Girl's 'accidents' may be tied to grandma's death

Question: My 4-year-old daughter has recently taken to having "accidents" daily. She has been potty-trained for nearly two years and had not had an accident (other than a rare bed-wetting) until a couple of weeks ago.

She offers no explanation and tries to hide it from me. Around the third time, I got irate and threatened a spanking the next time it happened. (She's never been spanked, but I have occasionally threatened it as a last resort.) I later became concerned about what is causing this regression.

The only trauma she has faced was when my mother died nearly a year ago. She and my daughter had been extremely close, and she still speaks about her grandmother daily.

Is it possible that I am overlooking something else? Could it be all the talk about kindergarten next year? --C.Q., Houston

Answer: First, has a doctor checked her urine? There are several medical reasons (urinary tract infections or diabetes, for example) for little girls who've been dry to begin to wet; those should be considered before looking for other causes.

Regressions -- bed-wetting, temper tantrums, trouble sleeping, for example -- are frequent in childhood, and often precede a spurt in development, though one like this can also result from a traumatic experience.

You sound aware of the psychological reasons your child may have regressed, and of the strengths and past successes she can build on to pull herself out of this. We're surely glad you haven't resorted to spanking her; that would likely turn the wetting problem into a lasting one.

A child this age certainly may still be grieving a grandparent's death. "Anniversary reactions," heightened grieving at times that stir up memories of a lost loved one, take many of us by surprise.

But for a child it can be safer to grieve in earnest a year later, rather than at the time of the death, when parents may have been so devastated that the child focused her emotions on protecting them.

You can help her grieve by telling stories together about the times with her grandmother, and by talking about your sadness with her, and about the ways you handle it.

Still, it would be worth listening for any evidence she might give you about other upsetting events. (Bed-wetting may be a sign of sexual abuse, but usually there are other sudden changes too -- distress at getting undressed, using the toilet or taking a bath, sexualized behaviors, among others.) We hope you'll make times with her when you can drop a comment and, then, listen to her.

Question: I've noticed a behavior in babies that I call "the baby fraternity." When my son sees other babies, he smiles at them and is completely engaged, ignoring adults and other distractions. It seems many babies do that from an early age. It makes me feel superfluous, in a sense, but babies just seem to want to share a secret smile with other babies. Why do you think they do this? -- K.M., Boca Raton, Fla.

Answer: What a delightful observation and a fascinating term for the interest even very young children show in each other! But there's nothing secret about their bids for each other's attention.

Other babies' behavior may seem easier and safer to relate to and to imitate. They have the same capacities, rhythms, clumsy and effective movements.

A researcher in Nova Scotia observed 2-year-olds playing one-on- one with 15-month-olds. They were so eager to play with each other and to match their play.

At both ages, they were ready to carefully watch and imitate, so eager to reach for each other. Your observation of these stares and smiles between your baby and others is more evidence of this hunger to engage, of how early babies show us their social nature.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 609 Greenwich St., 6th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10014-3610. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health- care provider. Distributed by New York Times Special Features

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