Teach child how to handle tantrums

A little girl from Florida made headlines around the world after three policemen escorted her from her kindergarten classroom in handcuffs, reportedly because of a temper tantrum. We don't know why this 5-year-old had her tantrum, or why teachers and police responded as they did. But we know a great deal about what children are trying to tell us with tantrums, and how to help them.

Tantrums are expectable episodes in the lives of small children. They serve a purpose for children who are too young to tell us what's going on. They occur when a child is angry, frustrated, tired, overloaded or frightened.

For a 2-year-old, tantrums are a way to solve inner turmoil. He may lie on the floor, screaming and kicking whenever he is crossed. He wants to make his own decisions -- but he can't. Tantrums express his passionate desire to decide between "yes" and "no." He seems to be asking, "Will I do what they say or won't I? I want to but I don't."

At this age a child is torn between his wish to please adults by conforming to their wishes and his desire to assert his own will, just as he begins to discover it. How confusing! And what a challenge. Of course tantrums at this age are normal.

Tantrums are likely to erupt from time to time well into the fourth year. By then a child is saying: "When I get crossed or stressed, I regress and fall apart. Help me!"

At 5, tantrums become an even more urgent cry for help. A 5-year- old knows by now that there ought to be people who can help him, so his cries become more demanding and upset those around him even more.

Rarely, tantrums at this age can be a sign of more trouble than parents or teachers can effectively respond to without help from specialists who may not be available in some communities. The use of excessive force may result.

Many of us as parents may have wished, at one time or another, for a simple, safe way of stopping our children during a tantrum, especially when they occur in embarrassing and inconvenient locations. Backing off is the clearest way to show a child he'll need a better way to express his feelings. Before you walk away, reassure him that he can calm himself down, and that when he does, you'll be back.

If you can't leave him, gather him in your arms. If your hold is unwavering, it may help him settle down. If it doesn't, carry him to a safe place and put him down so that you can give him the space and time he needs.

Don't let him engage you. Say nothing, or, in a neutral voice, "We'll talk when you're ready." This way he knows you're not punishing him with your distance, and that he can learn to handle his loss of control on his own.

After the tantrum is over and the child is calm, talk about what happened. Talk about better ways of handling strong feelings. Help your child identify the things that help him calm himself so that he can turn to them next time. Commend him on his efforts to do so. (For details, see our new book "Mastering Anger and Aggression -- The Brazelton Way," Da Capo Press, 2005.)

What are our goals as we help children learn to handle tantrums? To keep them safe, and to teach them self-control. Children scare themselves with their overwhelming feelings, their loss of control. They humiliate themselves with their limited ways of getting their needs met and of putting up with frustration when they can't have what they want. They are ashamed that they've let important adults down.

Protection from such feelings becomes the child's motivation to care about self-control. Later, self-control will be the child's best protection from hurting others.

When we use excessive force to control a child, are we really keeping that child safe? Are we teaching him to control himself when we take over and do it all for him? What messages are we giving him about our hopes for him, his hopes for himself?

When a young child loses control, he needs our help to believe that he can learn to control himself. He needs our help to keep him from labeling himself as "bad."

But excessive force can send a different message: that his world is too out of control to bring self-control within his reach. More anger, fear, even hate may result, and a child who can't control those feelings may channel them into more tantrums and sometimes a thirst for revenge. When we teach a child to hate, have we made his world a safer place?

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 609 Greenwich St., 6th Floor, New York, NY 10014-3610. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider. Distributed by The New York Times Special Features

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