And John Prescott takes a look at the other Tory cons ...

Something Old, Something Borrowed, Something Blue - but nothing new.

Tory delegates applaud John Major for taking his jacket off. What next? If the Tories get five more years, they'll be taking the shirts off our backs!

Of course, the Tories are desperate to hide their divisions. Major's big claim was not the unity of the nation but the unity of his party. And that story belongs in the fiction section of Bournemouth Library. At fringe meetings, Euro-rebels like Norman Lamont and Norman Tebbit were cheered to the rafters.

Back in the hall, Tory ministers like Heseltine and Clarke had their sights trained beyond the general election on the bloody battle to replace John Major.

But did the Tories have anything new to offer British voters? No!

Something old: The same old lies from the Tories who brought you record tax increases, the poll tax, and VAT on fuel. The ones who doubled crime, doubled homelessness and doubled unemployment.

Something borrowed: Labour ideas such as getting computer links into schools, clamping down on stalkers and paedophiles, and a millennium force of young volunteers.

And something blue: Chairman Brian Mawhinney feeling depressed. The man he paraded as a "defector" was never a Labour Party member.

We will be working hard to win a victory for the British people. Join us by phoning: 0990 300900.

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