Longing for a mother's love - Ask Iyanla

DEAR IYANLA,

My mother is caring and sweet to my siblings, but I haven't felt loved by her for years. I love both my parents. But because I go to lunch and ball games with Dad, Mama thinks I have taken his side in a bitter and ongoing conflict between them. She has refused to speak with me for the last two years. Two weeks ago she sat next to me at church without acknowledging my presence I miss her dearly. I'd give anything to talk to her or spend time together. Part of me feels it's a lost cause and I should seek love elsewhere--with a mate--and start my own family. But I'm 33 and have been in one failed relationship after another. All I want is someone to love me and fill this void inside.

BELOVED,

If your mother didn't love you, she wouldn't be giving you the silent treatment. She's showing how hurt she has been by her perception of your behavior. I say "her perception," because you haven't committed any wrong against her.

But could you have done yourself an injustice? Besides your mother's anger, there's another emotional dynamic: control. Your experience makes clear that you have given your mother inappropriate control over your life. Emotionally speaking, the little girl inside of you is lost, alone and craving parental approval.

You have a divine opportunity to re-parent yourself. For the next 40 days, do those things you wish your mother would do for you or with you: Send yourself cards. Take yourself shopping. Read a book aloud to yourself. Go to a new church (not where Mama worships) and enjoy a home-cooked dinner afterward. This will begin to release past disappointments stemming from what you believe you needed from your mother and did not receive.

But also know this: Seeking external validation signals feelings of unworthiness. Might a part of you be closed to love? If so, it's this part of yourself that your mother is mirroring. It's time to reach out and connect--to yourself. As this relationship becomes more honest and loving, all others will follow suit.

Truth opens the heart to love. Say what you feel and feel what you say. Write a letter to your mother. Relate every experience over the years in which you felt controlled, abandoned, rejected or demeaned. Describe what you felt you were required to do in response. End the letter with the statement: "I forgive myself for believing that any of this was true." Place it for safekeeping inside your Bible.

The next day, write what you believe would be your mother's response. Begin the process with five deep breaths and a few moments of silence, as you allow your mother's face, voice and energy to be present in your mind. (Avoid contact with both Mama and Dad during this process to make space to heal and get clear.) On the third day, write a reply to your "mother's" response, sharing the feelings that come forward. Continue this back-and-forth process for ten days. The final letter should be from you to yourself. It will contain words of forgiveness for the ways you have dishonored, disrespected and abandoned yourself in response to anger or disapproval by others. When ready, you can burn all the letters. This process will reconnect you to the love within. Be blessed!

Iyanla Vanzant is founder of the Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Life Coaching in Silver Spring, Maryland. Call (888) POWER-27 or go to innervisions.com for on support services, workshops, soul work and upcoming events.

Do you need help with a problem? Write Ask Iyanla, ESSENCE, 1500 Broadway, New York NY 10036; E-mail queries to askiyanla@essence.com. She will Respond only to letters that are selected for publication.

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