Frantic families

Busyness can cause disconnection

It's 3:30 p.m. on a weekday. Children hop off the bus and rush through homework. Then it's off to piano lessons or soccer practice. After inching through the fast food drive-through, mom or dad takes one child to martial arts practice, another to scouts. Math problems are finished in the car, and bedtime comes even later than the previous night.

Although these activities and hundreds of others are great, something is missing. Where is family time? Where is downtime?

Whew-at least the weekend is coming. Then families can catch up on rest and time with each other. Not so fast-that's when athletic tournaments, artistic competitions, community volunteering and church activities really kick in.

Society now accepts childhood busyness as normal, even ideal. Time-consuming commitments are demanded at ever earlier ages. In the past 20 years, structured sports time for children doubled, says a 1999 survey from the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research, Ann Arbor.

Despite the expense, parents try to provide as many excellent activities as possible. If all these activities are so good for children, why are conversations among parents filled with complaints about crazy schedules? Many families say they suffer from family disconnection.

Relational time sacrificed

In providing so many extracurricular opportunities for children's achievement, families often sacrifice precious relational time.

The Michigan study also showed a startling decrease in household conversations from 1981 to 1997. No wonder--considering the frequency of family dinners is down 33 percent among those who say they have them regularly, and the number of families taking vacations is down 28 percent (from Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert Putnam; Simon and Schuster, 2000).

No matter how good they are, structured children's activities can't replace time together.

Apparently this remains true in adolescence. We may think teenagers are disinterested in family togetherness, but 21 percent of youth polled for a YMCA Parent and Teen Survey last year rated "not having enough time together with parents" as a top concern.

Steps to help refocus

Although no formula can determine which activities are right for each child in each household, these suggestions might help families step off the fast track long enough to evaluate current and future choices:

1. Name and prioritize family values. Together, discuss how to strengthen family relationships, develop positive character traits, stay healthy, nurture friendships, care for those less fortunate and worship together.

2. Set family guidelines. Suggestions include a family dinner three nights a week, one sport per youth per season, each child trying a musical instrument, a periodic family night or one unscheduled day a week. Weigh individual choices against prioritized values.

3. Allow time for play and relaxation, supporting being as much as doing. Balance individual vs. group activities, such as both reading a book and outdoor games with neighborhood friends, a family game or picnic.

4. Pay close attention to each child, listening and noticing likes/dislikes, abilities/challenges, sources of pleasure/stress.

5. Limit new activities. Consider what taking on something new will cost in time and tension, as well as money.

6. Seek variety and balance. View childhood as a time to try different things (not all at once!) before specializing. Or help maturing youth specialize by focusing efforts, conserving time and improving skills.

7. Know when to quit an activity. Stay alert to your child's shifting interests, family needs, changing circumstances.

8. Relax and take a long view of a child's future. Remember that strong parent-child bonds are far more important than specific accomplishments.

Resources

Available from Augsburg Fortress, Publishers (800-328-4648; www. augsburgfortress.org:

* Escaping the Family Time Trap: A Practical Guide for Over-busy Families by Barbara DeGrote-Sorensen and David Allen Sorensen (Augsburg Books, 2001).

Order from www.amazon.com:

* Take Back Your Kids: Confident Parenting in Turbulent Times by William J. Doherty (Sorin Books, 2000).

* Hyper-parenting: Are You Hurting Your Child by Trying Too Hard? by Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise (St. Martin's Press, 2000).

Zurheide, a free-lance writer from Edmond, Okla., is co-author of In Their Own Way: Accepting Your Children For Who They Are (Augsburg Books, 2000)

Copyright Evangelical Lutheran Church in America Jul 2001
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