Ask Iyanla: healer, teacher and best-selling author Iyanla Vanzant offers no-nonsense advice for your real-life dilemmas

IS THERE MORE THAN DISTANCE BETWEEN US?

Dear Iyanla,

My boyfriend of nearly three years and I have lived in different cities for a year. After he graduated, he found work in Austin, Texas. I am still in college in Houston--several hours drive away--and I also work full-time. We commute to see each other, but the visits are not as frequent lately because of his schedule, and mine isn't so flexible either. Things have gotten so bad that when I call him, he tells me he'll call me back and doesn't. I wonder if he's cheating. When I confront him, he reassures me that he's not. Then he'll call more often--with more empty promises to visit soon. I know long-distance relationships are hard. But he and I knew that going into this, and we agreed that where you are doesn't matter as long as you're in love. After this past year, though, I'm wondering if I can handle it. I am a very independent, smart and beautiful dark-skinned sister. I know that if we were to break up, I would be able to find another men. Still, there's a shortage of what I like and he is my type. I just would like to know if I'm the one who's trippin' or if it's him. I'm confused end lonely. Please help.

Beloved,

You're right; maintaining a long-distance relationship can be difficult. But committed couples can find ways to make the distance work to their benefit. They use the time apart to grow and learn things they will share when they come together. They keep the lines of communication open and clear. They share their deepest thoughts and feelings, keeping the flames of love alive. They find small loving ways to create and share intimacy and a sense of security. When these things do not happen, suspicions arise. Fears and allegations run amok. Eventually, the relationship dies with no real closure.

I think you know that your relationship is over. All too often we get caught up in what the relationship was, ignoring the reality of what is. A woman's intuition should never be ignored. Somewhere in the deepest part of your being you know that something is not right. Trust what you know! If you do not listen to yourself when you have the hard-core evidence staring you in the face, you will be tempted to blame him for bad behavior. Perhaps he cares for you so much that he thinks telling you the truth will hurt you. Or perhaps you will not allow him to tell you the truth. Often a man will deny an accusation in response to his own fear. You can support him in doing the right thing in the right way by honoring your own intuition.

When we women trust our guts, we are frequently saved from many tearful nights on the telephone with a girlfriend. In fact, I encourage you to put your inner knowing to the test. Stop calling. Stop questioning. Monitor his response. Remember, people always tell you the truth by their behavior. If he is Mr. Right, he will find you and let you know his intentions. If he doesn't, you have learned a powerful lesson in trusting yourself. Now here comes the hard part. Consider that the love you shared in this relationship may only be a shadow of what is to come. Don't get caught up in a male shortage--real or perceived! If this relationship is over, holding on will not save it. In addition, when you hold on, your divine-right mate cannot get into your heart. Let go and gain, or hold on and grieve. The choice is yours. In the meantime, be blessed!

Do you need help with a dilemma? Write Ask Iyanla, ESSENCE, 1500 Broadway, New York NY 10036; E-mail queries to askiyanla@essence.com. She will respond only to letters that are selected for publication.

Iyanla Vanzant is founder and director of the Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Life Coaching in Silver Spring, Maryland. For program information, call (888) POWER-27.

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