CANNES: Been there/ done that.

Miles Fielder goes to Cannes to practise French and safe sex l How did you get there?

By charter from Edinburgh via Brussels to Nice. Then a bus from the airport, which dropped me off at Cannes' Old Harbour. The autoroute is fastest (40 minutes), but the coastal route, passing by Graham Greene's beloved Antibes, is more scenic.

l Where did you stay?

An apartment building five minutes walk, via the red light district, from La Croisette (the bustling promenade, running the length of Cannes' beach). Very pleasant balcony at the front overlooking the bay. Not so pleasant out back was the Russian church with its energetic early morning bell ringers.

l What one thing should you take with you?

Two things, actually, and they're glaringly obvious choices, but then so is the sun: shades and tan protection cream.

l What was the best thing you ate? Any of the fish or seafood dishes. Unsurprisingly, Cannes has an abundance of restaurants catering for the marine palate. The general standard is high, but dishes are best eaten on the beach, if you can afford one of the restaurants which monopolise the seafront.

l What did you buy that you wish you hadn't?

A vodka and tonic at the Carlton Intercontinental Hotel, a grand structure which dominates La Croisette. For a mere #8 I got to sit on the hotel terrace and be gawked at by passing tourists. Still, it allowed me to indulge a fantasy wherein I am one of F Scott Fitzgerald's sophisticated ex-pats from Tender Is The Night.

l What didn't you buy that you wish you had?

A painting or ornamental sculpture from a friendly local artist who offered me wine and cigarettes as I wandered around his exhibition in a tiny gallery on the hill above the Old Harbour.

l What were the people like?

Glamorous. In Cannes, particularly during the Film Festival, everyone wants to look like a film star. Or they are film stars, or directors, or producers cutting deals. I once overheard the tail end of this mobile phone conversation: 'So, I flipped a dime with Larry in LA for 50,000 bucks'. The reality is lots of tourists - old ones with crispy wrinkled sun-tanned skin, nubile young ones on roller blades, plus women with babies begging in the streets.

l What was the oddest thing you saw?

A power boat arrive direct from a cruise ship with PRIVATE painted on the side in big, red letters and off-load onto the beach a gaggle of shapely - with the emphasis on busty - women. They were in town for the porn film festival known affectionately as the Hot d'Or. For a moment, the entire population of the beach was united in a head- turning movement.

l What was the best thing you did?

Took a catamaran out to the nearby island of St Margaret with my girlfriend, found a secluded beach, made love in the sun, then jumped into the sea. On the way back a German tourist photographed us together on the boat's prow, exclaiming: 'Just like Titanic!'

l One thing you learned about the history?

Cannes has been thoroughly modernised by tourism. The Old Harbour is the last bastion of history. Climb the steps to the fort atop the harbour's hill, explore the winding alleys and byways, stop off in a back street cafe for a beer and a bowl of olives and play backgammon with the city's elderly gents.

l What was the most useful phrase you learned?

Quartoise bieres wasn't clever, but then my French is embarrassingly non-existent. The waiter helpfully pointed out that me and my three companions probably wanted quarte bieres, no?

l What was the weather like?

Hot, sunny and dry, of course. Other than the Film Festival, the weather is the reason tourists overrun Cannes. You might get a few showers in May, but then it merely feels tropical.

Factfile:

Where is it?

In France, on n the Cote d'Azur, between Monaco and Nice.

History Cannes' history begins with its two islands, St Margaret and St Honorat, known as The Lerins. St Honorat was the site of a monastery and a shrine for pilgrims. During the 10th century, the Count of Antibes gave the Cannes mainland to the monks of St Honorat, who built ramparts to defend it against Moorish pirates. In 1788, the monastery closed and Cannes came under French rule.

Don't miss Catching a glimpse of the stars ascending the red- carpeted steps of the Palais du Film Festival - these crowd-pleasing moments epitomise the glamour of Cannes, although when all the scunners have gone it is, of course, a much nicer, saner, calmer place.

Copyright 1999
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