The hitch-finders' guide to a new Premiership season

Let's face it, if Arsenal continue with this Invincibles carryon much longer, we'll all be asleep come November.

So to ensure everyone can maintain an interest over the whole season, why not play our spotting game? Read our predictions and date them as they happen . . . first to 1,000 points wins!

1.

steve McManaman and Robbie Fowler in big coats enjoying a joke at the races on matchday (1pt)

2. Patrick, Craig, Kieron, Jonathan and Lee enjoying a quiet milkshake down by the Quayside (50pts)

3. Match report about Norwich City with laboured cooking reference crowbarred into opening paragraph (5pts)

4. Picture of Rio Ferdinand going shopping (1pt)

5. A distinctly average player being touted as the solution to England's problem position out on the left (3pts)

6.Mark Lawrenson making it through a whole edition of Match Of The Day without cracking a puerile joke or raising his eyebrow to camera (10pts)

7. Newspapers branding at least three teams as crisis clubs by 31 August (2pts)

8. Fellow MOTD presenter Alan Hansen becoming a complete caricature of himself (1pts)

9. Steve McManaman and Robbie Fowler in big coats enjoying a joke on the bench (10pts)

10. A new term for sexual indiscretion among Premiership footballers is uncovered: Basting (1pt), Coddling (5pts), Espagnoling (2pts), Gibletting (3pts) and Hors d'oeuvring (10pts)

11. Picture of Wayne Rooney eating candy floss/ Chupa Chups/ 1kg bag of white sugar (1pt each)

12. Tottenham striker Robbie Keane seen smiling (50pts)

13. Harry Redknapp's face finally melting to the floor (5pts)

14. Faria Alam is appointed head of communications for the Association of British Candle-Makers (100pts)

15. Despite all the promise, it all goes wrong for Middlesbrough/ Newcastle again (1pt)

16. Everton's last-ever game in the top flight (5pts)

17. Kevin Keegan deciding to walk out on Manchester City (5pts)

18.Jose Mourinho coming off the fence and telling us what he really thinks (1pt)

19.Kevin Keegan deciding to walk out on Manchester City but not being able to help himself and breaking into a full sprint instead (5pts)

20.In the wake of Division Three becoming Big Uberleague One, a marketing guru holding his hands up and saying: "Sorry, we've all been high on cocaine and hubris, we're going to renounce our wrongs and change all the names back to the way everyone liked it years ago." (1,000pts)

21. Alex Ferguson imploding with impotent rage upon realising that Jose Mourinho isn't getting all het up over the transparent mind games which a child of six could see through (5pts)

22. Emile Heskey scoring his 20th goal of the season and making a mockery of Gerard Houllier's coaching skills (5pts)

23.Crystal Palace stay up after winning their last 10 games of the season under new manager Ron Noades (100pts)

24. West Bromwich Albion winning a game with a scoreline other than 1-0 (5pts) Arsene Wenger getting all het up over Alex Ferguson's transparent mind games which a child of six could see through, but kidding that he doesn't care (1pt)

25.Alan Curbishley being given job by 'big' club (100pts)

26. A team from Yorkshire (1,000,001pts)

27.Liverpool forced to drop sponsors Carlsberg when logo finally takes over whole shirt after 475th unnecessary embellishment (20pts)

28.Another dramatic Birmingham derby that for some strange reason nobody really talks about or remembers (2pts)

(c)2004. Associated Newspapers Ltd.. Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.