How I conquered crack

Crack is one of the most destructive drugs, but some addicts manage to beat it. Sally, in her early forties, from south-west London, worked in the media until crack devastated her life.

Here she tells David Hurst how a remarkable project saved her ...

IN my media career, it was normal to be in the bar every night. I used amphetamines in my teens, then only alcohol until my late thirties when I started to take cocaine. Cocaine was all around.

Lots of people took it.

My partner, who was younger than me, was in the media as well. After being together for two years I fell pregnant. He didn't want the child. I didn't know whether to keep the baby or not.

In the end, I had an abortion. I was really confused about it all and everything went downhill from then on. I thought it was the right thing to do, but afterwards I wasn't prepared for how emotional having an abortion is.

I thought: "That was my last chance to have children."

Before, I'd used cocaine occasionally. Now it had become a habit. It got me through every day. My partner was using it, too, but not as much as me.

Our relationship got worse and worse. It was dreadful. We split up a year after the abortion.

Now I was using cocaine more and more to block out the memory of the abortion. It was costing me Pounds 150 a day. I would get up, have a first hit and then top myself up in the loo at work during the day. As I'd been up most of the night taking coke I'd miss deadlines. I was short-tempered and all I'd think about was scoring some more coke.

It got to the point where a colleague had to cover for me. I went to get help at that stage, at The Priory in Roehampton. But I wasn't ready to stop.

In my mind, it was still recreational. I thought I was keeping it together, but I'd have lots of sick days, and friendships were falling by the wayside.

About the time of my 40th birthday, I was offered crack by someone I knew at a party.

Once I had used it I never wanted any other drug - it's so powerful that other drugs became irrelevant. It's a huge high.

I took it a week later, then weekly at parties for a couple of months. Then I bought some through friends and eventually I got my own dealers. Initially, I used with friends, then I was quickly sucked into this nasty world with other users. We had nothing in common except that we were addicted to crack.

After I'd had a hit, I'd just sit there with the people I was smoking it with, mostly in my house.

I live in my own two-bedroom flat, which I bought in the Eighties, in a decent part of leafy south-west London where I'd grown up. My father was a director of his own company and my mother was a housewife.

I doubt my neighbours knew, and I saw family and friends at times when I thought I could keep it together. But my mum thought I had cancer because I looked so ill.

I had stopped working. All I could do was think of ways to make money: I sold my furniture and most of my possessions. The only reason I didn't get into crime or prostitute myself was because I had savings. They have all gone now. I was certainly at risk of getting arrested for possession, but being a white middleclass woman I could pay other users to get drugs for me. I'd drive them to an estate and they would do the deal in a dark alley or at a crack house while I stayed in the car. I never put myself at risk because I could afford not to.

After a year, I got on a residential treatment programme at a west London hospital.

I stayed clean for three months while I was there. I was locked in for the first two weeks, then allowed to go to Narcotics Anonymous [NA] meetings within the hospital, at which a group of recovering addicts would tell their stories. We were at various stages of the 12- step programme. The first step is admitting you're powerless over drugs, that your life has become unmanageable.

I relapsed. If you had asked me then, I'd have said it couldn't get worse than this, but it did. I didn't wash, wore the same clothes every day, spent days smoking crack, had a day to recover and so on. I ended up in casualty. I told the doctors the truth and they said: "Stop, or you'll kill yourself."

All I could think about was getting some more crack. If I could, I'd have smoked it in the oxygen tent.

My rock bottom was getting involved with the Yardies. They smashed my car up because I didn't pay them. Then I had guns pointed at me a couple of times because I owed money.

AT THIS point, I was in real trouble.

I was desperate because I knew I was going to die from this drug. I needed help to stop because I couldn't do it on my own. A friend of mine could see that and she had a friend who told her that I needed to get on the Blenheim Project.

I phoned the Blenheim and my friend took me over there. I was using crack until the minute I walked through the door. After seeing me, the Blenheim took me on. That was August 2002 and I've been clean since then.

I was put on the 12-week programme and had to go there every weekday from 10am until 4pm. We were told that addiction is a disease, and to try to live one day at a time without using. We'd have meetings of up to 12 recovering crack addicts, in which we would tell of our experiences.

My own project worker taught me to look at why I used. We had to be honest, so I talked about my abortion.

I stayed on the programme for three months, then went once a week for one-to-one sessions with my project worker. There is also a dropin centre upstairs which is open to anyone.

I'm on the 12-step programme again, now, and it's crucial to do this. I may be recovered from the predicament I was in when I could barely function, but I have not recovered from my addiction and it may take me to the bottom again.

I still crave crack occasionally - there are times when if someone gave me some, I'd use it. When I get these feelings, I get myself away from the situation, talk to someone - another recovering addict or my project worker.

Today, I've got a part-time job in the caring professions. This helps me feel good inside so I don't crave something from outside like crack to make me feel good.

'I show them that they can really change their lives

DAVID Lawrence, 43, has been a project worker at the Blenheim Project for four years. He says:

CRACK can get anyone. A hit erases bad feelings, but only for five minutes - max. After that a user wants another hit. Hit after hit after hit. It's extremely addictive. Kids as young as 14 are using it in London.

A rock costs Pounds 20, which will give one hit. It is cocaine mixed with baking soda, which is then "cooked". This makes the cocaine more addictive as the high is much stronger than cocaine by itself, but it doesn't last as long.

Cocaine is grown in South America and comes to the UK via the Caribbean or through Europe, where it is cooked. The resulting crack is very dangerous because the high is so abrupt that the brain has to alter immediately, plus there's a chance of a heart attack. Long- term use will damage the liver and kidneys and the lungs can collapse.

There's also a risk of TB from sharing pipes and living in unsanitary crack houses.

The Blenheim opened in 1995 and is the only crack programme of its kind in the UK. It has worked with nearly 1,000 users and many of these are now living a crack-free life. We have four project workers, a manager and another member who goes round prisons. We are a voluntary organisation, but get some funding from government.

I come from a youth-work background. I went to college to study counselling at the College of North-West London in 1998. Then I did voluntary work at the Blenheim, and that was my way in.

To get on the programme addicts need to be assessed by their borough's substance misuse team and be clean for two weeks. We'll help them. If they want to phone or drop in, they can.

When someone gets on the programme, they feel relief.

They've had enough. Many addicts feel sorry for what they have done, often to people who care for them. I help them realise that if they weren't using, they wouldn't have behaved like that.

We expect them to be punctual and stay clean. Unfortunately, people relapse.

We'll call to see if they want to come back in. If they are not going to, we have to give their space to someone else. There is a long waiting list.

I work with 12 users at a time and I will be project worker for up to four of those. We teach them to identify what triggers a craving - it could be anything: a conversation, a smell, having money.

I've had experiences in my life with drugs, been on the other side of the law, and come through. It's important to show the users that if you want to change your life, you can. On a one-to-one, I look at why my client uses, what are the areas in their life they're unhappy with. If they want to stop, they will.

I tell them: "You weren't born a crack addict and you don't have to die a crack addict." I look at the positive things about them, but ask what they would like to change. The hardest thing for users is change.

Crack affects the body, too, so we go to the gym or swimming. We provide meals every day - a lot haven't eaten well for a long time.

We try to reintroduce them to normal life.

There's a spiritual side, too. We'll get the group to hold hands to say the serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." As they recover we'll encourage them to go on a course or take a job. Many will complete the 12 weeks and tell me they are scared to go into the real world again. We encourage them to drop in and we phone to see how they are. An addict is always recovering and never recovered.

Even if we have only two people out of the group who live a drug- free life, that's an achievement. No amount of money could replace that feeling when you see someone recovering and compare them with how they were when they first came to us.

It's a brilliant job for giving back. The salary of a project worker isn't great, but the feeling inside is priceless.

The Blenheim Project, 321 Portobello Road, London W10 5SY. Opening times: Monday-Friday, 1pm-4pm; Tuesday evening, 6pm-9pm. Tel: 020 8960 5599, email info@theblenheimproject.org.

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