Welcome, elephant watchers

A day-by-day account of the thrills, chills, and fire drills of your typical gathering of editorialists, as illuminated by a former convention coordinator

Monday, the chair grows weak

Convention chair visits headquarters hotel to take care of last-minute details, discovers that workers have bulldozed the hotel's lobby for what a crudely hand-lettered sign calls "renovations and stuff."

Alarmed by resemblance of hotel lobby to Sarajevo Hilton, chair seeks out member of hotel sales staff with whom he has worked on convention plans for past three years. "Stanley has left our staff to seek new opportunities in the field of direct phone sales," receptionist cheerfully tells convention chair as she introduces new sales representative, who is a recent transfer from hotel chain's Bogota office.

Convention chair grows weak, has to lie down for a while before returning to his office. At office, finds 73 voice-mail messages, including several from board members with suggestions for last-minute additions to program. Chair contacts newspaper's Employee Assistance Program before beginning to return phone calls.

Tuesday, the convention vanishes

Hotel sales rep calls to inquire if substituting linguine in beef liver sauce for chicken in closing banquet menu is acceptable. Governor's office calls to inquire who will be introducing governor for welcoming remarks to convention.

NCEW staff and four board members, arriving early for Wednesday board meeting, call from hotel in great agitation to say they have been told hotel has no record that convention is being held there. Following spirited conversation with sales rep (made more difficult by sound of jackhammers in background) arrangements are made. Sales rep assures convention chair that "All fine now." Greatly relieved, chair calls physician for new Prozac prescription.

Wednesday, the conventions converge

At board meeting, board members express consternation over condition of hotel in general and their rooms in particular. Situation not greatly improved by arrival of sales rep wearing hard hat.

NCEW staff opens registration table, is puzzled by slow pace of registrations. Puzzlement turns to wrathful enlightenment with discovery that various hotel listings refer to convention of Natural Catholic Education Workers and meeting of National Convenience Employment Workshop. Vigorous conversation with management results in revision of listings.

Opening reception finds convention attendees in surly humor; situation promptly remedied by presence of open bar courtesy of host newspaper. High point of evening is arrival of 75 members of National Coalition of Elephant Watchers. Reception concludes with numerous editorialists jovially taking to streets in search of elephants to observe. Convention host, thus lured into false sense of security, settles in for a night of fitful sleep in which he dreams of being forced to run a gauntlet of editorialists, who pummel him with wingtips and black spectator pumps.

Thursday, critiques break loose

Opening session begins at 9 a.m. with welcoming speech from governor, who delights the attentive crowd of 25 with a blistering personal attack on the convention chair, whom he characterizes as "a scum-sucking slime slurper" who "feasts on the untainted blood of honest politicians' integrity."

President adjourns session for critique sessions. A period of intense confusion ensues, in which members attempt to find assigned rooms, some of which appear to be in another hotel.

Critique groups go better than usual, with only seven of them ending in fisticuffs and only three producing injuries requiring emergency medical attention. Police arrest all members of one group, leading to small disturbance in local jail as miscreants get into fight over question of precise date Medicare likely to go broke.

Most members' bruised feelings assuaged at cash bar before dinner, which consists of chicken served with mystery seafood sauce. After dinner, panel of prominent editorial cartoonists entertain with endless examples of their wit, most of it aimed at Cal Thomas, who has had good sense to skip entire affair. Several other members duck out after dinner for opening round of annual Thomas Winship Invitational Tennis Tournament (TWITT), named in honor of distinguished Boston Globe editor whose after-dinner speech was inspiration for first such tournament. Day ends uneventfully with drinks into the wee hours.

Friday, the bar is open

New members' breakfast goes off smoothly, as 37 first-time attendees show up and are greeted by NCEW staff, candidates for board and secretary, the president, and three bleary-eyed veteran members, at least one of whom was asleep on the floor of the meeting room when crews began setting up tables for the meal. New members get warm welcome and are treated to lengthy description of NCEW's rich history and traditions. Three supposed new members leave abruptly but with polite praise for quality of breakfast offerings when it becomes clear they are not among fellow Catholic Education Workers.

After breakfast, buses leave for spouse tour of regional cultural sites (including noted stockcar racing track and world's largest free-standing used tire dealership) and shopping opportunities.

Many members, deserted by their spouses for the day, repair to hotel bar for spirited day-long discussion of results of latest G7 meeting. Others remember their duty and actually attend morning session, a panel discussion of the societal dilemmas posed by changing family structures. Vigorous discussion ensues - at least among panelists. At break in morning session, second round of Thomas Winship Invitational begins on hotel tennis courts and continues through day.

At mid-morning, secretary of state calls to cancel scheduled luncheon address, citing late developments "in the Falklands or somewhere like that, I think." Convention host, faced with unexpected crisis, orders open bar and invites governor to address convention for second time. Governor, conveniently nearby for morning appearance before federal grand jury, gladly accepts. In his speech, he attacks the American press as "maggot-- ridden scabs on the body politic." After speech, editorial page editor of Newark Star-Ledger offers governor a job as editorial writer specializing in New Jersey politics, which he accepts on spot.

Afternoon session centers around enthralling discussion of decline of civility in American public life. Panel members keep their remarks at a tastefully low volume out of respect for numerous members who appear to have lapsed into persistent vegetative states. Former governor, having made only known sameday transition from convention speaker to convention delegate, takes floor to denounce whole notion of civility as "cretinous drivel, intellectual hog slop unworthy of consideration outside the confines of a sheltered workshop."

After break for refreshment and change of clothes, convention attendees board buses for evening dinner and program at "Scoundrel's Refuge," 19th-century home of one of the state's most illustrious political figures. After cash bar and sumptuous dinner, group is enraptured by colorful speech on state's rich heritage by Baptist minister who doubles as self-appointed state historian. Most members make beeline for other rooms in mansion. Many eventually gather in mansion's billiards room, which features mounted head of elephant presumably bagged by the illustrious statesman himself. Members, ever vigilant for new career opportunities, watch elephant intently.

Return to hotel uneventful, except for rowdy singing accompanied by Masthead editor's virtuoso piano. All hands deeply moved by late-hour performance of "March of the Dweebs." Convention chair, foolishly believing that things are well in hand, goes home and sleeps the sleep of the righteously opinionated.

Saturday, the convention is alarmed

Convention chair arrives to find entire convention in state of great agitation due to 2:30 a.m. fire alarm and subsequent inspection of all rooms by local fire marshal. Members outraged at having been roused from bed for no apparent reason and at differing accounts of incident given by fire chief and hotel management. Members also highly entertained by early-morning sight of their colleagues in bathrobes and wingtips/ spectator pumps. Chair convenes heated meeting of mortified hotel management, fire chief, and city's mayor, at which he paints dire picture of public relations disaster looming over city's convention business. Mayor grows extremely nervous; fire chief scratches himself in silence; hotel management coughs up generous rebate. Convention chair makes mental note to seek employment in low-stress job such as postal clerk.

Meanwhile, convention proceeds with annual business meeting. Members unanimously select East Athol, S.D., as future convention site, largely because of assurances that hotels there are not equipped with fire alarms. In other business, members debate proposal to merge with National Coalition of Elephant Watchers. Vote on measure eventually is delayed and task force appointed to study matter over the coming year.

Shortly before noon, local representative to Congress calls convention chair to cancel scheduled luncheon address to convention. Unruffled, chair again orders open bar and seeks out former governor, who agrees to lead impromptu panel on theme, "Death to the infidels: A new future for the First Amendment." Final rounds of Winship Invitational begin.

Afternoon is occupied with concurrent sessions on topics including "Wordless editorials: Where we're heading," "Youth: Threat or menace?" "Hot lead and cattle prods: Solutions for spouses of editorial writers for whom divorce is just not enough," and "Financial estate planning for editorialists," which proves immensely popular because it lasts only three minutes and is followed by vigorous discussion in hotel bar.

Pre-dinner reception with open bar and hot appetizers proves successful up to point where former governor and convention chair begin food fight with hot chicken wings and celery sticks dipped in nacho cheese sauce. After order is restored, members proceed to yet another sumptuous repast.

During dinner, convention host announces terms of rebate agreement to members, who respond by rushing out to call their financial estate planners. Keynote speech on important topic by attorney general of the United States gets drowned out by beginning of Heavy Metal Polka Festival in adjoining banquet hall.

President makes brief speech thanking convention chair for splendid effort and as expression of gratitude presents him with complimentary two-week stay at Betty Ford Clinic. President then entertains motion to adjourn. Motion made, seconded, and accepted despite unexpected arrival of Elephant Watchers with elephant.

Convention chair hooks himself up to beer I.V. Members declare this best convention ever and toddle off for late-hours seminar on the arcane arts of filing expense accounts and writing memos to publishers about the value of attending professional conventions.

David Holwerk was managing editor of the Lexington Herald-Leader in Kentucky when he wrote this for the Fall 1996 issue. He says his stint as host of the 1992 convention led directly to his move from editorial page editor into newsroom management. He now is editor of the Duluth News-Tribune.

Copyright MASTHEAD National Conference of Editorial Writers Fall 1998
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