The world according to Cap'n Drew

"There are people out there who take boating very seriously. There are also people out there who take marshmallows very seriously. Marshmallows and boating are simply not solemn topics and should not be taken seriously." Welcome to the world according to Cap'n Drew.

Located somewhere between Chapman's Piloting and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Boating and Sailing lies the netherworld of nautical humor created by BoatU.S. member Andrew Brown, whose recently published book, What's A Hoy? A Guide to Modern Boating, has got a lot of folks chuckling.

From his irreverent top 10 lists to his droll cartoons to his trademark Question and Answer columns, Cap'n Drew has carved out a niche for himself in the world of boating -- poking fun at boaters and their toys -- and hitting the funny bone more often than not.

No one gets off easy in Cap'n Drew's world. Ragbeaters, stinkpotters, owners of phallic-shaped speedboats, dishonest brokers, toothless mechanics, and conniving marina operators are all looked at through the eyes of Cap'n Drew, a wacky know-it-all, Cliff Claven-type with an opinion on everything having to do with boating.

Brown was born in Brooklyn, NY, without a silver spoon in his mouth and raised in Rockaway Beach, NY. He didn't get his first boat, a 26-foot Bayliner, until 1990, and is proud of the fact that he ran it aground in nine states.

As a new boater, Brown learned in the traditional manner how keep to his boat properly maintained, afloat, full of gas, and the family happy during the weekend cruises: He asked the old salts at the Ossining Boat & Canoe Club, in Ossining, NY, where he is a member, for advice on repair or maintenance. Inevitably, they would reply with a witty, sarcastic humor before an honest answer was given. The small club is located adjacent to the infamous Sing Sing Prison on the Hudson River.

Brown lives in Westchester County, NY with his wife, "Windlass," (Meg) and their two children, "Fender" and "Cleat." In his spare time he serves his community as Financial Trustee of the Mohegan Lake Beach Park District and as a Volunteer Firefighter for the Lake Mohegan Fire Department. He is also an Adjunct Professor at Westchester Community College for the Professional and Personal Development Department, where he teaches a series of courses on money and finance.

Brown's book won't please everyone, especially those who take their boating too seriously. But the book should be read knowing full well that humor is an act of the heart and not necessarily of a sound mind.

What's A Hoy? A Guide to Modern Boating is available for $14.95 by visiting www.capndrew.com.

RELATED ARTICLE: FAMOUS MOMENTS IN BOATING HISTORY ...

29,000 B.C.

First boat Club formed. Refuse admittance to Neanderthals.

30,000 B.C.

First dug out canoe created by bored caveman.

4,840 B.C.

First sails invented. Sailors immediately consider themselves to be better than the "paddlers."

3,122 B.C.

First naval warship built in Egypt. Starts 6,000-year long naval arms race.

1,247 B.C.

Fishing pole invented

1,092 B.C.

Beer invented. Gives boaters something to do while they fish.

215 A.D.

Poopdeck invented in Rome. Boaters now have somewhere to go to read the newspaper.

854 A.D.

Vikings invent the Bayliner and use it to conquer all their neighbors.

906 A.D.

Primitive version of GPS invented. Creators call it "compass."

1804

Lewis and Clark pull their anchor and go on a beer run. Discover Northwest Passage and some "really swinging Indian babes."

1893

First canvas sneaker invented. Boaters no longer have to wear dress shoes on deck.

1914

U.S. Power Squadron organized. Spends nearly a hundred years attempting to teach new boater the difference between "starboard" and "port."

1921

Johnson Outboard Motor Company formed. Boating can now be enjoyed on windless days.

1924

Automatic windlass invented. Marital fights on boats reduced by 40%.

1937

First fiberglass boat built by Ray Greene in conjunction with Owens-Corning.

1946

Bikini debuts in Paris. Boat sales triple.

1947

Igloo Company develops ice cooler. Considered to be the single most important invention in boating history.

1950

Porto-potty invented. Boaters no longer have to endure the humiliation of "hanging it over the side."

1951

Holding tank deodorizers invented. Saves first Porto-Potty company from bankruptcy.

1966

Boat U.S. founded. Becomes defender of oppressed boaters everywhere.

1971

First electric bilge pump installed. Boaters now feel free to set sail despite "having a few small leaks."

1986

The handheld, neoprene beverage insulator is invented. None are sold until it gets renamed the "Koozie."

1988

Rubber water socks debut. Save as a good substitute for canvas sneakers when walking on mushy bottom.

"Cap'n Drew's bread and butter are his roguish Q&A's"

Dear Cap'n Drew: With the start of a new season, my husband and I were hoping that you might have some tips on how to clean the porta-potty without getting filthy.

Grossed Out in Kingston

Dear Grossed: That's an easy one. Have your kids do it.

Dear Cap'n Drew: My wife and I are looking to take up a hobby together. After much debate, we have narrowed our decision to boating and camping. We've shopped for boats and campers and they appear to be in the same price range. I'm in favor of buying a boat, but my wife is leaning towards a camper. Can you offer us any good advice to help us make up our minds?

John in Glenmont

Dear John: As you might have guessed, I would be in favor of boating. Boating is like camping -- except everybody has teeth. There also tends to be a considerable amount of added flexibility associated with boating. Anybody who has attempted to go camping after work on a Tuesday and get back by Wednesday morning can attest to this. In addition, when you're out on your boat and become tired of your guests, you can simply bring them home. If you go camping with friends, you're stuck with them for the duration.

Dear Cap'n Drew: My husband has been talking about buying an autopilot system for our boat for quite a while. I'm not so sure it's a good idea. What do you think?

Kim in New Jersey

Dear Kim: I'm with you. Most people wouldn't allow their best friend to borrow their boat, yet they permit a computer with the decision-making ability of an automatic door to pilot it. If you don't enjoy being at the helm of your own boat, then throw an anchor.

Dear Cap'n Drew: I was given a 1972 Grand Banks trawler by my uncle who could no longer afford the storage. It has not been in the water for over 10 years and needs a considerable amount of work on the hull, cabin, and engines. I plan to begin refurbishing it this winter and wanted to see if you might suggest any books that would assist me in such an endeavor.

George in New Jersey

Dear George: You might want to consider the Bible. I think you're gonna need a lot of prayers to get you through this one. You also might want to use the phone book to look up a boat broker to call when you finally get disgusted and want to buy a new one.

Top 10 Reasons to Buy a Boat:

1 Financial Consultant advised you that hemorrhaging a fortune into a depreciating asset was a sound financial strategy.

2 You want to become intimately acquainted with every single working part of an engine.

3 You find constant scraping, painting and waxing to be very therapeutic.

4 You feel a moral obligation to help support OPEC.

5 Instead of sitting on shore not catching any fish, you prefer to sit on a boat, not catching any fish.

6 You want complete strangers to call you, "Captain."

7 If you drink all day in a bar, you are a "lush." If you drink all day on a boat, you are "enjoying life to it's fullest potential."

8 Aren't some of those knots really cool?

9 You enjoy using a toilet the size of a saucepan.

10 A million skippers can't be wrong.

Famous Last Words

"What's this plug for?"

"How much could they possibly charge for a tow?"

"Don't worry, we have plenty of gas."

"The weatherman always exaggerates about these storms...

"The guy at the boat show said it hardly uses any gas at all."

"Don't worry, honey. I'll just buy it and if you don't like it, I'll sell it."

"So what, it's only an iceberg."

"That's not a periscope, it's probably only a log."

"Whatd'ya mean the cook always goes down with the ship?"

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