 21 years and never had an accident. He has driven an awkward van through rushhour fistshaking, up narrow bluff roads, around heatseeking deer, in rain and sleet and ice and snow, and he's come out cleaner than a wedding dress every time.

He just passed the millionmile mark without a blemish. He's the Million Mile Man.

Do you know how impossible that is? You'd have a better shot at going to the Million Man March and not bumping into anyone.

They have a sign there in the FedEx office noting it, but seriously, who would believe such a claim? Luckily, the folks at FedEx headquarters in Memphis, Tenn., gave me permission to find out, to ride shotgun with the master.

Let's see. Navigate for a man who knows every road for 60 miles in any direction and hasn't caused a fender-bender since Doogie Howser was in diapers? This was a job I could probably handle.

Tell you this, they didn't choose "Package C" on those FedEx vans. Gile rolled down my window and said, I just turned on the air conditioning for you."

So we were climbing into the sweatbox with brakes on Monday morning when Mike Ziniel, a senior manager, popped his head in the driver's window with a grin, pointing out how Mr. Safety having a wreck with a columnist as wingman might not be good PR.

Everyone else was thinking it. He was jinxing it.

"Some things you just shouldn't talk about," Gile said later, truckin' down Interstate 90, wind hitting us in the face.

They're a little touchy about safety records at the local FedEx these days. In 2003, the La Crosse station was this close to an unbelievable streak. They were closing in on a million consecutive miles without an accident.

To put that in perspective, the Rochester station had its safety run ended a few days ago when someone backed into one of its parked vans. The mechanic wiped some paint on it. Good as new. A kamikaze horsefly would have done as much damage.

Doesn't matter. It counts as an accident.

LaCrosse sends out more than a dozen vans each morning. They travel a total of 3,200 miles per day. Drive a million miles on Wisconsin roads unscathed? Sure. Or, they could play blindfolded tag in a minefield wearing snowshoes. Same odds.

But La Crosse was untouchable, right over the 900,000-mile mark, and bigwigs in Memphis were flipping out. They hired a film crew to document the accomplishment. The La Crosse station had signs up, counting down the miles every day.

And then, of course, one of the La Crosse drivers was delivering in Iowa and a dump truck full of gravel crashed the party.

The truck driver thought the FedEx van was turning right, but it was turning left, so the truck decided to pass on the left, just as the van turned left and let's just say they didn't even bother bringing in a mechanic.

"I've gotten pretty lucky," he said.

And it's not like he can poke along his route like a blue-hair shopping for antiques. When you've got 60 stops to make between La Crosse and Black River Falls, Wis., in a 10-hour shift, who has time for chitchat? our third stop was a time-guzzler, a house at the end of Quackenbush Road, deep in the country between Onalaska and West Salem. It went from two-lane to one-lane to gravel to dirt to trees hitting both sides of the van.

All for one envelope.

About 15 years ago, he got stopped by a cop doing 10 over the speed limit. FedEx does not pick up its drivers' speeding tickets.

"They really want to know about it, though," he said.

He only got a warning, but at least there was finally something to talk about at his performance review.

A couple Christmases ago, Gile was making a delivery when a dog bit him in the back of the leg, so bad teeth hit the bone. His knees are shot anyway, and he's still only missed one day of work in the last two years.

And the vans aren't exactly all-terrain vehicles. If snow gets 8-inches deep, you have to shovel at every stop.

"So," I finally had to ask, "have you had any close calls?"

"Sure," he said, smiling, and then we dropped the subject.

A good wingman knows when to shut up.

Copyright La Crosse Tribune Jul 27, 2005
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