When a man loves a woman

How does a man know when he's in love with a woman?" The following truisms, observations and guesses are intended to provide some insight. Some are silly. Some are serious. All are from the heart. When a man loves a woman, it feels as if all the fantasies of romance he has always nurtured, but told no one (not even his closest homie), have suddenly become real. He stops taking his brother with him to NBA games and even misses a big game against Shaq to take her to the Dance Theatre of Harlem. He stops playing Snoop Doggy Dogg (at least around her) and works very hard to eliminate the word bitch from his vocabulary. If he can't, then he's not really in love. He puts his past flames behind him. No matter how good some other woman looks, he doesn't act on his desires. He learns that one key to a successful relationship is willpower. He tells her about his past. He talks about his previous loves--those he loved well, those he loved poorly--and what he learned about himself in the process. He hopes she'll help him complete his education. He learns to listen. He listens to her problems, her joys, her gossip and her judgments. He learns that manhood is defined by sensitivity as well as by machismo, by vulnerability as well as by strength, by tenderness as well as by toughness. He learns to enjoy giving massages as much as he enjoys receiving them. He studies her entire body (not just her sexual organs) with his hands and learns how to bring comfort to the spots that life has made tense. He stops talking about his job and starts talking about his dreams and what he's trying to build. He tells her what he feels inside, where his future lies and what he thinks her role in it is. When a man loves a woman (as the eight men on the following pages say they do), there is no all-purpose phrase or simple description for his feelings. It's a special groove he falls into that no single word or image can define. He eventually asks his woman not simply to be his wife, but, more profoundly, to be his partner for life.

Brian McKnight, 25 Recording Artist

"Julie stood me up on our first date. I had never been stood up before. I was the big man on campus, and Julie was a freshman. I don't think that she liked me at first, but I asked her out anyway. If I hadn't asked her out, I know one of my boys would have. So I asked her out again, and that time we finally hooked up. Even though we've been together for six years, we work on our marriage on a daily basis. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but you try to create more ups than downs. Some say that the seven-year mark in marriage is an indication of whether it's going to make it or not. Julie and I have one more year. But we'll be just fine."

Leon, 30 Actor

"I knew I was in love--real love, that is--when I felt like I couldn't get a good night's sleep without my girl-friend there. I ate too much around her and too little away from her. It's a really weird thing about true love. I think if love were a drug, it would be illegal and we would all be in rehab. Having healthy love can be different. Healthy love is when you can balance your feelings so that you are not so overwhelmed that you do one senseless act after another. To have long-lasting love, I realize, there has to be a balance between my heart and my mind. While I appreciate beauty, I've learned that love is not just a sexual thing. It's about wanting to be with the one you love, not the one you're with."

Bill Duke, 51 Director

"A number of years ago I realized I was in love, because my friend and I started laughing right in the middle of a really heated argument. We realized that whatever we were arguing about wasn't as important as our relationship. This person cared for me for me, and I cared for her for her. It didn't matter who she was or wasn't, and it didn't matter who I was or wasn't. I've learned that it also takes two people to destroy a relationship. I can't change anybody else but myself, so I have to be a better me. The same goes for her: She has to be willing to be a better person. If not, I won't be a better person. If not, I won't be able to hang. But when you get serious about making a relationship work, you both take a deep look within."

Duane Martin, 29 Actor

"I met Tisha [Campbell] at a pilot audition in L.A. Later on I was invited by a friend to have dinner at her house. After dinner she saw me out by walking me downstairs. She quickly said, 'Bye,' slammed the door in my face and ran back upstairs. I tried to figure out what that was all about and concluded that this girl must like me. I wasn't attracted to Tisha at first. But as time went on, I began to see the beauty of her eyes and how pretty her lips were. And the beauty of our relationship was always present, but it took some time for me to realize it. To sum it up in a word, Tisha is gorgeous. We've been together for four years."

Karl Kani, 26 Fashion Designer and Entrepreneur

"Usually you get tired of people after a while, but when it's love you still want them around. You really know you're in love when you put your girl before something that has to do with money. I remember one time when I had a business meeting to go to, a certain friend who was going through some tough times wanted me to stay with her. Now this meeting was about expanding my business. But I actually felt good about missing it because she needed me. It was more than worth it because it helped our relationship. I think that's when I knew I had really deep feelings for her."

R. Kelly, 25 Recording Artist

"There's a bone-deep sensuality that I love about Black women. For example, whenever my mother and I talked over tea, I remember how she would leave her lipstick print on the teacup. Seeing that moved me for reasons I'm not even sure I understand. So when I'm out with a young lady, chillin' and drinking tea, if she's wearing lipstick and leaves her print on the cup, I find myself falling in love with her--at least for that moment. Love is real for me when that one special lady not only gets inside my head and really understands me, but also makes me believe I can do anything. My mom, who passed away last year, was special like that. She set the tone for my involvement with the ladies. So when I find a woman who makes me feel like I can knock down Chicago's Sears Tower, all I can say is 'That's it.'"

Andre Harrell, 34 CEO, Uptown Entertainment

"Love felt real when the good times weren't as sweet when she wasn't there. And when the bad times weren't as bad when she was. That's when I knew love was really real."

Trey Ellis, 32 Novelist and Screenwriter

"Erika says she fell in love with me at first sight, but I waited a couple of hours. We were at a party in Harlem, and all these guys were huddled around her. I waited them out, then pinned her in a corner and talked my head off for hours. I bragged about everything, from the books I've written to an A I got in the sixth grade. We'd been going out a week when her job made her move to Japan. I couldn't take it and flew to her. I planned to stay a month. I stayed three. I asked her to marry me last Christmas. The wedding was in July."

COPYRIGHT 1994 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group