Twinkle, twinkle, megastar, how we wonder ...

Ten o'clock, the cinema crowd pours out and we head for the hottest spot in town...if Eric Hall can't get me into a bash like this then who can?

After all, Eric is the monster-monster cigar-chomping sports agent who handles the likes of Chelsea's cheeky England player Dennis Wise.

The premiere we've just seen at the Empire in London's Leicester Square is Jerry Maguire - Tom Cruise's enjoyable portrayal of...yes, a monster- monster sports agent who has fewer clients but more front than Hall. And I'm accompanying the great man (that's Eric, not Tom) to the party of the week at the Sports Cafe. But where were the megastars?

Okay, Woody Harrelson was everywhere and I did see Tom taking his seat when the lights went down...but where he went after the film is a mystery.

Ten-fifteen at the Sports Cafe and I'm making do with some of the Premiere (get it?) Division's most famous: Arsenal's Ian Wright and Tony Adams get on shockingly well with rivals like Spurs' Ian Walker off the field and we all agree that the best line in this excellent movie - "That isn't a dress, it's an Audrey Hepburn movie" - should become a standard chat- up line within a fortnight.

But where is The Man? My niece wants his autograph (that's my excuse). Word from the paparazzi is that he's having supper at The Ivy but will be here. At the bar I bump into Vanessa Feltz who had obviously been dressed by Danny La Rue on an off day in a frock resembling a cake complete with whipped cream.

Eleven-fifteen and Eric Hall is still insisting Cruise will be here. Another Cruise-spotter, EastEnders star Martine "Tiffany" McCutcheon, is declaring undying lust for Tom and offering her talents if he will only agree to a remake of Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.

"After all, he looks like a young Paul Newman and I've got black hair like Liz Taylor," she points out, persuasively. I promise to mention it IF we ever clap eyes on the guy.

Witching hour, and the dream dies...word is that Tom spent only 40 minutes watching the film then left for Rome nursing a sore throat and runny nose.

The bird, it seems, has flu...

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