Software for the laity - Forum - column

SOFTWARE FOR THE LAITY

In 1958 I wrote my first computer program, then trashed it and rewrote it--two more times. I really did not know what I was doing; I was taught only the mechanics of how to write software. Later on, I learned the concepts and, as a result, was able to write much better software.

I learned well because it was my job, but today there are a lot of lay people who still do not understand software. A few years ago my neighbor, a famous State Department news correspondent with NBC, leaned over the side fence and asked me if computer programs were anything like TV programs. I felt like saying, "Yeah, there are some good ones and some bad ones."

At a recent interview, Peter Lynch, who heads the largest mutual fund in the world, admitted he does not understand software and that is why he invests in pantyhose.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is about time you all understood software because its effects are pervasive in our lives. It took me 30 years in the business to understand software and I feel eminently qualified to explain it. But I feel computer people need ways to explain software that lay people can understand. So take what you will and pass it on:

* Software is like the engine of a car. It is not pleasant to look at, which is why it is not visible. And without it the rest of the resource is rendered useless.

* Software is like the "O" rings of the Challenger Shuttle. It takes only one bad part out of millions of good ones to create a disaster.

* Software is like fine art. Each one is as different as the creator, even though the objective is the same.

* Software is like starting a new business. The ideas are not worth a damn unless you can make them work.

* Software is like putting up a real tall building. You had better know where you are going to top-off before you pour the foundation.

* Software is like a custom-built home. You built it. You maintain it.

* Software is like a condominium. You just use it. Someone else maintains it.

* Software is like a manicured lawn and landscaping. The bigger it is the tougher it is to maintain.

* Software is like religion. It does not just work one hour a week. It is supposed to work all the time.

* Software is like getting married. It takes a long time to make a ral commitment to get on withit.

* Software is like a garden. It takes some effort to prepare; it has to be developed and cared for with watering, feeding and maintenance. And then at harvest time you better hope that everyone in the family really likes zucchini because it is too late to go back and plant strawberries.

* Software is like a malfunctioning automobile. It never malfunctions when the repairman is looking.

* Software is like a leaky roof. The problem is not where the drip is.

* Software is like a new appliance. Quality control begins in your home.

* Software is like a credit check at the cashier. The nuisance is caused by less than 1% of the cardholders, but the system is designed to catch the exceptions.

* Software is like plumbers. Once the job is done, try to get them back to fix something.

* Software is like restoring an old house. You never really finish.

* Software is like smoking. The other guy did the same thing I did and it did not kill him.

* Software is like a bad salad. Something is wrong but you cannot tell if it is the seasoning, dressing or a bad piece of lettuce.

* Software is like ordering from a catalog. When you get the merchandise, it is never quite like you expected.

* Software is like the David Letterman show. It is always too late.

* Software is like the tax code. It is complex, open to interpretations, and as soon as you understand it someone decides to change it.

* Software is like the federal government. You know it is designed to help you, but what a mess it is trying to make it work.

* Software is like a divorce. It costs a lot of money but all you have to show for it is some heartache and a document.

* Software is like bureaucracies. They are built by people who love to talk in "acronymese."

* Software is like George Bush. His lips say one thing, but you are not too sure that is the way it really will be.

* Software is like a handsome man or beautiful woman. The outside looks great, but how do you know what is on their minds?

* Software is like building a house. Your general contractor always seems to be some place else--even when he is standing right in front of you.

* Software is like eating at Antoine's. The most important talent is in the kitchen, yet younever see it.

* Software is like life. It ain't perfect, but if I try real hard I might make it better. Besides, it is better than the other alternative.

COPYRIGHT 1989 Wiesner Publications, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group