Don't protect children from realities of war

"Daddy, what will happen to us in this war?" a 9-year-old girl in Boston asked recently.

"Don't worry," her father reassured her. "The war is far away. We are safe."

"But Daddy," she persisted, "my friend's mom is going to fight."

Stunned, her father said nothing.

"And what about the children there?" she asked. "What will happen to them?"

With our nation now at war with Iraq, many parents are dealing with difficult questions from their children.

Children watch and listen and try to understand the newspaper headlines and the television and radio reports. They worry as they hear concerned parents debating the pros and cons of military action, recalling the horrors and hopelessness of previous wars.

While we may be able to shield children from the media bombardment, we can't protect them from the reality of war. Should we even try?

Like the father of the girl in Boston, many parents may be tempted to try to soothe children's fears by saying that the war is in Iraq and we are safe here. Though well-intentioned, there are problems with this approach.

One is that we may not be safe. Another is that when it comes to war, a parent's reassuring words will not suffice. If we try to hide the cost of war from children, we will fail.

Whether we agree with war in Iraq or not, we don't want our children to grow up thinking of war as a solution with unpleasant side effects that can be easily soothed away by a parent's comforting words. As the war's toll becomes impossible to smooth over, such words may seem untrue -- and a generation of children's trust may be lost.

We would all like to protect our children from the horrors of the adult world, but we don't want to teach them to think only of themselves. Instead of saying "Don't worry. We're OK," parents can say: "This is a problem the whole world must address. Would you like to work on it with me? We can only do our small part, but it is an important part and it will make us feel better."

Some families may want to help the children of American soldiers who have been mobilized. Others may focus on the children in the war zone.

We can't hide from our children that our world has changed. We can only help them face it with the feelings that make us human. We must shield our children -- not from knowing about the war but from becoming indifferent as a way to protect themselves against fear.

Parents can still offer comfort to their children by supporting their wish to help others who suffer, by refusing to allow hatred to undermine their own humanity and by staying close together as a family -- when this is possible.

Here are some suggestions for ways to help children cope:

This is a time for children to begin to learn what it means to be a good citizen. If we are to protect our children's future -- and the future of our great country -- we must help them honor their own need to care instead of covering it over with indifference or hatred.

Try to find opportunities for you and your children to help. Perhaps you can write letters to children whose parents have had to leave for war or take part in fund-raisers for food and medicine for wounded children.

Focus on the helpers. Talk with your children about the people and organizations working to bring food, shelter, medicine and peace to those affected by war.

Look together at maps, history books and newspapers. Video images can be overwhelming and should be avoided, but other kinds of information can be less frightening than the unknown.

Avoid obsessing about the war. Preserve times to escape to fun and fantasy if possible.

Plan time for the family to be together: at mealtimes, at bedtimes and by sharing family rituals.

Talk about your family's values and customs -- ethnic, cultural and religious. Share the meaning behind these.

Don't force the discussion, but if the topic of war comes up, be sure to listen to your children.

When a child asks questions about war, you don't need to have all the answers. Often listening is enough. Before you answer, ask: "What do you know already?" Then you'll be better able to respond to HER concerns. Always be truthful, in age-appropriate language, when answering. Watch your child's eyes, face and body language to know when he has heard enough.

Look for and respect your child's ways of coping and bouncing back. Some children may introduce combat themes into their play as a way of mastering their fears. Others will try to avoid their fears by acting uninterested and turning to familiar pastimes.

If your child's behavior abruptly changes or you are concerned that he is overwhelmed by his fears, consult your pediatrician or a mental-health professional.

A child will learn so much by modeling on your feelings and reactions. You can gently talk to your children about your own fears so that they can see that you can face them and carry on.

Let your child know that adults disagree. To some, war is a mistake, to others, a tragic last resort. But no one ever thinks of war as a solution.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families@nytimes.com

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