Ask Iyanla

Dear Iyanla,

As a child 20 years ago, I was molested by my mother's live-in boyfriend, who is now her husband. At 35 I finally told my mother what happened and her reaction was not what I expected: She cried and apologized to me, but she's still with the man who stole my innocence. I wanted her to defend me and avenge me, but she didn't. For years she's acted like a weak victim instead of the strong woman I always thought she was. I want to forgive her, but how can I when I am still so hurt?

Beloved,

Your mother cannot "rescue you," and she cannot avenge what occurred 20 years ago. Unfortunately, you cannot go back and erase the violence committed against you. If your mother were to leave her husband today or beat him down on national television, you might temporarily feel better. However, the closure required for anyone who has experienced sexual assault begins with a conscious choice to heal.

You can start the process by choosing to give back to him the shame, guilt and anger forced upon you by the molestation. Write about it in a letter or journal, or speak it out loud each time you think about it. Next, decide to see yourself as more than a victim by acknowledging and honoring your gifts and abilities. This helps take the attention away from the past. Forgive yourself for believing you did anything wrong and for allowing that belief to keep you silent for so long. If you choose, ask a lawyer if you can still file charges against this man for the crime he committed against you. Consider joining a support group for women who have had the same experience, or speak to a counselor by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at (800) 656-HOPE. Finally, forgive your mother for not knowing that you needed protection. Then imagine the perfect resolution--both of you, healed, together. Let the light of love lead you.

Dear Iyanla,

I found out that my beautiful, intelligent and loving 16-year-old daughter, who gets A's and B's in school and never complains about doing chores around the house, is in a relationship with a 19-year-old girl. I cannot and will not condone her choice. I would have preferred that she come home pregnant than be gay. Whenever we discuss her relationship, I lose my temper and say hurtful things. I love her and I want what's best for her--a lifestyle blessed in the eyes of God. Iyanla, please help me.

Beloved,

Like every mother, you have hopes and dreams for your child. But the reality most parents must face is that what you see and desire for your child is not necessarily what she chooses for herself. Sixteen is an age of experimentation and curiosity. It is a time when friends, clothing, social activities and, yes, romantic partners all fall into the "what works for me" category.

Sexual orientation is a part of life, and every individual has the right to choose. Is it more important to have your way, or do you wish to have a loving relationship with your daughter? If you push too hard or say something inappropriate, you could lose or break your connection with her, which she will need in the years to come.

In order to gracefully work through this issue with your child, think about joining a support group of parents who've gone through a similar experience, such as PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays); (202) 467-8180 or pflag.org. What you don't want to do is confront her from a position of judgment and anger. A cool head and carefully chosen words are your best friends right now. Ask yourself, If my daughter decides to remain in a same-sex relationship, what do I need to do to have peace? Do I need to practice acceptance and tolerance, and affirm her positive qualities? Start there and place a high value on the ability of all human beings to choose, experience and change. In the meantime, I will hold you in the light of love, clarity and peace. Be blessed!

WE ASKED AND YOU RESPONDED...

59% percent of sisters feel that infidelity is nonnegotiable in their relationship,

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Iyanla Vanzant is founder and director of the Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Development in Silver Spring, Maryland, and Life Coach on the NBC television show Starting Over. Go to innervisionsworldwide.com for information on support services, workshops, soul work and a calendar of upcoming events. Do you need help with your relationship dilemma? Write Ask Iyanla, ESSENCE, 1500 Broadway, New York NY 10036; or E-mail queries to askiyanla@essence.com. She is only able to respond to letters selected for publication.

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