Too much pressure on child may explain her nightmares

Question: Our 2 1/2-year-old granddaughter uses complete adult sentences and words. She asks direct questions expecting direct answers.

Her teacher uses her to demonstrate to other children -- her age and older -- how to use tools effectively and follow directions. She is a beautiful child who is amazingly polite and empathetic toward others. She chooses to act as a mediator between children her own age.

The problem: This child wakes up crying at least once every night- - sometimes three times. She is soothed and cajoled back to sleep by either her mom or dad.

She appears to work out control and independence issues in her dreams. We have heard her (in her sleep) aggressively competing for an object or demanding that her way be followed. The conflict results in her crying, and it appears that her own crying wakes her up.

The household is sleep-deprived. Do you have recommendations which may help this little doll get a decent night's sleep? -- P.C., Hobe Sound, Fla.

Answer: It sounds as if your granddaughter may be under too much pressure from all these people who expect her to be a "perfect little lady." She may be paying the price at night through her dreaming.

Another possibility is that her nightmares could be "night terrors," but a child with a night terror is not truly awake and usually goes back to sleep on her own. (To learn more about night terrors, see our book, "Sleep: The Brazelton Way" (Perseus, 2003).

What you describe sounds more like nightmares, and these may be the result of pushing herself to be the perfect child.

The best thing those around her can do is to let up the pressure on her and help her learn to let up on herself. Be sure to commend her when she can express her aggressive or negative feelings as well as when she makes a mistake or doesn't know the answer. Say something such as: "What a relief! It shows you're not perfect, and that's OK. Nobody can expect that of themselves."

Question: I have a 5-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son. My husband and I have been divorced for a year, and he sees the kids on the weekends.

Recently, I became engaged to a man I met shortly after my husband and I separated. My children know him and like him, but I'm concerned about the best way to tell them about the engagement. I want them to continue to have a strong relationship with their father while continuing to form a bond with my fiance.

Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. -- Name and address withheld

Answer: Good for you for wanting to support your children's relationship with their father. Your fiance will never be their father, and he needs to form a different kind of relationship with them. He will need to go slow and to understand that your children will naturally want to get you and your ex-husband back together. In addition to some initial resistance, he should expect them to test him to find out what his role in the family will be.

When you announce your engagement to your children, let them know that you don't expect them to feel the same way about it that you do. Tell them your news simply and clearly, at a time of relative calm -- perhaps on a Sunday after breakfast -- so that they'll have a chance to share their reactions with you. Give them more opportunities to talk about their feelings after they've had some time to digest the news.

Be prepared for a jumble of emotions, and expect their feelings to evolve over time. They will need your permission to openly express their concerns ("Will he stick around?" "Will he try to act like our father?" "How will Dad feel?") and their negative feelings ("You mean there really is no way we can ever get you and Dad back together?").

Your children will need to know that you are strong enough to stick by your decision regardless of their reactions. That way, they won't feel they have to protect you from them.

You and your ex-husband may want to read Mary Ellen Hannibal's book "Good Parenting Through Your Divorce," (Marlowe, 2002). The book is based on the program developed by Kids' Turn www.kidsturn.org, a San Francisco-based organization devoted to helping parents and children through divorce.

The more that all of you can work together, the more you will be able to protect and comfort your children as they adjust to their new family life.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.

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