My father, no show - a disappointment at 16 years old, remembered - Brothers - Column

From the day I was born, it seemed that the word Daddy would never be part of my vocabulary. As a child I was always envious of friends who had their father in their life. I recall the hurt feelings I had when I would go to the movies or to basketball games and see fathers and sons spending time together.

Even though my mom was strong enough to be both mother and father, I remained curious about the man, also responsible for my being here, who had always been missing from my life. As I approached adulthood, my interest in him only increased.

I needed to know who he was, what his life had been like and how he could even consider skipping out on an innocent child. After asking around and getting in contact with some of his family members, I obtained the answer to my prayers: my father's phone number. I was 16 at the time, and my heart was pumping fast from the fear of rejection. But I was also relieved to be getting closer to ending the search for more truth about my life.

I didn't realize how nervous I was until I finally made the call. The voice that answered was that of an obviously annoyed woman, and I immediately clicked down the receiver.

But then I thought, Why be apprehensive? Don't I have the right to make my presence known? So I finally got up the nerve to call again. To my surprise, this time he answered.

In a humble tone of voice, I explained who I was and my reason for calling. After I had spent five minutes or so helping him recollect, he finally remembered. There was irritation in his voice as he explained his reasons for not being there. He said he had been "young, going through a lot of hard times, and not financially ready to care for a child."

I was ready to put all my hurt feelings aside when he promised me things would be different from then on. We set a date to get together. I anxiously counted the days. Suddenly the many questions I had about my past were about to be answered.

When the day finally came, I was set, ready to go and waiting for him to arrive. I continued to wait, hours after the time of our appointment. I finally realized that he was a no-show and that the only place I was going was to my bedroom to take off the special clothes I had worn to impress him.

I wanted to give my father the benefit of the doubt before I jumped the gun. Maybe something had come up unexpectedly. But at the same time I was frustrated, disappointed and angry that he had never even bothered to call to apologize. When I began calling him to see what the problem was, the phone kept ringing or a woman would answer and say he wasn't at home and he wouldn't be in until late. He never returned any of my calls. Eventually I gave up.

The only thing I ever wanted from my father was to see him and maybe get to know him. It didn't matter to me if he had a house on Martha's Vineyard or three cramped rooms in the projects. But in the end, I finally had to accept the sad truth that there would never be a bond between us, quality time together or a two-way line of communication.

For a brief period I allowed my anger and bitterness to block my spiritual growth. I had assumed that after all these years of absence, my father would welcome the opportunity to make up for at least some of the lost time. But as I began to grab hold of my feelings and emotions, I realized I had no reason to feel bad about something over which I had no control.

I eventually used the negative emotions to help motivate me to strive harder for success and be a much more productive individual, no matter what obstacles may be thrown my way. I've also learned that while any boy can make a baby, it takes a man to raise one. That means I need to be a mature person who can assume the responsibilities that are mine rather than run away from them.

I appeal to all absentee fathers to keep in contact with your children. Sorry excuses such as "I'm going through hard times" or "I can't provide for my child financially" are nothing more than cop-outs. Most children aching to know their fathers aren't looking to them for what they can provide materially. What we really want is some time together. Your greatest gift to us is simply showing up.

COPYRIGHT 1996 Essence Communications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group